How do we choose the surname for our new baby?

Okay, here’s the question - rather simple, but hard to decide on the answer. My wife and I are expecting our first child in February, and we are feeling definitely confused about what to do about his/her surname. Both of us retain our original surnames, and we don’t want to have a compound name for the children to come, as our names don’t work too well together, and, well, it just seems unwieldy.

So, the options seem to be: flip a coin to choose one of our names, fight over it, or adopt a compound name on the birth certificate, and one of our names in general use. Or???

Anyone else faced this and come up with a good solution, or at least a good process to come to a solution?

This is, of course, a matter of opinion.

Off to IMHO.

Does it matter to either of you that your name carry on? Is this going to be your only child?

As a genealogist I’d say go with tradition and use the father’s surname, providing that is the tradition that was in your family before then.

When the baby is born, you name it while your wife is in recovery, problem solved. Then again, if you expect to have any more children with this lady, you had better name it whatever she tells you to (within reason…John or Jennifer Frumious-Bandersnatch is probably too much to burden a child with).

My SO has a different surname to me as she wanted to remain ‘her’ and not an extension of ‘me’.

We gave our two girls my surname based on the uniqueness of that name rather than hers which is a little more common. There was no other (real) reason. There was no way in hell we were going to hyphenate. Ack !

I’m Taurins, she is Weber.

We also decided that should the girls wish to change their names later we would not stand in their way. After all, it’s only a name. That goes for 1st and last.

If it matters, I am the last generation in my family that has kids. My brother doesn’t and I have no other sibling, so if my kids change their name, our name will go the way of the dodo when I die. On the other hand, the SO only has a brother who isn’t going to reproduce, so when she goes the dodo path, her name and lineage will also go.

Doe that help? No, I didn’t think so.

My circumstances are similar, in that we both retained our (ethnically diverse) surnames and hyphenation would result in a very long and discordant last name for our baby. Since we both like our names and would like to pass it on, a boy baby will get his name, a girl baby mine, and perhaps we will use the other’s surname as the middle name, or as an additional middle name. Hope this helps and congratulations.

Kids got my name as it is rare. Mr P changed his name by deed poll as an adult and there was no way I was going to see my kids use a name that even he admits was assumed casually and without much forethought. Plus the name he uses is loaded with previous ex-wife history.

Everyone assumes we are not married because the kids use my name. That doesn’t worry me at all and if it did, I guess I could wear my wedding ring ;).

Our process involved a fair amount of shouting but the bottom line was he had to find a way to convince me that it was emotionally OK for my kids to use that name. We didn’t want to hyphenate so eventually he had to give way gracefully.

I’d say give the kid Dad’s last name. No other reason except I’m a geneaologist and messing around with the kid’s surname will really be a pain in your great-great-great-granddaughter’s ass 150 years after the fact when she goes looking for you.

I had that dilemma when I was married. I was trying to convince my wife to keep her last name. Her answer was “what about the children?” I proposed “half the children will have her last name, half my last name”. I have never managed to convince anyone that it’s a good idea.

All the women I know (with one exception) who kept their maiden name after they were married changed their last name to the father’s name when the first child was born, and used the father’s last name as the child’s last name. This would be in Western European / USA societies.

Contrariwise, most of the women I know who kept their birth names after marriage kept 'em after the kids were born too. In those cases, I think all the children bear the father’s surname. (My SIL compromised on that one - the kid bears her husband’s surname, but all the pets are registered with hers.)

I only took my husband’s name because I wasn’t fond of my father or his name - on the other hand, I AM very fond of my maternal grandfather and his name (my mother’s maiden name) and I really wish I had taken that name at some point. THAT one I woulda kept.

I’m a child from that situation. I have a hyphenated last name, and I HATE it! Give your child the more unique of the two names, and allow them to change it if they wish.

Some friends of mine did hyphenate their kid’s name, but they put the father’s name first on the assumption that if he got bored with it he could just drop the ending and remain the same in records with minimal fuss.

Giving our own kids both our names would result in permanently damaged psyches, so we use dad’s, while I use both names, but unhyphenated–thus implying that my maiden name is my middle name, which it ain’t. I have four names, I guess?

The Sprout has my last name. Although it is unusual for a kid to get the mother’s last name, it’s not unheard of. My husband has also hyphenated his original last name with mine. I just kept mine un-hyphenated.

Why did we do it this way? My family is strong and close. His family is fractured and scattered. Realistically, the kid will end up being a lot closer to my family, and his name reflects that.

I kept my name, my husband kept his. Both kids are hyphenated. It hasn’t been a problem at all, except when someone’s database doesn’t take hyphens, and that’s easy to deal with.

But if you don’t want to hyphenate, and can’t think of any compelling reason to go with one name over the other, why not give boys one and girls the other, or even, as you say, flip a coin?

The kids have my last name, and my wife’s last name as their middle name.

This can be irritating, as my wife has to say “Yes, I AM the mother, I KNOW my name is different…”

My mother went back to her maiden name a few years after marrying my father, and when I was younger I got so tired of explaining that they weren’t divorced (in fact, their thirtieth anniversary is coming up this September) that I just started hyphenating. My legal last name (my father’s) is long and German, so adding a shorter, vaguely German name to the end of it wasn’t that big of a deal for me. End result: seventeen letters and a hyphen, and a lot of very confused people. :smiley:

It is simpler if the kids have their father’s name, since that’s what people expect – you’d think it wouldn’t be such a big deal these days, different surnames and all, but my parents have run into trouble here and there. For example, they recently cancelled their Sears account because they’ve been trying for over ten years to get them to put my mother’s maiden name on her card, and they refused. Practically brings back the days when a woman couldn’t get a credit card without her husband.

On the other hand, you might just go for whichever one sounds best with the kid’s other names.

I generally think it’s easier if kids and their mothers have the same last name but I really mean that in a divorce or single parent situation. Meaning that divorcing mothers shouldn’t change their last name away from their children’s last name just because of divorce…and single mothers (from the get go) should give their children their last name.

I think in a nuclear family it’s probably best if the kid (and mother, unless there is some professional reason for the mother to keep her maiden name) has the father’s last name.

Therefore, I say don’t hyphenate. Give the kids your last name and their mother’s surname as a middle name. Hell, throw a regular middle name in there too but don’t hyphenate.

The reason against hyphenation? Database field length. Every name is entered into computers everywhere. Pharmacies, schools, credit cards, mailing lists, passports, etc. Say a database field is limited to oh…10 characters. Your last name is Andura, hers is Dykstra. Your kid will forever be getting mail addressed to Susie Andura-Dyk.

Okay, that’s obviously NOT going to happen but why make things difficult for your kid? You wouldn’t give give them a first name that other kids could make fun of so why would you give them a last name that they can’t spell until they’re seven?

I didn’t take epeepunk’s last name (the combo made us both laugh - it sounded like a name for an airhead). Our kids use his last name, because I have my step-dad’s last name, and epeepunk has a stronger attachment to his family name (not that he cares all that much, just more than me).

If one of you cares more, or would lose a lineage name, go ahead and go for that name. If not, there’s nothing technically wrong with using one name for the girls, the other for the boys. The kids will think it is normal, but be prepared for teachers to not know your kids are related, and for them to be asked if they are step- or half-siblings forever. I often get those questions, as my brother has our dad’s name, and I have our step-dad’s name, and my half-brother also has my step-dad (his dad)'s name. People tend to assume that my full brother is my half brother, and my half brother is my full brother. Confusing? Not for us, but definitely for school, records of various sorts, and others.

As for the genealogy, weird stuff has always happened, and always will - don’t let it drive the decision entirely. Yes, it will be a pain to find people, but it is, now, too. Epeepunk has an ancestor who married and had a son named thomas, married again and had another son named thomas. Weird sh*t makes for interesting stories, even if they are a pain to track down. I’ll remember Thomas the Elder and Thomas the Younger, but I can’t for the life of me remember the next person down the line.

I was in a similar situation, I had kept my “maiden” name, which was very difficult-to-spell and hard-to-pronounce; his was simpler and more easily remembered. So we gave the child the husband’s last name. Personally, I think you should choose whatever sounds best.

Be prepared for having to explain to various people (doctor’s receptionists, strangers, etc.) that you ARE in fact the child’s parent, even though your last names are different. I got so sick of it that I eventually changed my last name.

If it’s a boy, he gets your surname. If it’s a girl, she gets your wife’s.

Same goes for any more kids you might have.