Get some therapy. Find a way to get your SELF back. This girl has sucked the life out of you and she will keep on taking until there is nothing left. Relationships do not have to be this painful.
Mr_Friendly,
If I may be blunt, it sounds to me like you have a savior complex, and your “ever caring girlfriend” is merely feeding your condition. Don’t feel bad about it, I have the same problem. I’m always looking for girls who need me to “save them.” The best thing you can do, and I know it’s going to seem harsh, is to tell her to go to the police and have them help her. Find her a few numbers of rape crisis hotlines, and WALK AWAY.
Then the crime, and the evidence of the crime, is held in Mr F’s very hands.
Mr F:
- Photocopy the letter.
- Phone the friend, ask to meet her in person, show her the letter, and ask her if it is true.
- Whatever the response, speak to your girlfiend. Unless she admits outright that it is a lie, tell her that you are going to the police in order that the barman’s house be searched and that the barmen be questioned, so that they do not do the same to other girls. Try and convince her that, painful and messy as the investigation might be, it is your duty to flag these men up so that they do not cause such pain to others.
I assure you this was a genuine typo!
Just lost my post, let’s try this again.
I would like to strongly argue against anything like what SentientMeat proposed in point #2.
For a moment, imagine this whole situation is true and imagine it from the friend’s perspective. She gets a phone call for a little meeting in a cafe and is then confronted with her own rape and accusations about her friend. No matter how delicately one enters into this discussion, it has the serious potential to turn out traumatic for this other young woman.
On a similar note, as much as I’d like to see the men who did this caught and prosecuted, I don’t think I can agree with involuntarily subjecting both women to a police investigation if they don’t want it.
I haven’t read the other threads, but understand MrF’s gf has been trouble in the past…still, isn’t it better to err on the side of caution, for both her sake and this other young woman?
If you care for her, MrF, maybe the best thing you can do is recommend or help her get some therapy/support and then remove yourself from the situation.
Best of luck to both of you.
Mr_Friendly, I know this is going to fall on deaf ears…it has for months now.
You’ve told us several times that she’s a drunkard, a slut and a liar.
The Teeming Millions have suggested that you run as fast and as far as you can.
You’re still with her.
She’s still causing you pain.
There’s really no nice way of putting this (well, there is…but it doesn’t seem to work): If you want to make stupid decisions with your life, that’s fine by me. But at least quit bitching about it, please.
You seem like a really decent guy. Intelligent, sensitive, etc. Why the blind spot here? What on earth could possibly keep you with this girlfiend*?
Maybe it’d help if you made a list of pros and cons. I can help get you started on the cons list if you like. Or you can re-read the past threads that you’ve written about her; it might help you gain some perspective.
In the end, though, if you can’t stop hitting your thumb with the hammer, put the hammer down. Carpentry really isn’t for you. Get it? Please?
[sub]*Not a typo. I like the word, and plan on using it in the future…Thanks, SentientMeat![/sub]
addendum As you can probably guess from my post: No. I don’t believe she was raped. I think it’s all manipulation. Having been manipulated myself on several occasions by several women (though rarely more than twice), I would hope, at least, that I can recognise a bullshit story and cry for sympathy/attention when I read one.
That said, I could be wrong. But I doubt it.
Agreed, moi, but surely the long term harm from pretending the entire thing hadn’t happened is potentially far more serious? If Mr F simply leaves some phone numbers for his GF and flits off, this other girl is left numberless and helpless with nobody looking out for her.
I have read the other threads and I still cannot believe the consensus attitude here. This girl gets drunk often: that is common in the UK. Christ, I get wazzocked myself regularly enough. This girl also allegedly had sex in some toilets after this alleged rape. This is all Mr F has told us about this girl, and yet she has been painted to be some awful alcoholic harpy who should be avoided at all costs and is most likely making all of this up. Yes, he said she lied, but what we are finding now is the alleged reason for the lies.
The worst thing that can happen in this case is that these men rape another young girl. The course of action which makes this most likely to happen is for Mr F to give his GF a rape crisis number and bugger off.
Sorry, I’m out of sympathy. If he keeps banging his head on the wall, I don’t feel the need to comfort him anymore. Some people’s lives are miserable and some people insist on making their lives miserable and keeping it that way.
Jesus, is it getting a bit Twelve Angry Men in here or what?
Mr Friendly, please tell us how this develops. If, somewhere along the line, it emerges that the accusation is a manipulative lie, I will hold up my hands and admit I was alarmist.
But for heaven’s sake, if a hard-drinking promiscious young girl who was prone to lying ever really did get raped under the influence of a paralysing drug, then pray that her boyfriend didn’t seek advice on the SDMB.
Dude,
I’ve followed all of your threads. I’ve said to myself that you oughta dump the girl from the very first paragraph of your first ever post on the subject. The girl is a drunk, a liar, a cheat.
Having had a girlfriend who claimed the same thing(and that her “gang rape” got her pregnant with her first child), who eventually cheated on me and faked a pregnancy on me…well, I suppose you can tell where this is going.
Dump her. Get loose and run away. Fast. As fast as your little puppydog love sickness will allow you to run.
Sam
SentientMeat, I’m wondering if you’ve read the other threads.
I have, and this new development seems to fall right into the previous pattern. I’m of the same opinion as blessedwolf. Rather convienent that this letter surfaces at the very moment Friendly is threatening to leave her, no?
Mr. Friendly you are in the middle of a very vicious and self destructive cycle. It’ll keep going until you’ve got nothing left, emotionally, and most likely physically. If you’re hellbent on destroying your life and sanity, then so be it. We here certainly can’t do anything to change that. But please don’t continue to come on here asking for sympathy when you obviously ignore every piece of advice given to you in the past.
I beg of you. Read your past threads again. It’ll help lend perspective. I did the same thing when I first came on these boards, and I just recently read my past threads and felt damn silly, since I’ve long kissed the loser in question goodbye. Read them again and feel the pain again. Feel the anger again. Hopefully it’ll become too unbearable to remain in your current situation.
I expect this is a waste of time, but I hope not: you want to believe that the nobility of your selflessness is somehow worth something and will be recognized and rewarded. You’re wrong. It won’t be. By being a doormat for this girl, you’re enabling her destructive behavior by softening the consequences of her actions.
Life rule #1: never, ever stay in a relationship that is bad for you because you think leaving would add to the other person’s problems.
You’re not responsible for this girl’s problems or unhappiness. Playing the noble martyr may make you feel like a good person, but all your sacrifices are for nothing. Personally, I suspect the date rape story was a lie, but even if it wasn’t, that doesn’t change the fact that she is bad for you and you need to stay away from her.
I’ve been following these threads for a while, and have hesitated to say anything because I myself have been ‘the nice guy’ in relationships where I would have been better served getting off my ass and moving on.
That said, I am tired of this shit. And frankly, to the OP, if, I’m at my wits end with this drama, I imagine that you’ve gone certifiably fucking insane. That’s the only way that I think you’re still attached to this woman.
Either you’re pulling our chains (and more than once I’ve considered this, as your limpness and inability to determine your own destiny seem supernatural), or you have serious problems in your head. You are in an abusive relationship- as abusive as if this girl was beating you silly every day. But you keep repeating the mantra of ‘I love her, i don’t want to leave her’ over and over like it will convince you of something, or that staying with her is a goal in and of itself. In the meantime, you are neglecting your own emotional health, and I bet have passed up on opportunities to make healthy connections with other people.
Get off you ass and go. I am finding her story incredibly hard to believe, and frankly, even if it is true, you are not the person to help her work it out. Perhaps if you can understand that THERE IS NOTHING THAT YOU CAN DO FOR HER you can get over yourself and move on.
Of course, no one listens to me. I’m just waiting on pins and needle for her to end up pregnant (it’ll be yours, I’m sure (she’ll say)) and you’ll be tied to her for the rest of your life. But perhaps that will make her change her ways. Right.
Good luck.
Is there anyone here who entertains the notion that this letter is telling the truth?
And, if so, that this girl could do with Mr F’s support through the necessary investigation?
Phone the friend Mr. F, and find out once and for all.
Not to be harsh but have you ever taken a bit of the advice any of the dopers here have given you? You come in with a truly sad tale and asked for help, distressed more than a few caring people here and then a couple of months later come back to say you’re still letting yourself get fucked.
I’m truly sorry about your situation. I’m also a little pissed that you’ve ignored genuine pleas from caring folks to get help and keep coming back to stress them again.
If you enjoy being miserable, fine. If you want things to change then why don’t you heed some of the reasoned advice you’ve been given. My guess, no my hope is that if you come back in a month with yet another “I’m still with her and she’s still fucking me around” story that you’re gonna catch a real rash of shit from many here who have tired of your tale.
I hope things get better for you but you have to make a change. If you don’t then my sympathy’s over.
Some people just want to be martyrs, sad to say.
Fucking hamsters.
Meat-
Having been the doormat for a like-minded whore, I can speak with some sort of authority on this subject.
I alienated my family, moved 75 miles from home, and ended up flat broke, busted up, and wrecked because of the exact type of girl. She lied, she cheated on me repeatedly. I tried counseling her on her “rape”, by being understanding and being the good guy that I am.
It got me exactly dick, and it will get this guy exactly the same. Girls who play these games don’t want support, they want drama. They want drama and someone to be there for them while they drink, fuck other people, and play the victim.
While you’re being a good guy to them, they will constantly use their victimization* as an excuse to behave badly.
Sam
*- Which is not to say that this girl isn’t a victim of a rape-but with the past record of lying and cheating and promiscuity and that chance of losing this guy, I’d say it was fabricated. It hits a little too close to home for me to buy.
Sure. Let’s assume that she was indeed drugged and raped.
Does that change the fact of all the shit that she has heaped on the OP over their time together? Does that somehow make him responsible for her if she finally has a real problem for once? How long is he supposed to feel sorry for her and keep helping her, despite the fact that she’s been a shit to him all this time?
The rape is HER problem to deal with, not his. It is not his job to save her from her problems. He has to save himself first. If he wants to be kind, he can direct her toward the appropriate professional resources. But he still needs to get away from her, just as if she had never told him about this. She may need someone’s support, but it doesn’t have to be his. There are plenty of other resources available.
When I was in college, my mom was finally on the verge of leaving my dad, which would have been the best thing for all of us. But then he became ill and had to be hospitalized, and she stayed with him because “it would make me look bad to the family if I left him now.” I say he reaps what he sows, and if his wife had left him, it would have been his own damn fault, illness or no.
If she wanted her boyfriend to be there for her and support her through a real crisis, then maybe she shouldn’t have been behaving all this time in a manner that could only drive him away.
I don’t think SentientMeat is worried about Mr. F’s girlfriend as much as he is worried that the alleged rapists will repeat their crime. Police need to be notified to ensure that nobody else will get hurt.