My Dreams Are Never This Weird

I don’t usually have memorable dreams.

And even when I do, they’re not surrealistic, TV-style dreams that send some sort of message.

So last night, I dreamt that I was in New York, attending a performance of Gigi.

Great show. And afterwards, I was at the stage door, and Honore and Mamita and Gigi all came out. And I was chatting with them as we all walked down the street, and I was saying that we should stop and have a drink somewhere. Then Honore and Mamita looked at each other (as may be clear, they were their characters, not the actors) and said, “We have a hot tub at our apartment, you could join us there.”

And I realized they were asking me to … er… swing with them, and I said something like “No, no, I appreciate the offer, but I’m not that adventurous.”

And then Gigi said, “You could come home with me!”

And Mamita said to her, “No, he’s too old for you, dear.”

And I said indignantly, “I’m not. This is 1973!”

And Honore said, “It doesn’t matter. You’re one of us now.”

At which point I woke up.

I assume this came about because Sirius/XM’s Broadway channel has had “I Remember It Well” in heavy rotation the past couple of days, or something. Or I’m suffering from a rare brain disorder.

But I never have dreams like that, and it was weird.

I’ve been having more interesting dreams lately, unfortunately as time passes I forget them. But last night’s was one of those dream within a dream one. I dreamed I woke up and was in bed with my boyfriend, only he was on the wrong side of the bed. I expressed doubt that the situation was real because he was not visiting me that night and on the wrong side of the bed but he assured me it was real and it felt real so I started to believe it was real until I noticed the extremely large bottles of deodorant and rubber gloves on the back of the bed. I asked what those were for and he said “you’ll see”. Then the ground started shaking (we weren’t doing anything) and I asked what that was and he said “you’ll see” and I said that was getting annoying. So I got up and looked out the window and it was all foggy but eventually the lower half of Godzilla came into view heading straight for my house. I panicked and yelled at my boyfriend to get out of bed and against the wall because he was going to trample the house but he didn’t move and Godzilla turned at the last minute and walked around the house. Then I noticed the bad stench that followed him and my boyfriend said “now you know what the deodorant is for!” but he never explained the rubber gloves and then I woke up.

Are you sure that didn’t really happen?

Wile, that’s an everyday occurrence over here. Do you want to know what the rubber gloves are for?

I have an inkling it has something to do with other stuff he leaves behind.

Ooh, ooh, I have one, from just this morning! It’s really long, so I won’t post the whole thing, but man was it weird. I find I have the strangest dreams when I’m sleeping lightly, before I’m supposed to wake up for the day.

I was a guy in the dream, so that’s weird to start. I was left this property in someone’s will, and I went with a couple of friends to go check it out. Except one of the friends wasn’t human, he was sort of a Pan character, except with a purple body and a unicorn head, and he walked with one hand inside his furry suit, clearly holding a giant boner in there.

So we get to the building, which was a large commercial building that looked a lot like a school. There was a dirt racing track in the front, and once we went inside I had to use a key to unlock a padlock to a gate that was just past the front door. There was a huge indoor-outdoor pool once we got inside, and it was lit like a disco, with disco ball and rainbow walls.

So, unicorns and rainbows! It goes on and on from there, it was a loooong dream, and it got weirder but many details are fuzzy now and I’m sure I’ll forget it by tomorrow. There was swimming, and sex, and while I was in the pool I needed to pee, but didn’t.

When I woke up, I really needed to pee.

I once had a nightmare that a Godzilla-style monster was attacking a city I was in. I think this happened shortly after Cloverfield came out. I was watching the monster coming, and was pretty scared, until I remembered something: monsters don’t exist. I thought to myself, “If monsters don’t exist, that must mean I’m dreaming. And if I’m dreaming, I can do anything I want. Right now, I want to kick that monster’s ass.” And so I did. It was the first time I’ve ever had a lucid dream.

Since then, when ever I’m having a nightmare, I can pretty reliably follow the same line of logic. Usually, realizing I’m in a dream wakes me up, but about one time in ten, I can stay asleep and inside the dream, and do whatever the hell I want.

Consequently, I’m the only person I know who looks forward to bad dreams.

Unicorns, rainbows, a disco ball, and a giant boner.

Gayest dream ever.

I often have weird dreams.

One dream I had placed me in a hotel full of a convention of serial killers. (“The Collectors” from the Sandman books played a major role here.) I knew that I had to get from the top floor to the bottom using the stairs and that I was in danger of being killed. The stairs fronted the lobby or something (dream architecture never makes sense) so I was being watched the whole way down. I woke up not knowing if I was a serial killer or just someone else in the hotel. That was the oddest sensation.

A strange dreams thread? I have got to resurrect my old post from this thread some time ago:

You guys need to work on it. I spent five years dreaming I was hanging out (ha ha) with the Baader Meinhof Group while going to Aleister Crowley’s haunted cocaine palace. Sometimes Albert Spica (from The Cook, the Thief, His Wife and her Lover) would show up and I’d have to ask Baader Meinhof to get him.

My weirdest dream happened not long after Pope John Paul II passed away. I dreamt I was part of his security detail, and my partner was the morning radio lady on the station at which my clock radio was set. She informed me that two Nazis were going to attempt to poison the Pope with a gift of poisoned vichyssoise, and that it was my job to intercept it.