So I went up to Colorado, to see my parents’ new house, for Thanksgiving. My parents have sold their house in New Mexico (closing on 12/3) and are moving up there. This has been the busiest semester of my life, so I haven’t had a chance to see anyone in my family since August. And when I arrive, it starts. So, if I may rant for a moment:
I just woke up and spent 11 hours in a car so that I could see my family. Yes, you’re a part of it, but JESUS! Did you have to bring the whole brood over on the first night, along with every baby supply under the sun, and stay for the ENTIRE FUCKING WEEKEND? I didn’t drive 11 hours so that I could be handed a baby first thing and be expected to ooh and ahh over every vacant observation you make.
Speaking of which, do you EVER have a thought that doesn’t come dribbling out of your fucking mouth? News flash: we do NOT need a running commentary on your life. And you even keep talking when no one’s listening! You fucking talk to yourself when you’re alone! That’s beyond sad, beyond pathetic. But I’m too goddamn tired to argue with you about it, so I’ll just ignore you as best I can.
And you know, if you used whatever passes for your brain, you’d realize that everything you say is fucking useless in the first place. I make the mistake of telling you I’m seeing someone new, and you grill me about it all weekend. But you ask the DUMBEST fucking questions. “How old are her parents?”?!? What, you think I asked to see their fucking birth certificates or something? Rev up that one-cylinder mind and follow me: not that the ages of her parents even matter, but, she’s about my age, so (DUH!) maybe her parents are about the same age as mine! I’d ask you to mull over that brain-teaser for a while, but it would just come tumbling out of your piehole in the form of another question.
Do you know why my parents are moving to Colorado, near where you live? Yes, they want to be near the grandkids and see more of them, but there’s another reason: you are a fucking trial. They can’t take any more weekend-long visits from you, so they decided that living nearby meant they’d only have to put up with you for a few hours at a time. Ah, but that wouldn’t occur to you, obviously, since you came over Wednesday night and didn’t leave until Saturday night, just before I left. I’m completely fucking exhausted from putting up with your endless stream of shit. I should have just stayed in Texas, I would have at least had a chance to relax.
You know, my parents and my brother might have appreciated spending time with me too, but you had to monopolize all my time, be the center of fucking attention every waking moment. My brother chose to marry a bubble-headed trophy wife, and he’s got to live with it, but christ on a cream cracker, leave me alone once in a while, go occupy yourself with the petty shit you think is important and keep up appearances. I’ve had enough. Next time I go to Colorado, I’m going to lowball. If I plan to be there on the 16th, I’ll tell you I’ll be there on the 20th. Then maybe I’ll have some fucking peace.