It’s not been a burden to our family. In fact my sons two close friends over the years each had hyphenated last names as well, the families talk about how it’s been. These other two families don’t report anything unusual or particularly burdensome. People just refer to us as the Name-Name family and everyone knows who belongs.
In addition, my son has had two male teachers with hyphenated last names, so the kids have had lots of examples of families like ours. We’ve lived in MO, CA and now CT with no problems, my husband has flown on planes with my kids alone and has had no problems etc.
It’s just been a nonevent and frankly only positive to us. We really don’t care if they drop a name come adulthood.
Actually, what AK84 proposes is something which the Brits (I understand it’s very common for the Scots) copied from the Portuguese and which is quite common in the US as well: in English it’s called “using the mother’s lastname as a middle name” and it gave us a lot of firstnames which are common nowadays in the US but which started life as lastnames. In Portuguese it’s called “having two lastnames, maternal first”.
My cousin and her husband agreed to have any boys take his surname and any girls take hers. If case you needed another option :smack:
Here in Northern Virginia USA the schools are very used to kids surnames being different that at least one parent’s. Sometimes I think we’re the unusual family since Mama Zappa, our kids, and I all use the same surname.
Could you tell my bank that? I’m currently changing my bank because the one I’ve had for years was sold and the new owners don’t comprehend hyphens. They’re constantly f’ing up my name on paperwork and giving me a stink when I tell them to correct it. You WILL use my legal name on legal documents!
I swear, if one more biddy asks me “but which is your LAST name?” I’m going to get stabby. THEY’RE BOTH MY LAST NAME! Oh, and the people who insist “no, that’s your MIDDLE name…” No, dumbass, I know what my name is!
When I went to apply for a government job requiring security clearance some time back the interviewer asked me what “other names” I’ve used in my life. I gave them. He went away, then came back, calling me into a room, then laid down a sheet of paper with at least a dozen variants of my name and asked me to explain myself, emphasized withholding info was a bad thing, etc. I told him mass-marketers were morons who didn’t understand that one can lack a middle name and have a hyphenated surname. Other people have tried to label me with those, but I have only used this (much shorter) list of maiden name and current name.
Granted, it’s getting better, but seriously, people I’m tired of this bullshit and if changing my name yet again wouldn’t just add to the hassle I’d do it.
It is becoming more common and accepted to have various last names within the family, though it is not without issues that you will have to deal with for what seems like a very long time.
My thoughts, which some consider insightful, is for you and her to plan a trip somewhere different that will give you and her time together as well as a goal in mind, something to accomplish in that trip and something that will take the entire trip to work together to accomplish (such as a hiking trip, where you want to traverse a certain route, but it can be anything). A goal that will require both your and her skills and efforts. The trip purpose, outside of the goal (in the example hiking the route), it should have another goal that both should know and agree ahead of time, of talking and seeking a solution to the question you posed with both of you working together to come up with the solution that works for you and her together. As you work together towards the physical goal you should hopefully come together on the answer to your question.
By the way, we’ve never had an issue with different last names in the family. And my son is Korean while the rest of us are white. It really isn’t a big deal in this day and age where you have women who kept their last name, foster kids, blended families…
If I let it be a big deal and threw a fit every time a teacher addressed me as Mrs. Kidslastname, I might feel differently. But I’m fine with people calling me that and if I have to do something legal, that is when I correct them.
Mama Zappa kept her maiden name for a while after we married. One great side affect - when someone called and ask if I were Mr. Zappa, I knew they were a telemarketer. Our friends and family all knew I was Mr. Knig, married to Ms. Zappa.
That was before caller ID was widely available, but anything that lets me cut off telemarketers is a good thing.
A friend of mine has her Batchelor’s degree in her maiden name, her Master’s in her married name, and her Doctorate in her second married name. Another source of confusion in life.
I have friends whose child has a really long double-barrelled surname (five syllables, 14 letters + hyphen, names from different languages that sound a bit awkward together). They’re fine with it, kid is fine with it, and again they all have the understanding that she can change it however she likes (one or the other, both, neither) when she’s an adult. Most of the problems were social rather than practical.
Broomstick, I feel your pain. I’ve had the same problem: I don’t care how many government forms use name X, that’s an abbreviation of my name that I’ve never used, and I’m not claiming it.
I say go right ahead and hyphenate but give the girls mom’s last name and the boys dad’s last name. Yes it will be confusing but as long as you are prepared to deal with it why not? Why don’t girls get to pass on their names? I am past the idea of changing names anyway.
Anyway things will only change if people change them. I think it’s not my problem if everyone is comfortable with a certain way and I want to do it differently, provided I am willing to take on the additional burden of explaining it.
Our Little One has middle name and last name [MyLastName] [HisLastName]. I’d like the next kid we have (if any) to have middle name and last name [HisLastName] [MyLastName], though that’ll be an uphill battle. We’ve never had any problems, but then again my last name is part of her name, so it would be pretty hard for someone to raise a stink, really. I do get called Mrs. [HisLastName] sometimes, but I don’t really care as long as they call me by my correct last name at work.
I did have to overcome my husband’s strong preference for a non-surname middle name; I had to give a bunch of examples of my friends with surname middle names before he agreed.
ETA: One of my friends did the combining-names thing, in such a way that it’s obvious that the names combined are hers and her husband’s.
No. I only know one couple where the wife kept her surname and the kids all have his last name. It works out just fine. I would recommend the kids all have the same last name, one way or the other. Mixing and matching surnames does not seem like a good idea. They’ll have to explain the whole episode every time someone asks about their siblings. Her (or your) surname as a middle name seems ok. I’m not fan of hyphenating, but it’s better than multiple surnames for the children.
Legally, in Québec, each spouse keeps their surname for all official purposes (I could have taken my husband’s last name socially, but all my identification/credit papers etc must remain in my name). There is no free name change with marriage - changing a spouse’s name would require the same process and fees that any random person would have to go through if he or she wanted to change their names.
It is common for kids to have hyphenated last names, or simply to take the father’s last name. Legally, kids of hyphenated people can only have two of the four names as theirs, so the hyphens don’t get too crazy.
Society hasn’t crumbled (though our overpasses are) and there aren’t many issues with parents and kids having different last names.
What we plan to do is have my surname as a middle name and give any kids we might have my husband’s last name, because my surname is kind of a name and his last name is way more awesome than mine.
Legally giving the kids both allows the kid to choose the one he or she wants to be known as when they grow up. My cousin used her father’s name in high school, but grew up to use her mother’s name professionally and she doesn’t have to deal with any paperwork over it as both names are hers.
My ex and I did it that way. now, many years later, my oldest is dropping <mysurname> for most purposes, because she likes the sound of it better. My youngest is commonly dropping both and going with <firstname><middlename>.
By the way, I’ve never had any problems with having a different name than my stepdaughter, at school or otherwise. I think most Americans are pretty used to all kinds of combinations of names and don’t give it a thought.
As a person of Irish heritage, with a last name starting with O’, I strongly recommend against hyphens, or any other punctuation marks. Too many computer systems can’t handle them. A hyphenated name will end up being squashed into one, or the first part treated as a middle name, causing all sorts of confusion. Not worth the trouble.