I’m very sorry too. This is a heart-breaking situation even if this decision is for the best. I will continue to keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.
But I have to second what Eve said about pain medication. What harm would it do to keep giving morphine?
They said it was a legal thing. They are not allowed to administer morphine to a person who does not need it or is not in pain. I can’t imagine starving to death NOT painful, so I hope they do give it to him soon. The hardest part is seeing him awake and looking around and knowing what is happening to him. I really don’t even know whether or not he even knows what’s happening himself.
Thanks again for your prayers.
Thank you for sharing the story of this decision. My heart goes out to you and your family. Through personal experience, I truly know how difficult this is.
If it gives you some peace, I recall the hospice nurses saying that there really is very little pain with “starving to death”. (I don’t particularly like that phrase, but I am stumped about supplying a better one.) In addition, I found that in my mom’s case at least, the doctors and nurses, both in the hospital and in the hospice, were quite lenient with the rules about administering morphine. They never hesitated if there was the least bit concern about discomfort. As I understand it, this is quite a change of attitude from as recently as a few years ago.
Maybe Qadgop could give you a more informed perspective.
dreamer… I’m sitting here with tears reading this, this morning. I applaud you and your family. I know it was so hard to come to this decision. At night while sitting with mom I sometimes wish we had taken that path. It hurts so bad seeing her like this. I can’t imagine what it’s like for her. God bless you and your family…
(((( Girlbysea )))) You are in my prayers.
**Algernon ** thank you, I will definitely be asking about that when they transfer him and I hope what you say is true with his new nurses.
over and over in church services there is a prayer for: “a painless, blameless, and peaceful ending to our lives.”
the very difficult decision that you and your family made will provide that. i will keep y’all in my prayers.
You, your family and the doctors have done all loving people can do, dreamer.
As much as you can, don’t worry about the medical pros allowing your father to suffer. They work a heartbreaking job but they do it with much compassion. They know your father’s condition and they will do everything possible to let him go gently. The terminal care folks who cared for my parents were wonderful to them, and to my sister and I.
By all means stay with you father as much as you can, but please remember to spare some care for yourself as well.
You and your family are staying in my thoughts, dreamer.
Veb
I wanted to let you all know that my Dad passed away last Friday night. It took only 3 days after the tubes were taken out so I believe he was ready to go. Now he is at peace and free. I was the last one to see him aware and awake and we had had some special moments together on Thursday morning. I am glad he does not have to linger and suffer anymore. I will miss him so much but I am hopeful I will see him again someday.
Tuesday was his funeral. It was a beautiful military service. There were 3 service men (one woman) who shot their rifles three times and then the song “Taps” was played on a trumpet. There was a beautiful American Flag draped across the casket which was folded so nicely by the service men and given to my stepmother, who in turn gave it to me. The pastor said some very nice words and added some humor about my Dad which made everyone feel at ease. My Dad lived to be 70 and it was his time, he said. We all will go back to the dust from which we came and back to the God that made us and loves us.
The whole time I was imagining my Dad standing to the side under his umbrella (he loved rain) and watching everything that was going on with a smile. He would have been proud. I am proud to have had the honor of knowing him and being his daughter.
Thank you all again, your comments and support have meant so much.
Thank you for the update. I agree, it does sound like your dad was ready to move on, and hopefully this will help quell any doubts that might remain in your heart. It also sounds like that funeral was the best possible way to send him off.
My dad died when I was in my early 20s, and I learned that you carry on with you in your heart and memories parts of those people. So by sharing a little about your dad with all of us, he has touched us in some small way as well. May you find many occasions in your life to share the lessons your father taught you, and thus keep the best part of him “alive.”
dreamer, thank you for sharing this closing chapter with us.
I am happy for you that you had those special moments with your father before he passed away. I too treasure those last few interactions with my mother before she left us earlier this year.
I am proud of you and your family for making the right, albeit difficult, decision about maintaining the dignity of the end of this life, and not prolonging the suffering.
It is interesting to me how sometimes the most seemingly insignificant thing can trigger a sense of loss, even after the many months that have gone by already. For example, Thanksgiving dinner was OK. But I got choked up when I was washing the dishes afterwards because my mom always dried. I was at first sad. Then I smiled. Such is love.
Thank you again for sharing your story.
Dreamer, I started to read this thread and froze. I thought I was stronger and that I’d healed more in 4 years. I did continue reading and hoped to have some helpful interaction with you. I was going to remind you to say goodbye, even if you weren’t sure he could hear you. I was going to urge you to spend some alone time with him and to make your peace…tell him your sorry for all the disagreements and that your forgive him for anything he might have said. I was going to remind you to make sure you told him you loved him. And then I read your December 11th post.
December 11th. Don’t forget that day, girl. Don’t let yourself. Next year you should make sure you call all of your family that day. Its important. Sometimes family may get on your nerves…and I don’t know your family history. But for one day, put it aside. Do something nice that he would have been proud of that day. Visit his grave or urn or where his ashes were scatterred. Drive by the office building where he worked and have lunch near there. Or maybe, if your Dad loved golfing or fishing, spend the day doing that. And if you find the sun is warm on your face and if the mood strikes you, feel free to look up at the sky and say “Thank You, Dad. God, I miss you…”
Don’t be embarrassed about needing to take your day. We all have that day…or we all will someday. Mine is October 16th…
dreamer… I have thought so much about you these last few days. You have reached a point now that you can start healing. The good memories will now flood your days. I’m glad you and your dad had your time together. I believe in my heart, that their heart stays with us. Best of luck to you and your family.
Dreamer, it’s over. After the funeral comes the remembering. I’m so glad the remembering is good with you! Enjoy the good bits while you go through the rough times. Thank you, wholeheartedly, for sharing this personal story with us; it means a lot to us too that you bothered to tell us about your father. May he rest in peace. You did right by him.
dreamer your Dad is at peace and out of pain. He is amongst the friends and family who welcomed him into Heaven.
Yet, he will be there, on a day when it is a bad day at work
and that sudden rush of ‘hey, things aren’t so bad after all.’ goes over you. It is him, sending you his love.
I started reading your responses and they brought tears to my eyes. Thank you quietman1920. I did tell him I was sorry for many things I did and did not do, and that I forgive him for many things he did and did not do. I spent a lot of time alone with him and I am so grateful that I did. That last time, on Thursday morning, was the first time he took my hand under his instead of me holding his hand in mine. It was then that I knew it was going to be soon, maybe he did too.
I’m so grateful that my story was able to help some of you, but I’m even more grateful for the stories that were shared in this thread. Knowing that I was not alone in this helped me get through it. All of you have been a true blessing to me.
Thank you for letting us know, dreamer. For what ever it’s worth, a lot of people were wishing you and your dad the best.
I’m glad that you dad went gently, and that you–and he–are at peace.
Wishing all comfort to you,
Veb
Thank you for starting this thread, Dreamer. Your Dad will never be forgotten, nor will we forget your bravery and compassion in his time of need.
I almost missed seeing this, as I hadn’t checked the board since noon yesterday. My best wishes are with you, dreamer. I’m glad you had the chance to say goodbye and know that your Dad was, and is, at peace with you forever. The last thing I ever said to my mother was “stay out of trouble.” I don’t know if she heard me, as she was in a coma at the time. That was almost eighteen years ago, and I still think of her every January 27.