I’m really sorry. My uncle was found to be looking at kiddie porn last year, but his family didn’t take him to the police. It really caused a huge problem in the family, not because anyone thought he wasn’t guilty, but because various other issues came out of the closest that my aunt had kept covered up. I think it’s settling down a little now, but there were a number of my cousins who wouldn’t talk to their mother for a while.
The weird thing was that when I was a kid, he seemed like the cool uncle. It wasn’t until I saw him some 20 years later, after I became an adult that I realized what a flake he was. He came over to drop something off at my mother’s house once, and when he was gone, I asked my mother if he had always been that strange. Yup.
I’m so sorry Mint! But very very glad that he’s been caught. I second the recommendation to find a counselor to talk to. My experience of finding out that someone close to me was a pedophile included a slow but steady re-ordering of hundreds of memories. Little things that happened that, given what I know now, were major :smack: moments.
It started slow but quickly began to snowball as more and more memories bubbled up and got re-interpreted. So many things finally made sense and not in a good way.
This process can be extremely disorienting, and having a prfoessional on your side from the beginning can make the difference between growing through it or breaking down because of it.
I hope I’m not catastrophizing, or scaring you. I just want to forewarn you so you can some support in place right away.
For your brother - try to show some compassion. He is also in shock, and dealing with this as best he can. He may be cocnerned for the family name, and hoping to clear it, or he may just want your Dad to be treated fairly within the limits of his rights as a defendant.
As for the dementia question, it may be the reason he finally got caught, but it was likely always there. Dementia doesn’t create new tendencies, it just breaks down the filters that keep them in check.
{{{{{{{{Mint_Julep}}}}}}}}}
I’m so sorry Minty. Why don’t you pour yourself a glass of your namesake and take it easy for a while.
Gosh, my heart goes out to you, that must be just awful to live through.
Good on you, for sensing, even as a child that you should keep your distance from this man. I cannot imagine what you must be feeling but consider a counseling session even if it’s with a pastor or such. You’d be surprised what they have experience with, and don’t worry, they truly do not care if you attend their church or practice their faith. Just walk through a door and ask.
I’m sending you waves of healing thoughts and wishing you peace. Oh, and a boring future!
Another thought that occurred to me re: sibling differences. Keep their reactions in the context of what you know about their usual coping mechanisms. If you are like me, you will begin to see symptoms and reasons for suspicion in everyone. But people whose entire self-definition is under attack (as is probably true for anyone going through this at such close range) will become very defensive of their defense mechanisms.
In English - If denial is the only thing holding your brother upright through this, don’t try to take it away from him. Let him know that you repect his right to his own thoughts and opinions, and if he ever needs to talk you are there for him.
Is there any possibility that his daughter may be a victim as well? I hate to raise the thought, but would your brother be open to some kind of counseling for his daughter to discuss whether anything ever happened to her? If not, perhaps you should talk to the authorities who arrested your father to make sure they’re aware that there is a girl that age within the family.
Thanks to all for your kind words and wishes. I dont think my brother’s daughter could have been a victim. They live several hours away and my dad has never been alone with any of the grandkids. He was never a loving man and just did not have that sweet grandpa/kiddo relationship with any of them. My Mom has recently admitted to me that my Dad had a couple of affairs while we were little. As a child, I was well aware that she wanted a divorce. He made it clear that she would never get a dime from him and that we could all starve if she left though. They slept in seperate bedrooms since I was old enough to have a memory, and they never spent a moment together. Oddly, as all of us grew up and moved away, they genuinely seemed to become close and as loving as they knew how to be. There have been times in the past that I resented how happy they seem now and thought, why couldn’t they have been that way while I was stuck there? Instead of fighting all the time and being miserable.
And then he just had to ruin it all.
The offenses seemed to begin in 1995 (as least as far charges go) and continued until at least 2011. He was of sound mental health and in my opinion still is, so as I mentioned, I dont think Dementia can be blamed.
I really think I do need to talk to a counselor. Right now, only my guy and my family members have been in the know. I just cant talk about it to any of my pals that have kids. I feel like they will look at me like and somehow blame me or think that I should have known and prevented it. I have friends that went to High School with me and whose kids were at the daycare and could have been affected. Supposedly there are several other girls whose families just opted not be involved in the trial drama.
It is just too much to wrap my head around.
And my older sis (who also has 2 little ones) emailed me the jail info yesterday regarding snacks that can be taken and visitation. He is in a local jail for a few months before being moved to a larger facility. This is just not something that I ever thought I would be coping with, and I sincerely appreciate you all and your advice.
Me neither, and, me too.
This is a hard thing, Mint Julep, and I am very sorry for what you are going through and may go through in the future.
I’m an incest survivor and have been estranged from my mother and the rest of the family for decades. These things can certainly tear a family apart. It is your choice what relationships you keep within your family, up to you and each other person. It is crazymaking to imagine that because somebody is family, you have the obligation to retain relationship or a certain kind of relationship. There is NOBODY who is entitled to maintain a relationship with you regardless of what they do or have done. Choosing what you do at each step of what may be a long process can be difficult and painful, and I think there are a very few things that are essentially mandatory, such as looking out for the safety of helpless children. But when choosing your own relationships, there is nothing mandatory, no matter what anybody else says. Plenty of years and plenty of excellent professional counseling have helped me acquire this truth for myself. I offer these observations because I imagine it is possible that this will be useful to you. In any case I wish you all the comfort imaginable in this whole thing.
Napier, my sincere condolences and appreciation for sharing your experience. It means a lot to hear the perspective of a victim of such abuse to help keep this in perspective. I got a very brief letter from him today. He said he is adapting to his jail cell and his cell mate at the local county jail. He mostly just apologized.
I am the closest sibling (proximity wise) to my home town and my Mother and to be honest I wish that were not the case. She has never been a Mom that one could lean on and I am trying to muster up the strength to be that for her. Just trying to take it one day at a time.
It sounds as though you are quite a victim in this whole system too, though not (necessarily) of your father’s predations. Your parents sound as though they have given you little to work with and then finally placed practically impossible demands on you. Wherever you got what you have from, it can’t have been easy. Take care of yourself; everything else you do relies on that base.
I did that for decades, being the one to keep my mother from falling apart. It wasn’t until I was falling apart myself that I “let her go.” Yes, I’m still sympathetic to her, but I no longer sacrifice everything myself for her. Funny thing is that she found other support.
I also have cut off my old brother, the one who raped me, because he refused to take responsibility for it. I’ll echo others who say that you have no obligation to do anything for your father, especially right away. First and foremost, take care of yourself now, and then look at see what you can do if you want to.
It must be a tough position, I’m sorry.
I think that’s the best way. I too am so sorry you are all going through this. Good luck.
I’m keeping up with your thread. Have been struggling to add…except, where other people are concerned: Hold your head high and look 'em in the eye. You didn’t do it.
Do NOT feel obligated to take “snacks” to your Dad. Do not feel obligated to visit him, simply because you happen to live closest. If you want to, fine. Do not let anyone pressure you.
As Becky2844 said above, you didn’t do it. Don’t let anyone make you feel bad for what someone else did. You are also a victim here; it’s a difficult thing to go through.
I’m glad you are considering counseling; I hope you can find someone who will help you put this into perspective and deal with it.
You are in my thoughts.
Mint Julep, I can’t begin to tell you how much my heart aches for you, and how I wish you didn’t have to go through this.
You have no obligation to your father and only minimal obligation to your mother. Your greatest obligation is to yourself. Set limits ahead of time. Consider the most likely scenarios of dealing with family are going to be (brother demands you see dad, sisters admit they suffered abuse, mother goes into denial) and pre-plan what your response will be. I’ve found that kind of rehearsal is extremely helpful, because it takes the pressure of creating a response in the moment away. If you find yourself trapped in a situation without an answer, remember: you don’t have to give an answer right them. You can always say “You know, I really need to think about this. Let me get back to you.”
I will suggest, as gently as possible, that if you can find the endurance and strength to notify your friends - especially the ones who had children at risk - please do so. Explain to them what your father did and that you only recently learned about it, but you’re worried about them or their children. You might even do it over email with a list of resources for the parents. It would be a tremendously brave and kind thing to do, and I honestly think that the vast majority of those you know would be grateful for it. Those who aren’t? Well, they’d be going through some terrible, terrible things, and that may skew their reactions. Not your fault.
I also add my voice to the suggestion to find counseling. There are times when we need some objective authority on our side, someone whose sole concern is our wellbeing, whose only stake in the matter is our best interest. This is definitely one of those times.
(My bold) You are NOT to blame for anything! Find a councillor. Talking it out will help. I know, it feels like a dirty secret, but, it isn’t your dirt, it’s his. Children, even grown children aren’t responsible for a parent’s bad behavior!.
I’m so sorry you have to deal with this. Stay strong.
So sorry! I don’t have words except stay strong (you are obviously VERY strong–be proud) and take care of yourself! Good thoughts to you 
My Mom called me Saturday. She asked if it would be okay for her to drive over and visit me on Sunday. I agreed and said we could go to church together. (She is too ashamed to attend her prior church of many years because one of the victims also goes there) We had brunch after and I let her talk. She is just so odd and I know this is very hard for her, but she tends to zone out on the most mundane details and over look the big problems. I suppose that may be her coping mechanism so I try to just roll with it. It takes all my restraint not to yell at her when she drones on about how she has never had a checking account and how she has no idea where to go to pay the utilities. I have offered to help, but I just want to SCREAM! She never helped me figure any of this out in my life! I had to do everything for myself. All she ever did was HATE my Dad when I was a kid, and now she seems miserable and pathetic and helpless with out him. I have so much more to add…but to be honest I am at work and feeling quite ill. I am hoping to finish up and head home. The thought of vomiting in a public bathroom is about to become unbearable. I think I need a sanity day. And again, thank you all for being my support system. It has been priceless to be able to log on and share with you all.