My first ever Chick tract!

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I’m so happy – something I’d only ever read about here on the SDMB is MADE FLESH! in my hands. Well, on the train seat next to me, at any rate. As I got on the DLR I noticed little booklets carefully arranged on several of the seats, with the legend “BAD BOB” on the front, and a picture of some beardie biker dude with a Confederate flag. Assuming it to be some kind of advert, I picked one up. Hmm, a cartoon. But wait, this seems oddly familiar. Turn to the back page and: CHICK PUBLICATIONS! Oh boy! Let’s get reading.

Turns out old Bad Beardie Bob was a baby once. He screamed and refused to eat his food like mummy asked. Yup, clearly devil spawn right there. Bobby floods the house with a garden hose (?) and so momma hauls him off to a Child Guidance Counsellor. But – wouldntcha know it? – the counsellor is a LOONIE LEFTIE who says that spanking li’l Robert would “destroy his creativity”.

Oh dear. That just seals Bob’s fate and next thing you know, he’s assaulting waitresses and hawking “acid, smack, dust, coke, speed and black beauties”. This dude has big pockets. Bob does a deal with his cousin outside Tooties Bar in Hicksville. But they get busted by a narc (that’s short for narcotics officer, as a helpful asterisked footnote explains) and sent to the cooler. For larks, the prison officers throw a seven-stone bible-clutching weakling in a JESUS T-SHIRT in with the two dealers. How they must have been laughing about that one as the kid gets his comeuppance!

But wait, the prison officer is a Christian too (that’s why he sent that kid in for an ass-raping with two drug dealers, obviously) and gives Bob and his cuz a bit of the Jack Chick treatment. And that night, in a surprisingly rapid demonstration of the ineffable will of God, the jail catches fire! The prison officer rescues Bob in the nick of time (nick, ha – but sadly JC didn’t pick up on that joke) but it’s too late for his cousin – who, prison dude helpfully points in BOLD TYPE, “will be in flames like that forever and ever!”

There’s an easy way out, though. Despite Bob being an all-round Bad Egg, all he has to do is REPENT, and he will be spared the LAKE OF FIRE. Ol’ Bob isn’t the sharpest knife in the block, and has to have that tricky long six-letter word explained to him, but he soon gets it and starts praying with his bandaged hands clasped to his head. Bob is saved. His friends, meanwhile, will “hafta go find a new dealer”. For shame, Bob – deserting your friends like that!

So, consider me enlightened to the ways of the Chick. Sure, I now realise I’ll be spending eternity in a lake of hell fire (because even though Bob was an evil thug, crook and drug dealer, while I am none of those things, I deserve to go to hell while he ascends to heaven) but at least I got a chuckle on my train ride.

2

What a coincidence. I found a chick tract in my office mail box yesterday. I knew exactly who put it there and he had quite a laugh when I threw it back at him. He found it at the post office and thought that I might appreciate it.

So we have both been officially “Chicked.”

3

I see there’s a handy space on the back cover saying "Compliments of: ".

Now what shall I fill in there, and where shall I leave it?

4

Leaving someone a Chick Tract is pretty damn uncomplimentary. It’s a way of saying, “I think you are a BAD PERSON. You SUCK. Here’s how to fix your obviously sinful ways.” So the best idea might be to leave it blank or put in the name of someone you’d like to see get in trouble.

5

Hmm, you could say it’s from George Bush. Or, more appropriate to your location, Tony Blair or Maggie Thatcher. Or Satan - who knows? Maybe he’s repented, too! “Compliments of: A Self-Righteous Prick” would be appropriate as well. I recommend leaving it on the doorstep of the nearest Unitarian Church. They have a good sense of humor, those Unitarians.

6

I like your thinking. Some unsuspecting Tube traveller should get a laugh this evening.

7

“Hawking black beauties?”

There’s a joke in here somewhere about the horse, but I’ll be darned if I can find it.

8

I never get Chicked. My life is incomplete.

9

Are you in Chicago? I got Chicked (in Spanish) on the Brown Line one time.

10

I was chicked in a hospital bathroom once.

11

B’nai B’rith International. Just to play with the recipient’s head.

12

Cthulhu, of course!

13

Colophon, I loved your Bad Beardie Bob synopsis! You write purty!

I got Chicked at a bus stop about two years ago. Don’t remember the title but it was the first one I’d seen in the flesh since I was a kid, which means it’s probably been over three decades. I guess the sinners in our area just aren’t worth the time it takes to litter up a public spot more often than that. Lake o’ Fire, here we come!

14

Actually, on closer study, and to my disappointment, the prison guard didn’t actually send Bible Boy into the cell. BB was taunting Bob and his cousin from outside the locked door, but Bob made a grab for him through the bars. Shame.

15

That’s probably the problem–I usually ride Metra, and the Chickings there are pretty lean.

Have you been Chicked yet in Bulgaria?

16

Ha, no. I don’t think Chick Tracts come in Bulgarian.

17

I’ve never been Chicked in Montreal. I’ve sat on many a “JESUS loves you so stand up and BE SAVED” pamphlet on the bus, but never a real Chickie. Maybe I’m just too deep into my evil ways and a Chick Tract couldn’t save me?

18

“This Was Your Life” does. I dare you to use it with its English counterpart as a teaching tool!

19

We used to collect Chick tracts as teens back in the seventies. They were fun to giggle over while smoking, uh, harmless tobacco. The internet’s kinda taken the thrill out of it for me, at least.

I saw a whole tribe of kids passing tracts out in New York once. They were dressed identically in white shirts and pastel slacks (boys) or skirts (girls), all under the gaze of a creepy [del]cult leader[/del] youth pastor.

20

Yeah, right, and get kicked out of the Peace Corps? Gee, and it was so tempting a thought, too.