My Hero (1944 - 2026)

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

That’s a good suggestion. Thanks.

My memory is hazy, and it’s not individual happenings I remember but grand events. Like when I was 12 and he packed us all up in the car with an 11-man tent on the roof and we camped all the way down the east coast, ultimately to DisneyWorld … and back. At the time I just remember being in kid-heaven, but thinking back now at all the planning, and saving, and driving, and just keeping everything under control was remarkable.

Or the time we went skiing at Sugarloaf in Maine and made the plan to ski every Black Diamond and Double Black Diamond on the mountain from left to right. It took us all day but we did it and sucked back copious beers in the lodge.

Or the pig roasts he used to put on. At the camp at the lake or down in Massachusetts with a bunch of buddies for 500 people. All day event. Dad’s goofy straw hat. The secret pig-sauce recipe. The sneaking booze even though we were only in jr high. Being the son of the coolest guy at the party.

Or just knowing that my dad was the most popular dad of all my friends dads. He was younger than most - he was barely 21 when I was born. Everyone called him, “Mr. S.” He’d go waterskiing with us, snow-skiing, swimming, fishing, whatever … he was never the type of parent where everybody would freak out when he busted up a party. He’d just say, “All right, party’s over,” and everyone would say, “Sorry Mr. S. See you next week?”

He was the absolute best. Thank you for asking for that.

22

Your father sounds like a guy I’d want to hang out with.

My condolences.

23

My condolences. He does sound like he was a great guy.

24

It sounds like he had an amazing life. That marriage - raising a family together- that made him wealthy beyond measure.

Do you know how your parents met?

25

From what I understand they met at a skating rink when she was 14 and he was 17. They were married with a kid on the way a year later and were together ever since. He was a greaser from the wrong side of the tracks and she was a good protestant girl from the suburbs. Classic story.

26

I am sorry for your loss.

Mourning is weird. Mourn however you need to.

27

Don’t expect it to all one thing at all times. We all grieve in different moments, with one memory triggers smiles or laughs, and another tears. And it’ll probably hit you at moments for the foreseeable future. Respect them all, as you respect your father, and take time for yourself.

My condolences as well of course. And additional respect for both you and your father for still caring so much about each other. I know far too many people who never quite made up in time from their many and varied disagreements, or worse, have had to accept they never will be able to do so in our current highly-charged political/social climate.

ETA - that second bit didn’t come out quite the way I wanted. I wanted you to give yourself and your father credit for caring well for each other over the many years. It’s hard to do with anyone, be it family or spouses, and it takes work from all of the above (at least for most of us flawed people).

28

My sincere condolences to you, and especially to your mom.

StG

29

Today was the day. I haven’t been able to stop crying. Too many raw moments from his last day that keep popping up that are making me crazy. I’m not sure he realized what it meant to come off that hi-flow oxygen. I keep wondering if he was ready and it’s killing me.

30

:people_hugging:

I hear you. I lost my mother two years ago, and sometimes it’s still raw.

31

Damn, I’m sorry. It sounds like he had a good run, and he was great to be around.

Like others, this does make me think of my own father’s death 21 years ago. He went in for surgery to remove some fluid around his heart, they found out the “fluid” was actually cancer. It tore when they tried to get a biopsy of it, and he never woke up from surgery.

The only comfort I can offer is that the pain does fade. I finally stopped momentarily forgetting that I could no longer call him for advice about 15 years ago, but on a random day I might still cry due to missing him or my mother.

32

So sorry for your loss.

I grieve for you and your Moms grief.

Give yourself lots of time.

33

I’m sorry, man. Be gentle with yourself - there is no right or wrong way through this. An no time expectation, either. Give yourself time and space.

It’s coming up on 20 years for my mother, and 15 years this September for my father, that they’re gone. I think about them all the time. When you lose a parent it’s like losing a guidepost, or point of reference. Keep the happy memories flowing - he sounds like a great man.

34

It’s 100% natural to second guess everything you or anyone else did in those last days & hours. I know I did. I’m sure others here will corroborate that experience.

It’s also terribly unsettling & unproductive.

Mourning is healthy. Self-guilt-bombing can become a consuming obsession.

35

I envy your relationship with your Dad.

Sorry for your loss.

36

These are beautiful.
They’re glorious brushstrokes, which balance out the darkest hardest part of his portrait- that being added to this week.
Thank you for sharing these. He sounds like he was in fact the best Dad in the room !!

37

He knew.

My Mom is a retired Hospice nurse. By proxy I heard the most granular details about hundreds of moments of beloved people passing. Dying. Transitioning. Whatever word is appropriate to your tribe.

You’re grasping for something to flagellate yourself with- but that’s not what you really need. It’s what you think you’re supposed to be doing, because it makes you pay a price in guilt and self-loathing.

You don’t deserve guilt. You don’t deserve self-loathing.

Here’s the thing: Hearing goes last. They can hear and comprehend through the Opioids, through the haze. They can hear you.

When someone is close, very close, they’re holding on. They don’t want to disappoint those surrounding them. They’re aware on some level. Not some spiritual level- I’d not dare say such a thing. They’re aware on a very real physical in-the-room way.

And they hold on. REALLY hard. Because they love those around them and don’t want to hurt them more by letting go.

I was at first shocked and them humbled by what I’m about to share: Over and over again, Mom would be in the room along with family. ( If they asked her to be ). A daughter would walk out for a bit, a grandson would walk in. Changing shifts so that Dad/ Mom would not be alone at the end.

When at the very end, and when Mom was the only one by their side, she told me she’d be holding their hand and sometimes would say, " It’s okay to let go. "

And a few moments later they would be gone.

My deeply personal take here is that you’ve done nothing wrong. He was ready. And he passed away. Please… don’t torture yourself. It sounds by everything you are sharing that you all did the right things, have been loving and caring and supportive. Right there to the end.

You are to be given respect and caring and love by this virtual band of Dopers. You’ve done no wrong here.

38

Our condolences.

39

My condolences. Thank you for sharing your memories of him. :people_hugging:

40

I knew I wouldn’t regret posting this. I knew you people would handle me with kindness, empathy and wisdom. In the past when I’ve offered condolences, I’ve wondered how flat those words fell on grieving ears. But I have absolutely appreciated ever word of condolences here and out in the world.

So, thanks, guys.

It’s only been a few days, but I feel perspective on the horizon.