My childrens father is dying

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

I have been through your situation exactly, from you daughter’s point of view. I was 16 when my father (age 49) died of alcoholism. Reading these posts brings back many many bad memories, and sad ones.

My concern is for your children. When my father died, he left 7 children, ages 8-19. We had been living with the problem for many many years. But, nobody really talked about it at home. No one told us that it was NOT OUR FAULT, and that his disease had NOTHING to do with our behavior, or good grades, or how we looked, etc. I can’t speak about my siblings (because we still don’t talk about it), but I walked around for YEARS thinking that if I had been a better daughter, he would WANT to get better. Nobody helped me understand that I did nothing. It wasn’t until much later, and through lots of prayer… that I realized that it was HIS disease, and I was the victim. I am 45 now, and STILL have residual issues, but can see clearly now that it wasn’t my fault.

Get your chidlren into counseling, that is my advice! Al-Anon is for family members of alcoholics. I wish that my mom had done that for us. But you can do this. You don’t talk much about how this is affecting them… please talk, ALOT with them about what is happening, and how it isn’t their fault!

22

On the plus side, his death might not affect them much since they’re estranged from him (I’ve learned that what causes so much heartache when someone dies is the hole they leave in your life - he’s not going to leave much of a hole in theirs).

On the negative side, they don’t have much of a father. Neither did I, and that still makes me a little sad.

23

The hard part is they were both fairly close to their dad until about three/four years ago. My daughter is still closer to him than my son but it has always been that way to a certain degree.

Our daughter still contacted him every couple months and they went to a movie or lunch. The last time my son spoke with him was on his birthday in September. His dad called him to wish him a happy b-day but before that it had been several months since they talked.

Their dad was never a parent. He was an every other weekend play daddy. He never taught his kids anything. He didn’t teach them to ride bikes, he never helped with homework, he didn’t talk to them about problems, teach them about friendship, wipe away tears when they had a broken heart or a fight with their friends, he was not there to teach them to drive, help them open their first bank account etc.

He never offered once because he never thought about it. I did all that stuff.

The play dad pretty much wore off when they hit teenagers and he was still calling them and talking to them as if they were seven. Then he would try and make them feel guilty for not wanting to come over on the scheduled weekends.

They wanted to be with their friends and go and do things. I understood but he did not because he did not notice they were growing up. They also did not do much over there. The days of playing games and playing with toys all day was over and they just sat around watching DVDs or playing Playstation all day. He did not even have a room for them. They just plopped on the couches. They did have a room when they were younger but over time he turned that into a comic book storage area. He always thought about himself first.

I guess that is why I have resentments towards him. He could have tried harder. He could have went out of his way more. He could have taken the time to give a little and be selfless even now and then. I think he thought paying child support meant he did not have to do any of those things. And when he stopped that it was like a slap on the face to me and his daughter. I kepts things civil and keep comminucation open for so long and I just could not do it anymore.

That is why I decided not to even speak with him anymore. I figured let child support chase him. I was tired of dealing with it after 17 years. It was not like I was not used to him being selfish. I thought I was done and now this. I feel anger and sadness at the same time.

Even if by some miracle he pulls through I just see it happening all again in another 6 to 8 months. If the last two trips to the hospital did not stop him I have no reason to think this one will. Maybe next time he will just be found dead at home. He was throwing up blood three hours before either he called or his roomate called 911. That just shows he is not in the right frame of mind.

I don’t have any updates as I was unable to speak to his sister last night. I went to bed early as I was emtionally drained remembering the past. I kept seeing him in my sleep lying in that bed and how it upset our children to see him like that.

24

it is upsetting. and the worst is he could have had it all. mostly it seems from your posts that you grieve for the lost opportunities. you see the wonderful kids you have and can’t understand why enjoying them wasn’t enough.

that is the stumbling stone of addiction. any addiction. it diminishes all in its path. it hurts most of all the people that are brushed aside in its path.

sometimes you get really lucky and seeing it all slip away is enough to have the addict change. other times you can only pick up the pieces tossed in their wake and hold them close.

even though we are only words on a computer, we are holding you and your family close. we think about y’all and hope that you will find comfort and peace in that.

25

Well I have an update and it is not good. At this point the constant blood they are giving him as well as the ventilator is the only things keeping him alive.

He is now bleeding from his esophagus and intestines on top of his stomach so basically the blood they are giving him is bleeding out as fast as they are putting it in. The blood just will not coagulate. Along with the major organ shut down there is really no hope.

Since his living will states he did not want to be kept alive by machines then they are going to stop the blood today. His sister and I agree that the blood is no different than a respirator or a feeding tube. It may be sustaining him but with no hope of recovery.

I am taking our kids to the hospital today to say good bye. Jesus that was hard to write. His children are devastated. It so unfair. I talked to my son on the phone and he understands but is very upset as well. He is very close to his grandmother so he called her and she was able to talk with him while I talked to my daughter. She can’t believe that it is happening so fast. I had to explain to her that another day or another week is not going to make any difference. He is not going to get better. I wish I could take their pain away.

I spoke to his CCU nurse and his doctor last night on her behalf so that she would understand that there really was no hope. I guess she needed to hear that to be able to let go. His sister does have medical power of attorney so she could do it without the kids blessing but I wanted them to know and understand why she came to this decision. The doctor told me once they stop the blood that in her opinion he has about half a day to live.

You know that is it exactly. In last year or so he was so wrapped up in what he didn’t have he never saw what was right in front of his face. Two wonderful kids that love him very much.

They are the most wonderful people in my life. I feel so helpless that I can’t save them from this. I can hold them and wipe away their tears but I know the horrible grief they will carry in the months to come and it just breaks my heart.

Now he has two kids that are blaming themselves for not seeing him more or not doing more to help him. I told my daughter she is not being fair to herself. If anyone went out of their way to keep in contact and see him it was her. She was not being fair to herself. She was a very good daughter to him and she needs to hold on to that.

She said last night that she asked him on his birthday what he wanted for Christmas and he answered he probably would not be around by then anyway. How could he do that to her?

I tried my best to explain that people are going to do what they are going to do. You can talk to them and you can tell them you don’t agree or you are unhappy but in the end they make their own decisions. She can’t blame herself for anything. She said he was not taking his medication because he did not have the money and she thought about buying it for him. I had to tell her that him not taking the medication did not put him were he is. (none of his medications were antidepressants.) The hardest part was she said what I was thinking at the time which was “he did not have enough money for his medication but he had enough to buy beer.” It is just so sad.

The next few days are going to very hard. We talked about making arrangements. We talked about what to do with his belongings and his house. Of course nothing is definite by any means but for some reason talking about the reality of things seems to settle the nerves and calm the emotions even if only for a brief time.

It really helps to get it all out and know I am not alone.

26

I’m sorry that he never got the chance to make a relationship with his kids his priority. I wish for healing for your family, and for your kids the true realization that you can’t stop someone from drinking themselves to death if that’s what they’re trying for.

27

I have no words. This must be so very hard for you and your kids.

{{{SomeUserName and family}}}

28

Are your kids open to talking to someone about all these issues? I can understand why they are feeling the way they are, but they need to find ways to get rid of the undeserved guilt they’re feeling. It took me a long time to figure out that my father’s problems weren’t my problem.

I notice you’re still asking a lot of “why?” questions. There’s no answer for that. He did what he did, for whatever reasons he had (or none at all). I think you could all use some good counselling to get things straight in your heads.

29

He passed away yesterday morning. They were going to wait until Friday but the hospital called and said that his blood pressure was dropping and they were having a hard time keeping him stable. His sisters and dad were there when they removed the ventilator. I am glad his kids went the day before and were able to see him one last time and say their peace.

It is just so hard to believe he is gone. I had to say it out loud to myself to make it a reality.

We all went to the funeral home yesterday and made all the arrangements. We are going today to start clearing out his house. He mailed a letter to his sister about a month ago that states he wanted everything to go to his children. I think he had given up. I think the piles of bills, lack of a job, being turned down by disablity all while trying to remain sober was to much. I think he knew he was going to start drinking again and knew that this time that he would die from it. He also stated in the letter that he wished to be cremated and even what clothes he wanted to wear.

His one sister seems to be acting sneaky and I think she has been to his house several times and has been going through his things. She made the appointment at the funeral home but was not going to bother to let his own children know about it. If I had not called her to see how things went at the hospital they would have made the entire arrangments without them.

Even when she mentioned the appointment it was more of a slip up then actually telling me. I can’t believe that bullshit. I mean her excuse was “well that is just what we do”. Well that is fine but you have to let his children be involved. They might not have had the best relationship with him but they knew their father and they loved their father. You can not just brush them aside.

I told my daughter that I have been the go between from the first phone call but that she now needs to speak with her aunt directly. I don’t want to come across as a meddling ex wife. She needed to make her wishes known and expressed. She did call her and spoke with her for a good 15 minutes and then we met at their house before going to the funeral home. She also got a copy of the letter he mailed but her aunt kept the orginal. She also had a file box with all his paperwork which I think at this point needs to be turned over to his children.

I think I am going to suggest that my daughter contact a lawyer that is also an old family friend. Since he had no official will then it needs to go through probate court anyway so I think in the end it will be easier to have a lawyer handle all the mumbo jumbo and keep the family from taking things they should not. My daughter is going to request today that she hand over the keys to his house and car. We plan to take the camera so we can get pictures of the entire interior of the home and where everything is.

It is obvious that their dad did not speak about them very much to his sister and did not realize they were rather close to their dad. Their dad could be a whiner at times and a “woes me” kind of person so he may have made it appear that his kids did not see him often but that is not the case. They are not some children that never knew him and are now coming out of the wood work to grab all his things.

To be honest our family is not one to go to counslers. We talk a lot to each other and that helps to get things out. I know the next couple days are going to be hard but we are strong people and we have good friends to help us as well.

30

I’m so sorry for what you and your kids are going through. Strong thoughts are being sent your way.

31

i’m sorry. i hope your son and daughter are granted strength and peace.

i also hope that family drama is kept to a minimum. unfortunatly funerals do have a way of bringing out the beast in some people.

it is said that a person has the choice of being a good example or a horrible lesson. your kids certainly have seen both choices up close and very personal. they sound like strong young adults from your posts, with smart heads on their shoulders. with a bit of luck and a huge amount of love and support they will get through this.

it would be helpful for the three of you to talk to someone who really understands the alcoholic mind. there are many insights there that can make a difference in how you and your son and daughter think about their father.

my mum was able to get the idea through to me that my father started drinking well before i was born. that his need for alcohol had nothing to do with us and everything to do with him. only he was the one who could change it.

most people know that intellectually. believing it totally takes time.

remember we are here for you, and are thinking and sending prayers and thoughts to you, and your entire family. i hope your ex is finally at peace and his demons are quieted.

32

Good luck to you, Some.

33

Your children probably have more legal right to all the doings than the sister does (unless there’s a will…and even that would be questionable).

Sorry for your loss. It’s a very emotional situation, regardless of your current feelings. I wish your family peace.

34

(((someusername))) My thoughts are with you and your kids.

35

My condolences, SomeUserName and kids. None of this was your fault or theirs, but a life basically wasted is a sad thing.

36

There’s a reasonably good chance, depending on your state’s laws and the bank’s policies, that he may have had mortgage life insurance on the house – the kind of thing that pays off the unpaid balance of the mortgage if you die. Some banks/lending institutions require it. It’s definitely worth checking on that; it may save the house from foreclosure. (Even if your kids don’t want it, selling it for what you can get for it will pay bills and give them a small nest egg.) Checking the mortgage paperwork or a quick call to the bank/mortgage holder will give you an answer on that. Or have the family friend lawyer do it.

I have no advice on dealing with the emotional aspects – except, be there for your kids. No matter the age, losing a parent is tough. Whatever the relationship or their ages, they just lost their father; they’ll need their mother.

37

Thank you all for your replies. It really means a lot.

We went there yesterday and brought home four truck loads and 99% of it was comic books and there are still more in the closet of his bedroom :eek:

His sister was there and was helping pack stuff. When we got back after dropping off the first load it seemed as though she was looking for something. She had gone through a cabinet in the livingroom as well as some in the back utility room. She had to move a LOT of stuff to get to the cabinets in back.

I did catch her in one lie so far. His roommate had brought a large dog to the house about three weeks ago. When his sister mentioned it I asked about his cat. She told me that dog and cat were actually getting a long fine but when we went there yesterday the roommate was there and my daughter asked about the cat and he said the cat has not been inside in three weeks since the dog was there. I am not sure why she lied about that. We put food and water out for the cat and it did show up and we were able to get her. She knew my daughter so she ran right to her when she called. I was really worried we would not find her. She is not happy but she is here and safe.

She did take a lot of paperwork and a couple things that she confirmed with his daughter that she wanted and she agreed she could have. She was looking for his car title which I stumbled upon after she left and gave to my daughter. He had just renewed the plates so we figured it was out somewhere.

It is hard to believe a person that just renewed his drivers license and car is dead a month later. Since we have another person today that is going to help and he also drives I am going to suggest we take his car. It is a small station wagon so we can load that up as well.

There is a lot of stuff to still pack. I think they could sell his washer, dryer and fridge for a small amount on CraigsList. Even if they only get $20 bucks for each then they can use that money to keep the gas and electric on for another month.

The house is in very bad shape and IMO is not rentable.

I did not think about that and thank you for mentioning it. I will ask his sister about that. I did talk our lawyer yesterday. We have set up to come in the end of next week as he has a case next week that will take up most of the week. I felt better after talking with him. He agreed that getting everything out of the house is the first priorty.

The mortage company will be knocking soon as well as the collection agencies so we just want everything out so when it comes time for liens and such that they can fight amongest themselves but the house will really be the only thing left.

38

The collection agencies will almost certainly be filing against the estate to get their money, so I hope for his sister’s sake that she’s not caught trying to conceal anything from them.

I’m sorry it ended this way, and I hope your family finds peace in time.

39

Between your children and his sister, you need to appoint an executor of the estate to deal with the paperwork, banks, utilities, etc. They’ll need the death certificate to go forward with cutting off utilities, freezing balances on credit cards, talking with mortgage holders, that sort of thing. That’ll probably be something you discuss with the lawyer next week (you should, anyway).