Drunk driving, taking all of your sisters’ laundry soap, beer, and gas, hitting on all of her friends, and not doing squat for her, after she gives you money, helps you find a job, loans you her car, etc-that’s all malicious in my book.
If that’s “family”, you can have it.
In a recent great quotes thread, somobody posted this little gem, which seems to sum up your brother:
“Well, normally, I’d comment with Hanlon’s Razor, which runs, Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity. However, in this case, I think the corollary applies: Any sufficiently advanced stupidity is indistinguishable from malice.”
I feel sorry for the husband, who had to resort to begging.
Cut him off completely. He will not change (but I bet he likes to say he will). He will never own up to anything. Cut off all contact. Since you now know he associates with known criminals, you have no way of knowing how really bad they are (or him for that matter, since he chooses to associate with them). Change the locks, change the phone number, tell him to keep ALL his problems to himself. If he does go to jail, he put himself there. You tried to help him and he shit all over you. Enough is enough.
Always be careful of what you wish for.
You’ve been more than generous and understanding with this putz for far too long.
“Family” is no reason to associate with people who treat you like this. Family gets a bit more leeway than the average Joe, but beyond that, fuck 'em. You’ve given this clown plenty of leeway, and it’s time to bid him adieu.
…the backcountry, that is…stunted trees…marsupials.
I am a psychologist, although not your psychologist. Anyhoodle, for the label of Antisocial Personality Disorder (or sociopath) to fit, three or more of the following traits should apply to your brother:
I’m counting four. You?
ASP’s don’t change. Cut him loose, and change your locks.
I’m going to take a slightly different tack: keep him at arm’s length and don’t let him mooch off you, but be there for him when he does finally hit rock bottom. Equally, should he manage to procreate, make sure you maintain contact with the children.
Weeeeell, in his defense, he’s obviously pissing you off. That’s what little brothers do. It’s in our standard contract, somewhere.
Heck, I got three or four of those myself.
Uh… you jerk!
According to Dear Abby, people who don’t understand about someone cutting terrible family members out of their lives are judging based on their own experience. To the people in this thread who don’t get it, good for you - I’m glad you don’t have any family members that have made you cut them out of your life to protect yourself. To the OP, I fully support you never having anything to do with this waste of skin again. Having a relationship with a family member shouldn’t be nothing but a bad experience (does he do anything positive with you or for you?).
One of the major tenets of the 12 step programs is that you have to hugely involved in effecting your change. If he’s not going to make a tremendous effort, he’s probably not going to change, and no amount of cajoling will start it. I wouldn’t offer to help him at least until he has a record of being very different. 12 step sponsors won’t even call you. If you don’t care enough to call, then no amount of pushing is going to have any real effect.
I don’t have any family members I had to cut out of my life, and I STILL understand. Relative != family. And family != relative.
Word… what the fuck is that all about? A few days of the behavior she described and he’d have been back on the sidewalk so fast his head would spin, and yet she made hubby tolerate this dangerously irresponsible shit for weeks.
Not likely. You have to display them to an advanced degree, e.g. randomly deciding to go on vacation once does not necessarily indicate impulsiveness.
Valete,
Vox Imperatoris
DellieM, you have my sympathy. In 1975, I wound up throwing my brother out of my parents’ house because he was high and drunk and abusive toward everyone. I told him that when he got his shit together, he had a brother waiting for him who would help, but until then, he could go fuck himself.
Two years later, I had to bury him. He showed up at my parents’ house two days before his 38th birthday, high and drunk, and attacked my father. My mother had to shoot him to protect Dad’s life.
You’re doing the right thing by getting a whole lot of gone between you and him.
Holy shit. :eek: That makes all my family drama pale in comparison. How traumatic that must have been for your whole family, especially your mom.
My sympathies.
My husband never wanted him to move to where we live, much less move in with us. He told me this two weeks after asshat was in the spare room and the conversation went something like this: “Ummmmm, DellieM I haven’t been exactly honest about how I feel about this, but you don’t have any family locally, and I thought it was the right thing to do at the time, after all, if he was my brother, I would want to help him out too.” And I said “It’s driving you crazy isn’t it?” and he replied “Fucking oath. Please do what you can to get him out of the house.” And I said “I am all over it”.
For the record he’s rung me twice since Friday, which I ignored, but I rang him on Sunday night. I gave him a spray and told him how irresponsible, disrespectful and all round stupid he was and ‘how could you do that after everything we’ve done for you’ etc. He listened silently, never arguing back. This morning he called in before I went to work and gave me $200. Good boy. When I asked him where it came from, he said that it was his ‘social club money’ (euphanism for cash needed to go clubbing or to the pub, or for alcohol). Maybe he’s not quite a write-off yet.
Thanks for the support, and thanks for the perspective - some of you have done it extremely hard. “I love yous all.”
Tell me about it. I’ve never had a toxic family member, but that’s partly because I haven’t gotten to know my FIL. After seeing the damage he left on his wife and kids, it’s obvious to me that some people just aren’t worth dealing with. My husband has been hurt enough by this man–I would never ask him to endure more for the sake of “family”.