My House Needs Handrails (A more MMP style thread)

Gah! I gotta get handrail put on my house. Why? you ask. To sell it. Duh. I’m in the middle of selling my house and pulling up stakes and moving north. Not all that far, like Canada or anything, just about a half and hour north. (But the way I-75 is moving now, that’s 12 feet.)

There’s a contract out on my house (Vinny’s gonna whack it) and we have a new one all lined up. Only for the loan to go through for the people to buy this place we need to put handrails on the front porch. So I’ve called everyone I could think of to do that. (Shibb said he was busy. Then I gave up.) But then I got a passell of new numbers to call today. Maybe something good will come out of it. Dunno.

I did go to the hardware store to see if I could do it myself. The good news is: I can. The bad news is: I don’t wanna. We’ll see what turns up.

You know what I could use about now? A ballistic platypus. I don’t know why, but it sounds like a good idea.
-Rue. (doin’ it all for you)

Father: And what do you do?
Suitor: I’m a handrail, sir.
Father: Can you support my daughter?
Suitor: I can support anyone who holds the handrail.
[/George Carlin]

A ballistic platypus? Hmmmm…
What? No, I don’t mean anything by that. I certainly don’t plan to find one as the Perfect Housewarming Gift.

Thought never crossed my mind.


Hey, where exactly are you moving to, anyway? Tylersville? West Chester? Mason?

Just asking.

That’s what the platypus launcher needs. Handrails.

I’m thinking about launching 'em backwards so that they’d be flying poison spur-first. I think that flat tail might act as a canard too.

However, since we’ve previously established that frog and cat launchers are bad ideas, I predict trouble in the development phase.

-Ex. (Trying to help with the hijack relocation thing, and coming off pretty weak.)

I thought a “canard” was a duck. A French duck. Huh.

You know where Princeton Road ducks under (or “canards”) I-75 Shibb? We’re gonna be just west of there. Between Cin-Day Road and I-75. The address says “Middletown” but it’s still Lakota schools.

Snickers, I thought the perfect housewarming gift was a giant blanket, or a log. Not that the log would help me warm my house since there’s no fireplace. So a log would be a yard warming gift.

Hey, does anyone else get the free bonus space after the italics tag? Or is it just me? Some people get all cheesed if I leave out the space since I get the bonus free space. So when I don’t put the extra space in: like thishere, it still looks Jake to me.
-Rue. (lettin’ you hijack my threads with impugnity)

Princeton roads goes under I-75? That old canard? I know some people that live out there. I don’t know if the schools are that great, but they have very cheap gasoline. And there is a great park for sledding.

(I think the bonus space comes on Macs. My Mac also deletes some characters (for free), but on my PC it just looks strange.)

Rue, ya knows I luvs ya, but I’m not paying postage to mail you a log. I figure when Ex perfects his platypus launcher, he’ll cut me a deal on launching one in your direction, what with us being fellow engineers and all that. Of course, R&D being what it is and engineering delays being inevitable, maybe I’ll just be sending you a card with cheesy, store-bought sentiments. But I’d sign my own name so you’ll know I personally touched it and everything. That’s gotta warm your heart, er, house, right?

I need to think on this a bit more…


As far as I know, it was just one person.

I have to design a log-launching option into this thing now? That’s gonna cause some overruns. And it was all welby’s idea anyway.

No no no Ex! No log launching! That’s not what I meant. I just want to launch an ordinary platypus. Although, for Rue, I should find an extraordinary platypus. After all, he deserves more than the ordinary, don’t you agree?

Okay, I fired off my last post a liitle too quickly. I missed some good stuff.

I believe that the currently preferred terms are “cheese-eating surrender duck” or “freedom goose.” Your choice.

Okay, that’s all I missed. I thought I could do something with Shibb’s Carlin reference, but I was wrong.

I also need to apologize to FairyChatMom* for misunderstanding her post. I initially wanted to design some ballistic nylon anti-platypus armor, but I got sidetracked by a few overly demanding people. I got tasked with the launcher design against my will. Go figure.

I’m thinking about abandoning the “artillery” paradigm** altogether, and going with a bouncing-betty-type platypus based land mine thingy.

Poison spurs at groin level should produce an impressive “owie” condition. It’s also got that beak, so it could nibble the target to death. Like a duck.

  • Did Captain Fairychatdad ever get his water-taxi training?

** Do you hate that word as much as I do?

I’m intrigued by your “bouncing betty” idea, but I think you’ll find a few problems with it.

  1. The Platypus does not bounce. Ever. Cite, you say?
  2. The person on the receiving end of the platypus (the platypee?) would need to have a good deal of forward momentum to engage said platypus. While a platypus suddenly springing up, unannounced, from the earth would astound me, I’m not sure I would let it attack me unless I actually walked into it. Aaah, if such a land existed; where platypus (platypi?) were free to leap up from the earth to confuse and amaze passers-by. But I digress.
  3. I do not feel that such a well loved (even if dangerously full of poison), cuddly animal would have the sufficient “shock and awe” quotient to be picked up by the US military. It would have more of a “shock! and awwwww, look! A Platypus” feel.

That is all. Please feel free to contact me with any other problems you may encounter in your ongoing R&D phase.


Well, thanks for asking! :smiley: Yes, he’s had his training and Sunday last was his first day on the job. Since it was a conjugal visit weekend, I got to ride along with him for a while, but it got boring for me fast. Still, he was dashing in his official Water Taxi shirt and jacket. Gotta find a parrot, tho. I don’t think a platypus would have the same impact.

He’ll be captaining this weekend coming also - Saturday and Sunday. He loves it, and it’s made doubly good because they pay him to do something he loves. Unfortunately, it pays less than half of his real job, so he can’t quit (yet) and captain full-time. But it’ll be a great post-retirement career.

Next we need to see if the Perfect Child[sup]TM[/sup] gets hired as a Deck Bunny… I mean as a Mate. She joins him in about 4 weeks for the summer, leaving me home alone with the doggie.

On preview, my first paragraph appears just a tad suggestive. I could edit it, but what the heck - live dangerously! That’s me - a wild woman!!

I had that done last summer. Nice large handrails for the porch.

Damn insurance companies.

Paid a local carpenter to do it. Took him about 2 days and $400. Worth every penny.

And I ain’t even selling.

  1. While it is true that platypuses (platypi?) don’t bounce, I was referring to a well established type of land mine. I know you knew that, but I just wanted to be clear.

  2. I was thinking of a compressed air delivery system, and counting on the fact that an animal suddenly violently expelled from a nice warm brrow would be one pissed off platypus.

  3. Well, heck, it’s a land mine. It’s not really a weapon as much as it’s a strategic nuisance to the enemy. It’s intended to fill up enemy aid stations with venom and beak-nibble injuries, thus tying up valuable resources and removing personnel from combat.

Your input is appreciated.

This always happens to me. There will be no posts in a thread for half an hour, so I start to type, secure in the knowledge that it will all make sense. Then two other people post while I’m typing, and I look like an idiot.

Back to business:

In some ways, the Deck Bunny job is better than the Head Guy In Charge job, because you get all the benefits without all the responsibility. You just don’t ever get to drive.

Unless you’re me. Then you get fired for screwing around with the PA system.

In other words, congratulations to Fairychatdad.

I think a platypus based weapon would have it’s uses. just think, the Enemy sees Cpl. Platy “Awww! it’s soooooo cyooooot! Ow Crap! that bastard BIT me! What? Are those spurs POISON!?!” The cuteness just lures them in all unsuspecting-like. Then WHAMMO! More death-platy than you know what to do with. It’s a stroke of genius.

I gots a guy to put it all together for me Johnny Chance-boy. 150 smackoleons if I go to the harware store and get the parts. Should take about an afternoon. It’ll be cheap and ugly, but eh, I’m leavin’. (I second “damned insurance companies”. And I shake my fist at 'em all!)

I think FairyChatDad needs a platypus. And an eyepatch. (Don’t get too close. He’s a mean 'un. That’s how I lost my eye. Arrrrrr!) And aren’t all platypussesesii extraordinary? I think so.

The schools are going to be great Shibb. GREAT I say! Totally kick-ass schools. I don’t know how they’ll learn more getting their asses kicked every morning, but then I’m not a professional educator. It’s probably something like New Math.
-Rue. (Freedom Goose McNugget) (yeah, figure THAT one out)

Freedom Goose McNugget? That’s what you feed your platypuss…platypiece…more than one platypus.

So Exgineer, don’t lose hope, I’ve got design changes headed to the engineering department forthwith. We’ll need some kind of contained power source for the land mine platypus device so that the little bugger can watch cartoons and not get bored waiting for his chance to damage the enemy. You and FairyChatMom need to jump right on that so we can get the product out to the customers yesterday.

And Rue, you owe me a mouthful of Starbucks Caramel Machiatto, since I spit one out reading the Fairychat Dad - platypus idea. No fair catching me in the morning like that. If you’re going to be funny, wait until after I finish my coffee.

-Welby (Your pointy-haired idea guy)

Well, this just tickled me! I can just see him at the helm of Nimble or Spry sporting an eyepatch with his faithful platypus curled at his feet. Then I see the owner of the Water Taxi asking him to step out of the boat and please don’t make a scene… :smiley:

Once again, Rue, you crack me up!

The plural of platypus: One platypus and another platypus and all the rest of 'em. (If you don’t know, just evade. Works for me.)

welby, you deserve to lose that mouthful of “coffee”. Just for being a pretentious little coffe swiller. “Starbucks (good thing you dropped that little tid-bit or we might think you got some cheap stuff) Caramel (caramel goes in candy, not beverages) Machiatto (the Karate Kid?)” indeed.