Just a note. My wife found out today that her Mom, whom she’d been estranged from for most of her life, died yesterday. She’d had diabetes her whole life, untreated most of it and lost both feet to it. And after the latest surgery was declared brain dead due to complications. It has been a busy month, I’ve forgotten the original situation.
She’d been in intensive care for a month, trying to get her to breath on her own so she could be put in a nursing home. There was no chance of recovery at all. Her husband refused to let her go. She was finally breathing on her own, we all thought. She didn’t last long after all.
We are short on details because the whole family on that side doesn’t bring her up anymore. She turned her back on my wife at an early age to live with her BF, and she referred to my wife as a “burden” to the life she wanted.
I hope she enjoyed it, cause it’s over for her. She’ll never know her grandkids, or have a chance to make things right with my wife. She never tried to apolgise, and was antagonistic towards my wife till the end. She was a real bitch, and now is dead. I wish I could feel sympathy for her, but I can’t. I am sorry she never took the chances she was offered to make things better, instead living her life on her terms.
Juliana (my wife’s alias on here) is doing fine, now. She had a bad afternoon, but is asleep now. Strange. I’m sorry she’s dead, but that’s all.
Thanks for reading, at least.
Saint, I’m sorry for your wife’s and your pain. Even tho they were estranged and there are many bad memories and more pain, I’m sure her mom still held a small place in her heart.
Take care of your wife, there may be a few bad days ahead. Losing someone without ever having the chance to at least confront issues is still painful in its own way, its something that may never have closure for Juliana.
(((Saint Zero & Juliana)))
This is going to be a tough one for you both. As Sue said, the closure didn’t really occur. You will be in my thoughts.
SZ, my parents are in a similar position to that of your wife, so I may be able to be of some help here.
Father was sexually abused (among other forms of abuse) by at least: father, grandmother, oldest brother and oldest sister (family of eleven kids, ten recognized . . . more on that later). He grew up in an atmosphere where his faults were pointed out to him, his strengths covered. He was the only one in the entire family who was able to recognize the abusive nature of his family because he found someone who hadn’t had that abusive nature growing up.
What worked for him (and me, so far) was to realize that the shit that happened to him, the abuse, the neglect, all that sort of thing was not his fault.
When my grandparents (his parents) died, all manner of things came out, including my grandfather’s “other” son. All manner of really, truly evil things about him came out which he had actually denied while he had been alive. Check stubs for child support and cousins I didn’t know even existed. Stories of horrors . . . you get the idea.
The point here: those people who got therapy and faced what had happened are doing vastly better than those who continue to deny it. So get her (your wife) to therapy. My suggestion. I do not speak as a professional here. I speak as someone who had stood by and watched things happen.
Thanks everyone, I’ll try to get her some help if I can. Like you said tho, there was no chance for closure. They didn’t talk in later years, and we found out too late she was in the coma.
Sad. sigh
{{Saint Zero and Juliana}} 
I am so sorry for your wife’s loss. I have it seems like much the same relationship with my father as your wife did with her mother. She is going to be feeling alot of conflicting emotions right now. Guilt probably one of them. What you can do is listen to her and love her.
I, too, would like to offer my hugs and support.
From a personal point of view, your wife may seem okay now, but if this comes back to haunt her at a later date, please expect it and don’t be impatient. For years after my father’s death, I was fine with our ‘unresolved’ issues. It was only very recently that I realized how angry I was and that everything wasn’t okay in my head. Some people can’t understand how I could be fine for so long, then erupt now.
Just something to keep in mind, hope it helps. Hugs!
Heloise
Dear Saint Zero and Juliana
I too, am sorry to hear about your loss. I’m sure right now everyone is in a state of shock. I can only imagine how you are feeling. I suspect even you don’t know at this point. That’s OK you are not supposed to. Shock and numbness are the body’s way of enabling you to turn off the emotions long enough to take care of the business at hand. Please don’t feel guilty about the way your mother in law chose to live her life. She was an adult and these were her choices. You don’t have to LIKE them you just have to ACCEPT them. You couldn’t have made her change any more than I have the power to make you change.
Emotions are unpredictable, you think you’re doing fine and then see her favorite cookie in the grocery store and become completely overwhelmed. Don’t deny your emotions ALLOW yourself to FEEL them and NAME them. Think—Yes, I feel sad, angry, guilty, remorseful, etc… . .And do try to talk about her, and talk to her memory. Say all the things you were never allowed to say… Only you know what those words are. Tell her you’re angry for having to go thru this, you feel your kids have been shortchanged, Only when you know what you feel, can you speak it and then let it go. Only then will you be able to accept and forgive.