My girlfriends mother...

Alright, this isn’t so much a rant about one specific event, as much as a collection of events that have happened over time. My girlfriend’s parents (mostly the mother) are absolutely terrible parents… most teenagers say this, but for hers… i’m rather sure not all of their behavior has been legal, and a lot fo the rest is pretty bad. First, as a background, the family consists of my girlfriend (18 years old), her two sisters, (16, and 9), her mother, and her father (who divorced her mother, and has remarried). The middle sister is also bipolar. Now, as for the rant parts, some things she has done:
First, her mothers work situation… she has been on disability for 6 years for crippling headaches… as far as we can tell, she hasn’t actually had one for a few years, but stays on disability (and they used to be really obvious, like can’t tolerate anyone moving around the house at all, unable to walk, etc…), has tried to convince someone else to leave their job to go on disability, and if she is asked about why shes not working, simple says “You wouldn’t understand”, and gets very angry.
Semi-related to the above, the family was moving, and my girlfriend brought up the disability thing… she was told to go live with her dad. Doesn’t sound so bad written here, but a parent telling their daughter to go live with the other parent (who my gf didn’t really talk to) and meaning it…
She did go to her dads house, and because she refused to drive somewhere when she was really tired and the weather was bad. She as much as told him she would get in an accident, and he didn’t care, he kicked her out and sent her back to her mother.
Her mother would get mad at my GF because her little sister would run to her instead of her mother, and tell my GF that she wasn’t the mother… and then another day tell my GF to handle her daughter, because she couldn’t.
Her mother forcing/tricking her to family counselors (who thought she was coming of her own choice) and lying to the counselor about things she’d said or done.
There was a tack outside my GFs door, and she left it there, saying to the middle daughter “maybe she’ll step on it”.
She frequently yelled at my GF about how useless she was, and how terrible a child she was.
She felt that since she was a grown woman, swearing at the 9 year old was ok.
Related to that, because of this, the 9 year old would always go to my GF for help. See above about what the mother thought of this.
She yelled at my GF for not respecting her, my GF told her she didn’t deserve respect, and she said that children should always respect their parents. my GF asked her “What if a parent kills someone and goes to jail, should the child still respect them?” and she responded “yes”.
She once locked the 9 year old outside, and refused to let my GF let her in. The reason she did this was because the 9 year old was upset, because the mother made her miss her Girl Scout meeting, because the mother was busy doing her makeup (My GF did eventually manage to let her in).
The mother greatly favors the middle child, and when asked about it, she says she has to do this because of the daughter’s bipolar. When asked to explain how the two are connected, she says we wouldn’t understand, and it has to be this way. The middle child is extremely dependent on her, calling several times a day from school, and running for help at the slightest problem. The mother would like my GF to be like this too…
Birthdays… My GF for her birthday, got to clean the house all day, and she picked the 9 year olds party theme (which the 9 year old said she did not want, but the mother had already bought everything, so she didn’t have a choice). As for the middle child… her father gave her a limo ride to the Cheesecake Factory, dinner with ther family (this is seperate occasion), and from her mother, she got to skip school for breakfast out and a movie. My GF called to ask her mother something that day, and the mother said she couldn’t talk because it was the middle girl’s birthday.
She’s asked her mother for money to help pay for a car to get a job. Her mother has had two responses to this. One is that the mother will help my GF with money once she gets on her feet (and my GF’s supposed to do this without money…?) and that she spent her money backwards, she should have gotten a job first, then bought a car (noting that we live in a town where it is practically impossible to get a job without a car.)

Bleh… i hate her mother so much… and she may have to go back there, because due to lack of financial help, she has no where to go and has been unable to make progress towards finding anywhere to live, since she hasn’t been able to get a job to earn money…

I’m sorry.

Some people are bad parents, some adults are dysfunctional. You’d like to think that the person who’s raising you has some sense, but sometimes they don’t. Children are often absolutely correct in their assessment of their parents’ failings and mistakes. Just because someone’s an adult and a parent doesn’t make them right.

From your description of the situation, I think your conclusions make a lot of sense - this woman has a sick relationship with her middle daughter, and her two other children are being neglected. Actually, your GF has been verbally abused - telling her she’s a bad child is not OK. Your GF and her younger sister haven’t done anything to deserve this.

Has your girlfriend managed to get good grades? Has she finished high school? Does she want to go to college?

The good thing about coming from a troubled family is that it makes a person stronger. Your GF may not be completely self-sufficient, but she’s shown a lot of resilience. The whole world is not as mean as her mother; she can succeed elsewhere, even though there was no “winning” at home. That’s something people struggle to realize, because our home feels like it IS the world, but it’s not.

Do you live in a city with public transportation? Could your GF use that to get to work? Could she find a job where transportation isn’t an issue, such as being a live-in caretaker? Could a school counsellor help her get started? What about a social service agency, a group that operates homeless shelters - perhaps one of them could help her find an opportunity?

Getting started on her own will take a lot of effort, but she can do it, that’s one of the great things about being 18.

She would be wise to accept that her mother has problems and isn’t going to help her; trying to change her mom will never work. It never does. But the good news is, she can take the energy she’s been directing towards trying to please her mother and spend it on herself, on making her life something she wants.

You sound like a really loving boyfriend, I imagine she’s lucky to have you in her life. In addition to wishing you well, I wish you caution; be very, very careful and don’t start a family until she’s had many years to heal from this poisonous upbringing. People who don’t take that time are likely to repeat their parents’ mistakes with their own children.

Double-space is your friend. I tried really hard to read the OP but it was making me cross-eyed.

Really, the only requirement for parenthood is that at some point, you once had sex. After that, most of the human race takes it fairly seriously, but there are a few complete and utter buttheads out there.

Unfortunately for your girlfriend, her mother is one of them. And her father as well.

Your girlfriend could use another set of grownups in her life to mentor her and show her what adult behavior is supposed to be like. Maybe your parents. Maybe an aunt and uncle. Maybe a teacher. Maybe an older lady from work. Who knows.

Of course, if you girlfriend really wants to stick it to her mother, she could report her for disability fraud…

First of all, your girlfriend’s mother AND father deserve to be pitted. Sounds like they created three children without possessing the maturity to be parents. It also sounds like her mother is mentally imbalanced.

I’m assuming your GF has a high school diploma. If she doesn’t, then she has to get a GED. This is imperative as she will NEVER be able to get a decent job without one. Next step is for her to either go to college or learn a trade that will allow her to support herself. Her mother is NOT going to help her. (How can a woman with no job help ANYONE?) If she doesn’t know how to fill out financial aid form to attend college, then have her go to the local university and ask for help.

18 is a critical age in a young person’s life. You are literally making choices that will affect the rest of your life. Right now, the best thing she can do for herself is to do whatever it takes to ensure her financial viability. She will have no independence from this woman without it.

Her mother won’t buy her a car? Gosh, my parents wouldn’t buy me one, either. So I found a job that I could walk to and then bought a junker when I could afford it. If you have a car, then maybe she can find a job close to yours so that you can ride together.

Your GF’s mother is a lost cause. Your GF is not. If you love her, then you will help guide her towards making good choices for her future.

Contrapuntal: sorry about that, this is my first post on the board over a short paragraph…

Fessie: She has her diploma, but is not interested in college, she wants to go to trade school, when she gets the money for it.

PunditLisa: The problem with the not having a car is that there is nothing in walking distance. The closest business is about 2 miles away, and thats just a village store… to get to anything relatively major, it’s a 15-20 minute drive. As for getting a ride with someone else, i’m in college, as are all her friends, so she can’t do that either.

Sounds like your girlfriend needs to get out of there. Bad parents really can’t be changed. They are a problem best outlived. I know it’s not the best solution, but maybe the gf could just pack up and move to a city where she wouldn’t NEED a car to hold a job, or live with relatives, etc. Best of luck, in any case. My own mother went nutso on me in my late teens, and it took me YEARS to really get out on my own, and that was with my brother helping me.

A bicycle? Asking around neighbours or on Craigslist for people who drive to work every day, if she can drive with them and find a job near their workplace? A small loan from anybody you know? She’d only need the downpayment on a cheap used car, how much can that be?

Your GF’s mom appears to have made a career out of playing the victim, and she gets anything she wants from playing that role. Your GF might be infected with that life-script as well. When she is around her mom, she is forced to be the helper, but when she is alone or with you, she might resort to that familiar script and act more helpless than is good for her.

Then she needs to move to a place where she can walk to work. If she attends a local trade college, she can live in the dorm and everything, including food, could be covered by a student loan or (better yet) a grant. They also have work/study programs which will allow her to work and go to school.

Quit feeling sorry for her because that is not empowering her to do anything. She needs to start taking some concrete steps to improve her situation.