I’m not sure why I’m posting this. My mom died this weekend. I am sad, but not as sad as people seem to think I’d be. I have chronic depression - dysthymia - and broke up with my girlfriend (whom I thought I wanted to spend the rest of my life with) last month. In some ways I don’t feel THAT much more depressed than I was - I feel slightly guilty that I’m more missing my ex than I am thinking about my mom.
I was thinking about posting “AMA - my mom just died” or a pit thread “I pit Clostridium difficile”, but am just posting this instead.
I have a pretty good network of friends, but it is 11:23 at night - and well - sometimes I think it is easier to talk to strangers.
Condolences on your loss. We all grieve differently, don’t feel that you have to grieve more or less for one loss over another. I hope you are getting some help for your chronic depression, and also hope you will consider grief therapy. For some people that can be very helpful.
I’m very sorry.
If it helps feel free to share what you remember about her. It helps me.
When a very close friend died not too long ago those of us who knew him shared storied and ended up feeling much better.
Thanks all. I have been in treatment for about 13 years or so. It isn’t very helpful - but I guess it is something.
My mom was very kind and always concerned about others. Even at the end she was worried she was putting us all out. I don’t think she quite realized why all her friends were visiting her at the end. She was very organized - that apparently is not a totally genetic trait - as I am not at all. She made things so easy for my sister and me. She had showed me a group of files in the front of her filing cabinet. She color coded them pink. “When I die - everything you need will be in these folders.”. That and her Rolodex to let all her friends know. She donated her body to science. We only had to make a phone call and they came to pick up the body. We are having a memorial service for her this weekend.
My ex doesn’t know. We aren’t talking right now. I don’t think she wants a serious relationship.
Kaiwik - sorry for your mom as well.
I’ve heard from a few people I haven’t heard from in a long time. They seem to think they are intruding. It has actually been really nice to hear from them.
I’m sorry for both of your losses, DataX. It sounds like a lot to deal with at one time, especially when you also have issues with chronic depression. Be sure you stay on top of your therapy (if you’re doing that) and stay in touch with supportive friends and family. You might start grieving both the relationship’s end and your mother’s death more as time passes, but chronic depression itself—as well as some of its treatments—has a way of “damping down” extremes of emotion. Keep in mind that there’s no correct way to feel and no way to do grief right or wrong.
It sounds like your mom was much like mine as far as organizing her final wishes. My mom, who is still living, sends me periodic updates of all of her financial accounts, memorial arrangements, and advance directives. She’s even doing the body donation thing like your mom did. I’m a worrier, so having everything arranged the way she wants it helps me to feel I can handle it if she does die before I do. (I have my doubts; she’s healthier in her 80s than I was in my 30s!)
This right here. Depression really does tend to mute your emotions, even sadness sometimes, so make sure you’re taking care of yourself.
Oh, and C.diff. really can be a bitch. It was what finally ended my mother-in-law’s life after a series of problems.
That’s pretty awesome how organized your mom was, I have to say. My father-in-law made all of their decisions for them, but turns out even at the end of a very long decline (over a couple years) for her, he had nothing at all prepared, except for wanting to go to the most expensive funeral home in town (and then complaining about how “ripped off” he felt). Your mom was a very savvy person. Maybe part of your muted sadness relates to how she was so pre-planned; for you it feels weird to grieve her when she was so relatively accepting.
My condolences. Grieve how feels best to you. My dad died (unexpectedly) when I was still in college, and one thing that irritated me was when friends seemed to think I wasn’t grieving “right.”
I lost my mother about 1 1/2 years ago, she was in her mid 90’s. I was very close to my mother but for some reason I felt no grieving. It had very little emotional effect on me. I felt very guilty about this as it tore my sisters hearts out. I had long ago accepted any unresolved issues would simply remain that way and made no effort or had any real desire to resolve them. My sisters however were wracked with these feeling and even on her death bed in the final moments were trying to get closure on issues.
When I lost my father and a nephew in previous years I felt deep, strong and real grief. I know I have the capacity. No real answer it just affects you the way it affects you.
I’m sorry for your loss. No matter how old the parent is, or what your relationship was, or what state of mind you’re in, it still hurts. It just feels wrong when a parent dies. My dad died 10 years ago, my mom 2 years ago, and I miss them every day. Everyone’s grief is different, nobody grieves the same way. Just go with it. One day you might be fine, the next day might be a nightmare.
There’s a concept which in Spanish is called la buena muerte (lit. “the good death”) and in English I find as both “peaceful death” and “happy death”. While calling any death “happy” seems to me a mite extreme (just a mite. Or maybe an elephant), the idea is that a “good death” is very different both for the dying person and those surrounding them from a “bad death”.
There is no right or wrong way to grieve, but one of the reasons your mother had to leave things organized was because she wanted to make her passing as un-painful (which isn’t quite the same as painless) to you as possible, to make your grief over her death less painful than if you had to add “dealing with a mess” to the pain of her loss. I’m sorry for your loss, and I admire your mother, a woman I never got to meet, for being a caring person to the very end.
Thanks for this (and everyone else as well). I like that Spanish concept. I think I am lucky to have had her go so relatively peacefully - probably 8/10 on what I/she could have hoped for (and that my Sister was able to get into town in time to say goodbye).
It certainly makes me want to at least try and be a little organized and plan for my death. This has made my sister and I talk a little more about this - and I think while figuring out settling her estate stuff - I’m going to put together my advanced directive/ will/refigure out pay on death accounts - and sign up to donate my body as well. I think my mom would be happy if she finally got me to be organized at least in some way.
I am very sorry for your loss. My mom died last November. I felt like I gave her the “kiss of death” the night before. I was never affectionate with my parents, but on that last night, I kissed her on the cheek because I knew it was close. She died 5 hours later. I was just looking at my calendar/journal and I didn’t even document anything. I wish I had. She was 90, so she had a good full life, but honestly, I don’t believe she was ready to go. My brother and I decided to put her on hospice because she kept falling ill and needing to go to the hospital. She had a very dwindling appetite as well. 55 days later, my dad joined her, by choice. He put himself in hospice by not eating and not taking any meds. He was 90 also. I do miss them but I feel grateful to have gotten 45 years with them.
I deal with this stuff kind of weirdly too. I am the person everyone wants in a crisis, because I am calm, cool, collected. I can push it down and deal with what’s happening. Then two weeks later, watching a commercial about diabetes, I break down in sobs.
Your mom sounds like a wonderfully considerate woman, and very brave to look her future in the eyes and deal with it. Waht a bad ass. I hope I am able to do half so well for my kids.