My friend is killing herself over some guy

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Fuck.

Sometimes I HATE being the rock. The one that everyone turns to with their problems. Because sometimes, I’m powerless.

Here’s the deal:

Most of y’all have heard me talk about my friend Rebecca, and on more than one occasion. Most of y’all are familiar with the situation she had with Jonathan.

For those who haven’t, let me recap.

She dated a guy named Jonathan, for a period, off and on, of a few months. It was never an official thing. They slept together a few times, and then they just kinda went their own ways.

Fast forward a few months. They’ve still hung out, and talked, but not as a couple. But, whenever they’re alone, they go at it like crazed weasels. As opposed to regular weasels, who only hump with the aid of porn.

She’s said, several times at this point, that he could be THE guy.

Then, he stops wanting anything to do with her. Tells her that he doesn’t love her, doesn’t even LIKE her. That he was NEVER physically attracted to her. And that he never wants to talk to her again. Stops answering her emails, stops taking her calls, etc.

Now, she tells me that one of the things that he told her is that he doesn’t date women who weigh more than he does.

She doesn’t. He’s a scrawny thing at about 170. She weighs less than that. She MAY have a few extra pounds, but not many. I think she looks great. I see nothing wrong with the way she looks.

However, since she’s STILL hung up on this guy, she’s started the occasional purging, or taking laxitives, to try to get rid of any food that she eats. When she bothers to eat at all, that is. She starves herself sometimes, too.

She’s confided in me about this, and has tried to assure me that it doesn’t happen every day. Not that that makes it any better. Or any less damaging.

She has had her self-image completely destroyed by this guy. She’s convinced that she’s not good enough for anyone, and that she’s this huge, fat slob that’ll never be able to find someone better than THIS guy.

And all I can do is try to reassure her that this guy’s a dick who’s not worth her time. But she was in love with him.

And I can’t counteract that.

2

Oh, man, this is bad. I had a friend who did similar crazy stuff to try to get a guy who didn’t want her and yet used her. Her self-esteem was non-existent. I imagine that’s what’s going on with your friend.

She should really talk to a counselor or therapist. Maybe you could talk her into it and help her find one? If she’s talking to you about what she’s doing, my guess is that it’s a cry for help.

3

She doesn’t believe in counseling/therapy. She doesn’t believe in psychiatry, psychology, or anything like that. I’ve tried.

4

Find someone she does respect, someone she listens to. This is a seriously, seriously fucked up situation. This can truly screw up her health.

But in the final analysis, she is an adult. She makes her own choices, and there is only so much you can do. This idiot is not making her do anything; she is choosing to screw up her health because he is acting like a dickhead. Do what you can, because she is your friend, but don’t take her choices on yourself, either.

5

Why doesn’t she believe in it? I’ve run into that attitude in my family, and the reasons for it were 1) fear of being labeled “crazy”, and 2) not understanding what therapists do. If those are her reasons, you can probably gently talk her into going.

I don’t see what you can do for her except try to talk her out of these self-destructive habits…which usually doesn’t work very well. I know, I’ve tried with a friend in a similar situation. If she won’t agree to talk to a professional, she’s probably going to have to ride it out herself…and face the consequences.

Possible compromise: does she have a regular doctor she likes? If you could convince her to go talk to him/her, they might be able to help.

6

Seeing that the common sense approaches offered haven’t had much impact, try the adverse.

Her purging is being interpreted by everyone as a call for help. As an outsider, I see her lame excuse of 'not believing in counseling, therapy, et al" as a barricade to common sense and her purging as thinly veiled call for attention. She got dumped and is playing the victim role - a surefire way of having others focus on her. It doesn’t mean she’s necessarilly manipulative by nature - it could be something she’s unconscionably doing as a defense mechanism.

If you suspect that her actions are a call for attention is a possibilty, and provided she’s not clinically suicidal, I recommend you play up to her self-doubt - only exaggerate it. Tell her she is huge and undesirable. Agree with every negative thing she says - even elaborate on it. Tell her how wonderful her ex-boyfriend was.

After a couple of days, she’ll come around to see how desperate & childish she’s behaving.

7

I wouldn’t do what JohnBckWLD said. No offense man. You really need to get her to a doctor, or a certified therapist. Try slowly coaxing her. Be persistent but not demanding. Tell her to do it for you. Believe me, it’s the only way to treat her disease.

8

Please tell me you’re kidding.

9

No offense, JohnBckWLD, but I can see myself Pitting you when I have a little more time tonight.

10

When I was in my early 20’s I had a guy I was absolutely mad about dump me VERY suddenly. I went into a seriously deep depression and nearly killed myself. Then I had to deal with the repercussions of all that for a lot of years.

Sometimes I wish I could go back in time and just shake my younger self. I’d tell her “Yes, this sucks, and it hurts worse than anything you’ve ever experienced. But this is what you do: you go ahead and grieve, but remember that if you hang on, IT GETS EASIER. I know you don’t believe it because you haven’t lived through it yet, but it’s true. In the meantime, let go of bad people, walk away from toxic situations, do what you need to do to FEEL GOOD about yourself, and just to feel good, period. But most of all, hold on, and DON’T hurt yourself in the short term, because you’ll regret it later.”

I didn’t have any friends that could tell me that at the time. I’m not 100% sure I would have believed it, but maybe I would have.

Good luck to your friend. She needs to walk away from this guy and walk into the future of her life. It’s hard now, but IT WILL GET BETTER. Just hang on.

Best wishes to her, and to you, her friend.

11

My cousin is a tiny thing I could pick her up with one hand. She does the binge and purge thing.

About a month ago her back teeth fell out b/c her stomach acid ate the enamel away.

She still denies what she does to everyone and refuses to get help. Just remember if you can’t help your friend that it’s not your fault. This is a sickness you don’t have the tools to cure.

12

Seriously, I think you need to shut the hell up and think very carefully before you give advice ever again. You are on the track to cause immeasurable damage.

13

Her reaction to being dumped by this guy is extreme. And the statement about her self image being destroyed by the guy is out of line.

The guy was a jerk, and she deserved better. The fact that she can’t see that, blames herself, and has allowed herself to become this disturbed and self dsetructive over the breakup is a huge warning sign that something else is going on with her.

She needs counseling a soon as posible. Not only for the break up, but how she views herself, relationships, and life.

14

While JohnBuckWLD may have a valid viewpoint on your friends reaction (a “look at me/pity me” mindset that she might not be exactly concious of), there’s a much bigger chance that she really is determined to self-destruct. I’d say that even if she is only trying to gain attention that you should treat this as the real deal. Taking John’s advice on how to handle this, even if he’s right, will probably lead to an end to your friendship with this woman.

Would she consider going to a counselor/therapist if you offered to go with her? At least convince her to give it a shot. She doesn’t have to go back if she decides it’s not for her.

If she constantly refuses your’s or anybody else’s help, you may just have to back off and let her spiral down (and it’s tough to hold back when a friend is that bad off). She may come out of it, she may not. Be there for her if/when she starts to bounce back, and don’t be judgemental.

15

No, you can’t, and that’s the essence of it. She’s in the grip of an obsession that has nothing to do with reality. Her unique fracture points prevent her from seeing herself, the guy or the world in any true way.
This will sound harsh, but you can’t–can NOT–force her to do otherwise. She isn’t listening reasonably; anything you say will be filtered through her narrow viewpoint.
It’s not like there’s no hope, but she has to take that first step. Sledge hammer tactics may work. Gather other concerned friends and try an intervention. She’ll either respond on some level—or she won’t.
If it doesn’t work, step back to a distance. You tried. She may need to play out the mess further.
You didn’t cause it, you can’t cure it and you can’t save her from herself, Superdude.

Veb

16

Oh, JohnBckWld, please take a look here.

17

I’ve done some crazy things to keep a guy who cheated on me for an entire year. He had a “playa” state of mind and was more charming than Satan. I saw signs but was so deep down the river of De Nile, I just kept paddling without trusting in myself. I hope somehow she gets to see this asshole for what he is. There’s not much you can do but try and be there for her when she ends up in the river. Good luck in this situation, it won’t be easy.