My daughter's mother (has died.)

My (now long) ex-wife, the mother of my teenaged daughter, is on the verge of death. She has been sick from time to time the last few years including some long hospital stays, but she went in yesterday morning, and late that evening a doctor called to tell me they are very pessimistic. They’re trying, but said to assume the worst.

I’ve called all the relevant people and her father has rushed down.

Still, I have a kid who is just scared and sad and feels it’s unfair she has to deal with this when she’s a kid, and she is very correct. She wants her Mom home, and wants her to help her apply to colleges and watch shows with her. She’s worried about their cats. She’s a kind, sweet, funny kid and shouldn’t have to deal with this. Last night we visited, and she spoke to her mother and pleaded with her to get better. It was heartbreaking.

I will likely (along with my former father in law) have to deal with a mountain of administration, figuring out what to do with her house and all that kinda shit, and I don’t think she’s got her records super organized, so THAT is weighing on my mind but, hell, I’d take that fifty times over to relieve my child of one percent of what she is going through.

She’s watching Spider-Man with her best friend right now and they’re eating pizza. At least she can still be a little happy.

Sorry for her troubles.
I lost my Mom in 2007, when I was in my Forties, and it still hurts just as much.

Oh that bites the big one. Having a child in such pain is very hard. Be sure that her school knows what is going on and discuss the possibility of grief counseling for her with her teacher or whomever necessary when the time comes.

I have a young friend who’s father passed away suddenly when he was doing college in high school, and it threw him into a whirlwind that got him kicked out because he simply couldn’t complete his work. He did eventually get the counseling he needed and is now doing well in the Air Force.

Ask your ex’s father if he knows if she had any wishes for what might happen should she pass. You may have an ally there to help you all determine what is best for your daughter. Good luck.

Regrettably he’s not aware of any, so we’ll just have to work together to sort things out.

I’m so sorry. This is a terrible situation all around. My stepdaughter went through something similar when her father, my late husband, died unexpectedly just a week before her 18th birthday. It was horrible for her. For both of us, obviously, but she was so young.

The only hopefully-constructive advice I can offer is this: As much as you may be tempted to shield her from the pain, don’t let your daughter avoid going through it. She can take it at her own pace, but grief is something that must be processed in order to move past it. Be there for her in every way you can – and I know you will! – but keep her on track with acknowledging this unfair, painful loss. It sounds like she’s dealing really well so far.

In my case, my stepdaughter cut off all contact with me (she lives in Australia) as a way of avoiding acknowledging that her father was, in fact, deceased. We were wonderfully close before his death. But now she prefers to pretend he’s alive and just overseas. My understanding from other relatives with whom I remain in contact is that this approach has caused many issues for her in her life since. I wish it could have been otherwise.

My best to you and your daughter as you navigate this miserable time.

That’s wonderful advice and insight.

RickJay, I’m so sorry your daughter has to go through this.

Well, that sucks.

And I don’t know if you feel resentful at all, but if you do, let me just say that’s A-Ok. Why should YOU have to step in and play executor for a person you divorced - what, a decade or more ago? I guess the answer is, “because we had a daughter together, I prioritize that daughter’s needs, and if I don’t step up my daughter will suffer.”

That seems to be the situation, and it is good that you are doing what needs to be done.

Doesn’t mean it’s fair to you, though. I fail to objectively understand why it’s your problem to take care of the estate of someone you haven’t been married to in years. Wasn’t it HER responsibility to get her life into something resembling order, in a way that didn’t involve you?

Anyway, it’s wonderful that you are putting your daughter’s needs first. But if you want to secretly resent the ex a little bit for putting you in this situation, count me on team RickJay.

My son’s father died when my son was thirteen. We were there when he passed. It was possibly the defining moment of the kid’s life, obviously not in a good way. Son mentioned the other day that he’s lived longer with his dad being dead than alive. :cry:
I have my own feelings about that guy being dead, which are …different, but the fact remains that in some ways my son’s had to cope with more pain in his life than I myself have known. I’m sorry your daughter will be going through this.

I’m so sorry. :people_hugging:

Sorry to hear you’re going through this. One thing that might help you deal is to know that everything you’re doing now will greatly ease the pain your daughter is going through. This is going to have an emotional impact on her that lasts the rest of her life. The more you can do to be supportive, the less that impact will negatively affect her. Like with the estate, I’m sure you’re not looking forward to that, but helping with that will hopefully smooth out the process. In many states the estate will go to the kids if there’s no will, so she’s going to be involved in some way. The more you can shield her from probate drama, the better off she’ll be.

I was sixteen when I lost both of my parents, and I can say from experience that she needs your patient love more than anything else in the world. She will range from self-pity, to angry outburst to crying jags, to personality changes, to God knows what. Just try to be patient and love her.

Oh, that’s the easiest part for me.

:heartbeat:

She died Wednesday afternoon.

My kid is re-devastated. My poor, poor little baby.

No one knows if a will exists, and paperwork is scattered hither and yon. My former father in law is the guy on that, but I have to keep my nose in it because my daughter could be the only heir. I must protect her interests.

There is an additional complication.

My ex sort of unofficially adopted my duaghter’s best friend, whom I shall call Lauren. Lauren is a delightful kid, 17, will be 18 in four months. Her own mother is a genuine, I-shit-you-not lunatic who kicked her out 18 months ago because she has “Devil’s blood” or something. She cannot live there on a regular basis. Her grandmother has no room for her. Her father lives 1.5 hours away; I will speak to him tomorrow but I get the sense he’s not hugely interested in her, and she doesn’t want to go there.

I cannot throw the child into the street. It’s wrong, and my kid would be furious. So I want to watch out for her too, which I sure don’t need, but the right thing to do is the right thing to do, right?

Here, let me rant a little more.

When it became apparent my ex would die, much of my little one’s family rushed in. Her grandfather and aunt on my ex’s side, who work far away, have made 3-hour drives down here just to be here for a few hours. My sister will drop, and has dropped, whatever she is doing to rush here to just sit with the kiddos. Others have offered anything. My best friend offered to fly in from CALIFORNIA. That’s a 3000 mile flight, I had to convince him not to, but he was ready to drive to the airport.

But my mother would not come down. Couldn’t be bothered. She had “obligations,” by which I mean a lunch with friends and a bowling thing. I’m not precisely sure why in her son and first grandchild’s absolute worst moment she couldn’t be bothered to hop in her car and come help out a little, I dunno, maybe talk to her grandchild or order up a few pizzas, but I guess now I know what family I can count on when shit’s going down, and which ones I cannot.

Rick, you are a good soul.

I don’t know what help I can offer, but if there is something I can do, let me know and I will do it.

@RickJay, ask your daughter’s friend what she would like to do under her current circumstances. If she’s still in high school, I’m thinking she doesn’t want to change schools now. This could get complicated, as you know.

My brother had a classmate in a similar situation to your daughter’s friend. She lived with us for her last 6 months of high school and then went to visit other family members and find a job. She ultimately managed to become a nurse, get married, etc. But who knows what would have happened to her at the time if she had to go into the foster system and land somewhere other than her familiar high school. She was on the verge of dropping out. Best of luck to you, your daughter, and her friend.

Yeah, she definitely doesn’t want that.

We may have to end up moving into what will be my daughter’s house. My ex died without a will (stupid) or, apparently, any form of life insurance at all (immensely stupid) or much in the way of retirement savings (appalling) so her estate is essentially bereft of cash or anything of value - except her house, which has a fair amount of equity from what we can guess. My ex-father in law still cannot get specific info on the mortgage, which could be insured but we don’t know, but based on what she was paying, and when the mortgage was renewed and what we do know the interest rate to me, it’s likely a mortgage of $375,000 or so on a house worth $600,000 or more.

That means my daughter’s only real legacy from this is the house, but the house needs some TLC. It stinks of cat piss, it’s messy, it needs paint on every surface, and various other things (thankfully it’s a townhouse so the roof and whatnot is the job of the condo corporation.)

The logical move therefore is to move there, live there until the kiddo turns 18 in October, and in the meantime put elbow grease into it and some paint so she gets max value when she sells it. Iam serious when I say that $10,000 in cosmetic work will add $40,000 in value. It looks like shit from sheer dirtiness but it’s a four bedroom home in greater Toronto. I’ll help her sell it and find her a financial advisor, not one I work with, to help her not fuck up a large sum of dough. She might get a decent financial start out of this, at least. Then she can have an apartment off at college or whatever and I’ll find a new place for myself.

However, we’re assuming the kiddo’s grandfather does get appointed estate trustee, as everyone involved here wants, but ya never know. It could take two more months.

I do not understand how the woman, a PARENT, could have no life insurance and not write a will. We actually had a deal in our separation agreement to carry life insurance. I’ve had life AND critical illness insurance since the kiddo was literally a fetus. And a will. Jesus Christ, who does that?

Was your wife working? Check with her company - my employer provides 2 times your salary in life insurance automatically and free, more for a slight monthly premium. Maybe there’s money there.

StG

I’m sorry to hear this. I wish the best to you and your family.

My advice would be not to worry about upgrades until you’re ready to sell. If the place is livable, no need to take on additional debt or expenses at this time. When you’re ready to sell, get a home equity loan to pay for the upgrades which will be paid off by the sale proceeds. It might be good to have yours and your daughters names on the deeds to make financing easier. On thing to be aware of is that the mortgage company might not transfer the mortgage if the deed holders don’t qualify for the debt. You may need to sell soon if you can’t swing the mortgage.