My grandmother just died

Got the call from my mother about one minute ago.

She was badly broken up, as can be expected.

I loved my Grandmother. She was always interested in me - not just in having me there. Even when I was only six or seven years old she would take me out to dinner and listen for hours while I babbled about the minutiae of a young child’s life.

As for her - she had a hard life. She was diagnosed with Retinitis Pigmentosa fairly young. She was never allowed a driver’s license. She basically began to go blind at 18 - it was probably complete by the time she was 60.

She married an abusive alcoholic. I don’t know much about him. To this day, my mother will not speak of him. I was probably seven years old before I asked her, “hey, mom? Do you have a dad?” She wouldn’t answer. In my entire life (and I’m 28) I’ve seen one photo of my grandfather. Never met him, don’t even know his name. Nobody in the family will speak of him.

She divorced him before I was born. I don’t know if and when he died. The abuse he wrought on them is manisfested in my mother and aunts - my grandmother had three daughters. One has been in and out of prison, one lives in squalor with four children by four different fathers. My mother was very lucky to meet and marry my father, who I think helped her deal with the demons of her past.

All have suffered from depression. Only my mother has managed to scrape together a normal life. I’m very grateful to her - my brother and I have wonderful parents. Despite her terrible past, my mother has been loving and kind to me and my brother for all our lives.

In her later years, grandma (we called her “Tutu”) began to decline. She came to live with us when I was in my early teens. At first it was wonderful - grandma lives here with us! Later, it began to get bad. Grandma began to suffer from dementia. On top of the previous neuroses (most brought about from abuse) it got nearly intolerable.

She couldn’t see. She couldn’t take care of herself. I had moved out a few years past, but I heard through my father that my mother basically spent twenty-four hours a day taking care of grandma. Finally, my mother broke. My parents had her placed in a nursing home.

My mother cried and cried about this difficult decision. We all told her - you did more than anyone else could. You worked yourself to exhaustion taking care of your mother. You were the best daughter anyone could hope for.

It didn’t matter. In her own eyes, my mother betrayed her mother. My mom visited grandma every day for five years. Her sisters never visited her once. My mom paid for the best nursing home in the city (maybe state) and spent at least an hour a day there, every day, for the last five years. And she still is devastated with guilt.

Grandma was in a bad state for at least three years. I last visited two years ago. She was completely blind. The dementia I had noticed ten years ago had pretty much completely rendered her helpless. She was heavily sedated under pain and mental medication.

It’s sad for me. I loved my grandmother. At the same time, I feel guilty - I’m not broken up. She lived such a hard life, I feel more relief that she’s finally at peace.

Who I am sad for is my mother. When I spoke with her just a a few minutes ago she was inconsolable. She feels terrible guilt about putting grandma in a nursing home.

So this is MPSIMS. I’ll just say:

Grandma, we all loved you. You didn’t deserve the hard life you had to live. You were always good to me; I really loved the time we spent together. Thank you for spending time with me. I hope you find some rest now.

Mom - you did more than anyone could be expected. You were a wonderful daughter. You showed more love to grandma more than anyone else in this world. She was lucky to have such a caring daughter.

Rest in peace, Grandma. I hope the next world is better to you than this one was. You deserve better. Thank you for all the time you spent with us.

You have my sincerest wishes and sympathies. I do dread the day my beloved grandma and ca only imagine that I’ll be a wreck so if you feel a small percent as bad as I will, I feel for you.


Ditto Gamehat, my prayers are with you and your Mother, she is a Saint.

GameHat, my heart aches for you and your family. You obviously loved your grandmother very much.

Please tell your mom that I am reaching out to her in spirit. My mom went through this with her mom, and then I went through it with my mom. It’s very hard.

Don’t. Please. You have nothing to feel guilty about. Neither does your mother, who right now needs you to remind her of it; you can’t help her if you’re busy looking for reasons to flog yourself. Take as needed, etc etc {{{{{{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

My condolences to you and your mother, GameHat.

My condolences to you and your family, GameHat, but you have nothing to feel guilty for. You and your family did all you could for your grandmother, and in the end the decision to place her in a nursing home was the best one for everyone.

I’m so sorry for your loss, GameHat, and for all the sorrow your grandmother and mother had to endure. You and your grandmother had a beautiful connection. Your mother is an amazing person and should absolutely not be beating herself up. I wish peace to all of you.

You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers, Gamehat. It sounds like you come from a line of strong and amazing women.

You are in my thoughts and prayers. I hope your healing and grieving give you the comfort and closure you need. It’s hard to lose a loved one.

Your mom is the closest thing to a saint that I can imagine. We are caregivers ourselves, and I know the toll it puts on you every single day. The best thing: no matter what happened, your mom loves her mom, and showed that love every single day. That’s what having a family is all about.

You and your family will be in our thoughts and prayers.

Gamehat, I’m sorry for your loss. And please tell your mom that a total stranger to her thinks she is one heckuva good person.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family during this difficult time.

Ditto all the above. My Grandmother died more than 25 years ago and there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of her ------- say something I heard her say or use a skill she taught me. You all will be in my prayers and thoughts in the coming days.

Excuse me, I have some thing caught in my eyes.:frowning:

Tell your mother that putting her mom in the nursing home was the best thing she could have done. Grandma would have the best of care, and making another person as healthy and happy as they are capable of being is true love.

A dear friend of our family suffered from Alzheimer’s for many years and her husband tried taking care of her by himself(kids out of state). As she got worse so his health declined, he couldn’t be alert 24/7. Several times she got out of the house and wandered around. Finally he did put her in a nursing home, after we told him he shouldn’t feel guilty about it.

I’m sorry you have lost your grandmother. I’ll remember you and your mom in prayer tonight.

So do I. That was beautiful, GameHat. I’m very sorry to hear of your loss.

Condolences. And don’t worry; everyone deals with a death in his or her own way.

I’m so sorry for your loss, Gamehat. You are indeed lucky to have had such remarkable women as your mom and grandmother in your life.

Your OP was a beautiful homage both women, and I hope you show it to your mom. Her courage and loyalty to her mother are worthy of our respect and admiration. She was a wonderful daughter, the best imaginable. She did the right thing.

I’m sure that your mom’s very existence as well as her character were a source of great joy and comfort to her mom, your grandmother.

When I read this post earlier today, something got in my eye and I couldn’t respond right away. Must be contagious.

You and your family have my deepest sympathies, GameHat.

I hope that your feelings of guilt are soon gone and you come to accept the release that death has brought to your grandmother’s suffering. Your mom sounds like an amazing woman and I hope that you bring comfort to one another in the days to come.