So, I have an online friend. She is having a breakdown of some kind at the moment. I really have no idea what it is, because she hasn’t posted any details. I know it’s happening because she has posted a couple of vague tweets about how miserable she is and and how she can’t stop crying. She has posted a couple of posts to her blog that are along those lines as well.
I have commented on her blog and sent her a couple of tweets saying that I hope things improve for her, but I don’t know what else to do. I don’t think there’s anything I can do. Since she hasn’t provided any detail about what is wrong, it’s not like I can give any advice.
Anyway, in the past hour, she has twice now posted really passive aggressive tweets and then immediately deleted them - and that’s just what I’ve seen because I happened to be looking at twitter at the right moment. They were both along the lines of “I can see how much I mean to you all, no one cares that I’ve been crying for the past three days straight”. That sort of thing.
I am sympathetic to her, but I do not enjoy being guilt tripped, and I am on the verge of sending her a note to just stfu. What does she want, to go onto twitter and see a shitload of tweets agonizing about how everyone is worried about her? We don’t even know what’s going on! How the hell am I supposed to know you’ve been crying for three days straight, you’ve disappeared from the internet and only reappear to complain about how no one cares about you? It’s all very drama queen-ish, which is not behavior I enjoy.
I’d seriously be ready to write her off as a friend except that we co-mod an online community and we need to have lines of communication open.
What should I do, Dopers? Ignore her, send her a thousand tweets about how I can’t survive without her in my life, tell her to knock it off with the passive aggression, etc.? I am not known for either my patience or my tact, and sometimes I need a hand in situations that call for one or both.
She wants someone to start asking probing questions so she can finally talk to someone about whatever the hell is bothering her. Definitely ignore it. If she finally mentions what’s bothering her then offer sympathy. Basically, it’s a disfunctional way of attention-whoring.
Alternately, she could be having a passive-aggressive arguement with someone else. I’ve seen people (ok, kids) do that with their facebook statuses, it’s highly annoying.
Probably not the best reaction, but you know the marine drill seargent ad? When people get into that whinging passive aggressive shit for no particular good reason I always get the irrational desire to smack some sense into them and give them a come to jesus talk about their bullshit … too many pwecious snowflake idiots around, and I have little patience for drama queens.
You could always send her a note along the lines of ‘Hey, I can tell something is up with you based on your tweets, but you’re not actually saying what the problem is. If you’d like to talk about your problem, I’d be happy to listen and offer some support. It’s just a bit hard to provide support to you when I don’t actually know what is wrong.’
I did finally send her a note along these lines. Since it was a direct message on twitter, I had to keep it under 140 characters, but it was something like “what’s going on? Is there anything I can do?”
She hasn’t responded. Probably because she knows there IS nothing I can do. If she were just venting, I’d be a lot more sympathetic. Everyone needs to rant now and then. But this isn’t ranting, it’s whining because no one is paying attention to her angst.
I’ve had friends who do that and I just get firm but kind with them. Something like, “I understand feeling alone and like nobody cares, but remember that I care and x,y, and z do (you can see who else responded to her on twitter, correct?), too. All that does count for something. Let us know what’s going on whenever you’re ready and we’ll do what we can to help.”
I wouldn’t call that an irrational reaction. I think most of us have times when we wish we could stay stuff like that.
Thank goodness that most people grow out of this attention-seeking behavior as teenagers.
If she doesn’t respond to this Kyla, I would either ignore her - or keep off Twitter altogether until after Xmas (easy for me to say since I don’t like Twitter.)
In my somewhat cynical experience, people do this because they want attention and sympathy for the terrible crisis they are going through, but they don’t want to post details about the crisis because either 1) people would recognize that it’s really not that big of a deal after all, or 2) people will try to offer useful advice, and they don’t WANT useful advice, they want attention and sympathy, goddammit.
I’ve removed a few people from Facebook who do this sort of thing continually, although I understand in your situation why you can’t just do that. Still, I sympathize. This behavior is obnoxious.
Agreed. I have very little contact with a friend (?) these days because, at age 46, she still whines like a small child about everything that goes wrong in her life (generally her own doing) but doesn’t want to fix the things that she could and wants nothing but sympathy from anyone who will listen.
It’s a good thing she’s not on FB.
So you’re not actually a REAL friend who might ring or visit and check out what is going on? and then … I dunno … follow up again? vs. a tweet!
When people are going through a crisis they aren’t often able to verbalise what is wrong because it hurts so much … so I’m surprised at all the posters above who are condeming this as ‘passive aggresive’. Nor is it a great idea to actually go into detail about your issues on twitter!! Totally understandable that the OP doesn’t know what is going on if their source of contact with the person is through twitter etc but that doesn’t dismiss that there could be something seriously wrong.
Probably best to leave this acquaintance alone and hope they have some proper friends.
where to start.
-The world doesn’t revolve around you.
-She’s not asking for a solution.
-The word “friend” implies someone willing to listen when someone wants to talk.
-Crying 3 days straight could mean many things but all of them involve emotional pain.
If she’s actually a friend then she wants a shoulder to cry and a little sympathy. If she’s not a friend then why the heck are you tweeting with her in the first place?
The very first thing he says in his OP is that he’s got “an online friend”. Are you suggesting he look up this stranger’s phone number and home address so that he can call her and visit her in an attempt to get her to quit her passive aggressive bitching (and that’s what it is)?
Lifting weights, playing XBox, watching it snow, or drinking beer would all be better uses of your time than getting involved in this Excercise in Neediness.
The “no one cares about me” tweets are passive-aggressive - people have been asking what’s wrong and posting supportive stuff, including Kyla. So if you’re in that black of a mood and believe in your heart that they really don’t care even if they are posting stuff, then that’s a matter for a hidden blog post rather than a tweet - or, frankly, for bringing up with your therapist. Telling the world that people don’t care when they’re trying to show that they are is a bitchy move.
And speaking as someone who’s dealt with severe episodes of Major Depressive Disorder before, this kind of stunt is bullshit. Going ‘wah wah my life is pain’ all over your social media but refusing to actually communicate when people try to draw you out is full of Drama Queendom.