(Don’t know how I could’ve missed that! So nice to have people who care enough to point it out, repeatedly!)
I have just returned from hell, which looks an awful lot like my home town in MA. Haven’t been back in almost three years. Haven’t seen siblings (and their respective families) in five years. The experience was even more fantastic than I had imagined it would be. As a result, I have a few things to say.
Thank you ever so much to my sister, who was first in line to offer me much-needed diet advice. Never mind the fact that after college someone pulled your ripcord and you’ve only recently lost all the pregnancy weight you’ve been carrying around for the past, oh, ten years. It was nice of you to wait a whole sixteen hours into my visit before bringing it up. You may want to take me up on the advice to get a kidney function test done, though. That diet you’re on isn’t really meant for long-term use, and even I in my obviously biased view (cause you know, I’m jealous of how much weight you’ve lost) can tell you’ve got physical signs of early-stage internal organ damage.
Thank you to my mom, whose skills in martyrdom and denial should bring in some kind of psychiatric award soon. I can’t tell you how much I appreciated being watched like a hawk for the past five days. No, I don’t eat during the day. Yes, I actually do have a degenerative muscular disorder that makes my life a living hell most of the time. Yes, I do carry around a ridiculous amount of medications, and yes they ARE all necessary. No, I’m not going to stop taking the medication to see if that makes things better. Do you see me functioning? Then don’t complain. NO, I said I DON’T eat during the day. Just one meal, in the evening, thank you, unless you want to see me vomit. Gee, no, I don’t know how I can eat so little and still be so fat, but thanks for asking. No, I won’t stay an extra few days so I can see my former pediatrician and talk to him about this illness. I can guarantee you that he’s not going to be any better than the so-called quack doctors I have here at home, and at least my doctors have seen people past the age of puberty. No, my weight has nothing to do with my health problems, and I can honestly say that just because my sister lost all that weight and gained so much more energy doesn’t mean it’ll work for me. Oh, and thanks for constantly forcing me to spend ‘alone time’ with your mother, who is well into the middle stages of Alzheimers. She had no clue who the hell I was, and I was scaring the hell out of her, which only made us both feel badly. No, showing her pictures of me when I was a kid doesn’t help. Reminding her that you have FOUR kids, not three, doesn’t help. And no, just because she told you I smoked in front of her doesn’t mean it’s true, so don’t accuse me of it. Do you realize that this woman is crazy as bat shit?? Of course, even she managed to throw in a dig at my weight. Guess she isn’t as out of it as we thought.
Thank you to my oldest sister, who decided to sneak around behind my back and give Mr. Bobkitty hell for ‘allowing me’ to set up meetings IRL with people I’ve met over the 'net. I WILL be going to the conference in September, whether you like it or not. I had a BANG-UP time in Alabama, and I’ll happily do it again. In the future, please don’t antagonize Mr. Bobkitty. He gets very very pissy very quickly, and I’m not going to stop him from telling you exactly what he thinks of you. Learn the warning signs: when he says “What part of fuck no do you not understand?” it’s time to back off. And those pictures you wanted of nana with all the great-grandkids? The word is DEAD, hon. She’s going to be DEAD soon. If you’re going to be offering up excuses as to why mom can’t have a picture of herself with all the kids, then you’re going to have to just come out and say it. “Nana will be DEAD soon, so this is probably the last time we’ll get a professional picture with her and the kids.” Doesn’t that feel better? Oh, and don’t think I didn’t hear you talking to Mom about me, you hypocritical Andersonville victim bitch.
Thank you to my father, who provided the only stability during this entire visit. It’s so comforting to know that no matter how much time passes, some things never change. So for all the times you saw fit to point out that men and women aren’t equal, that on the whole people aren’t equal at all and you’re up at the top of the superiority ladder, for decrying the evils of homosexuality, foreigners, minorities, non-Catholics, Democrats, and everyone-who-isn’t-you, for swilling that pisswater ‘beer’ from 1pm to 1am every day, and for baiting Mr. Bobkitty into raucous discussing about the Civil War, I just want you to know your efforts were most appreciated.
Oh, dear brother… did you think I’d forget you? Mr. Peacemaker of the family, who abandoned his post in grand style by threatening to strangle our sister. All I have to say to you is this: If you’re going to stay with that Cajun Queen shrew bitch of a wife of yours, that’s your business. But I strongly recommend that in the future you keep her doing what she does best- laying on her back and breeding- and leave the psychoanalysis to the professionals. Shove something in her mouth if you have to. But be careful she doesn’t bite down. Oh wait, she’s already effectively taken care of that, hasn’t she? I hope that damn thing is so good it snaps, big bro, 'cause that’s the only redeeming thing I can think of that keeps you around.
Well, now that I’ve shown my appreciation, I think it’s best to suggest at this time that it be at least another 5-10 years before we do this again. Maybe by then I’ll make the family proud by losing all this weight… cause you know, being the fat one pretty much sucks all the joy out of life.
sigh
-BK
