That’s “thoughts and prayers.” The prayers fell by the wayside for a sec, there.
Different couples do things different ways, people.
My husband isn’t paying MY debts. However, he is shouldering way more of the household expenses while I do so. In his own way, then, I guess he is helping me pay them–it’s just indirect. My husband married me, not my student loans.
Rilch, I don’t think the issues of what he spends on himself and what he spends on the household expenses have anything to do with each other. If he was unable to pay the bills, then maybe. But it sounds like he’s paying the bills, and then using what’s left to buy things that he wants. That’s the way it is supposed to work, and I don’t understand why you think the fact that he buys things for himself (that you think are wasteful) negates his right to express an opinion about how much he pays towards the general household expenses.
I think your first effort should be trying to find out how to be a happier person. A lot of these other problems would be better if you could figure this out.
And how often do you shop?
This is exactly right! I must say, anytime I have known a couple to do things differently there has been resentment and the couple has started to feel like, as another poster said, roomates.
I don’t normally like to say that the way I do things is the only way - really, I don’t, but the one big pile thing is an essential part of marriage.
Here’s a little confession: my husband paid off my $3,000 college loan debt before we were married. He had the money and considered it an investment in our future credit history. OURS. That $3,000 debt might have made it difficult for us to buy the house we wanted a few years later. By helping me, he was helping himself.
Rilchiam , you and your husband should examine the idea that, if you helped each other, you’d be helping yourselves, too.
Just my two cents.
I guess the question would be: Is Rilch allowed to piss money away on her needlepoint or whatever craft she’s interested in? Or on her own CDs? If she doesn’t have anything left after her part-time job, does she have access to fun money that he earned?
I do “run in” shopping a couple times a week. I do “big” shopping every 10 days to 2 weeks. I’m talking where I spend $100-$125. If it takes longer than a half hour, it’s because they don’t have enough checkers.
They often don’t, at least around here. But anyway, my point was that it’s certainly possible to spend 2 hours grocery shopping, especially if you don’t go during the week.
Well, my time is too valuable to spend it wandering around the grocery store. Get in, get out, get home. I’m sure some people can do it, but it ain’t happening with us. We can hit Walmart, groceries, and PetSmart in a 2-hour period.
It’s not a choice for me. Two hours is as long as it takes. If I went into the stores a few times during the week, I wouldn’t be spending two hours there at one time; however, the regular shopping and the minitrips would still add up to two hours.
My time is valuable to me, too. That’s why I’ve used online grocery delivery at times.
I’m not sure having a joint account and buying food together would neccesarily help things. It’s not the arrangement of accounts or shopping habits that are the problem–it’s the attitudes involved, which are going to rear their heads no matter what the names on the accounts are, or who does what shopping.
If Rilch puts all her money in the joint account, and then gets her allowance, and they do all the food shopping together, there’s still the problem that Mr Rilch feels he’s paying more than “his share.” Getting a joint account won’t magically change that attitude. What would probably happen would be that he’d demand that she budget food shopping, and he’d still insist on all the stuff he wants (after all, it’s mostly “his” money) and where economizing has to take place he’ll insist that it’s done with “her” stuff–because she’s not contributing as much. That’s what’s happening now, and it’s not the arrangement of checking accounts or shopping duties that’s causing it–until his attitude changes, it’s just re-painting the same old house.
Personally, I don’t think it matters whether a couple has joint accounts or not. It’s not the color you paint your house, or whether it’s got a basement, or how many rooms it has–it’s how structurally sound the building is.
Hang on a sec here. Before anyone further discusses the pros and cons of sharing debt, credit, and finances, this particular statement should be clarified. Is Mr. Rilch in debt, or does he have bad credit? People have been going on the assumption that he’s spending money that is available to him, but that may not be the case. If Mr. Rilch is in some kind of money difficulties, then that’s going to be a very big problem that needs addressing.
Rilchiam, I’m sorry for your troubles and am sending vibes your way. I haven’t really got anything to contribute that anyone else hasn’t said already, though.
I hear ya, brutha! I love on-line shopping. However, Mr. K thought it too extravagant. Whatever.
Rilch, you don’t believe in yourself. You need to figure out why and make some changes in your life so that you feel appreciated, valued, and respected.
It’s quite possible that you’re suffering from depression, as others have suggested. I would certainly go to a doctor and get it checked out.
I didn’t mean that there was never any love in your relationship, Rilchiam. I meant that the whole arrangement regarding finances and food, etc., seems much more like a roommate relationship than a familial relationship. You can like your roommates, and even love them, but it’s still not the same as family, IMO. It looks like I’m not alone in thinking that, either. I don’t know if you two ever have planned on having children, but I can’t imagine how they would be cared for under such a system.
Why do I have the feeling that, had he gotten the eggs, you’d have been expected to pony up the $1 (or whatever) for them to balance your accounts, since those eggs are “yours”. If he wanted eggs, he’d have to buy his own, or pay you, say, $0.10 per egg. Am I right? This is different than “He buys Coke because he prefers it, and she buys Shasta because she prefers it”, or even, “He pays the rent, and she pays the utilities.” Why do you buy separate syrup? If you prefer the taste of generic, that’s one thing, but if he really prefers Log Cabin, and you don’t care, why not just buy a bottle of Log Cabin that you both use? You at least save on shelf space, gas for separate trips, time…
I remember reading about Amy Tan having a similar sort of arrangement with, IIRC, her first husband. They kept huge lists of who owed whom for what. And, ultimately, the relationship did not work out. I’m not saying that it never does, but, IMO, it’s got strikes against it, especially when the couple’s finances are not equal.
Yeah, I also subscribe to the theory that you’ve got to help each other. Otherwise, why be married? You should certainly work on your anger issues, but that’s going to be a lot easier, IMO, if you don’t have to worry about buying a week’s groceries with $20 if you don’t have to! Imagine how much further your $20 would stretch if you could add it to your husband’s grocery budget and you didn’t have to buy separate syrup, cola, eggs, milk, and who knows what else?
I can’t imagine dealing with the stress of poverty while my own husband has the relative ease of middle class.
And there it is…in all its stark reality. This situation is so unfair. I’d be a bitch, too!
You’re not sure what I ment because that was directed at my wife not you.
I definety think a married couple should jsut join everything. The two of you have debt and the two of you have income. I believe that you have mention the Mr R works in film production. I’m sure there are times when work is scarce for him and your income came in mighty handy.
Anyway, keep trying.
Zebra
It might be useful to remember that Rilchiam may be too hard on herself. She may be easy on herself. She may be too hard on her husband. She may be too easy on him.
All we can possibly know is what she’s related here. And although that’s not necessarily a bad thing, Rilch herself is not a objective participant, and couldn’t be. I’m certainly not saying she’s misleading anyone - which would seem very unlikely, given what I’ve read from her in the past - but I am saying that her prominence in this situation precludes her from providing an objective account.
We who merely read these words online cannot have the entire, unbiased story.
I’m so sorry, Rilch.
It does sound like he’s trying to play professional victim on you. You should have the right to get cranky if someone promises they’ll do something and then doesn’t follow through. It’s how you get cranky that’s important.
Look up “drama triangle” on Google. One important fact in a drama triangle is that the victim often is controlling the transaction. And I’ve certainly seen victims overstate their victimization.
Also, I recommend a book called “From Co-depency to Co-recovery” by J. Richard Cookerly. It’s ostensibly about addiction and relationships, but it is really a guide to building good relationships for anyone.
Wow…Your situation sounds horrible, **Rilchiam **. I’ve got to agree with those who have expressed surprise that you’re not combining your debt. I mean, you’re a unit after you’re married. One entity. It doesn’t sound like you’re coming together as one entity, though, or that you ever have. It seems more like you haven’t been on “equal footing” with your husband (at least in his mind) for a long time. I’d be pissed, too.
And shopping for food separately and charging each other for a slice of pizza? I’ve never heard of that before. Isn’t it counter-productive financially to buy separate food from each other? Do you guys eat dinner at the same time? Do either of you cook for the two of you or do you each cook for yourselves?
And how long have your finances and food been kept separate - all the time you’ve been married, or is this something that started when you began working on getting your book published?
Rilchiam, I’m sure you have no idea who I am, but I’ve enjoyed reading your posts for several years now. I’m really sorry to hear that you and Mr. Rilch are going through hard times, and I hope things work out for the best for both of you.
Last year I was going through some unhappy times, and someone recommended the book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman. I thought it was a really good book, and not at all what I’d expected it to be. I’m sure you can find it at a local library or bookstore if you want to check it out.
I know several couples who keep separate finances - either two individual accounts, or one joint account for household expenses and then separate individual accounts for personal spending. For some it’s working excellent and for others it’s a sticky point, but it’s not necessarily a recipe for disaster. One of these couples has been married for quite a long time and it seems to work just fine for them. If it’s what works best for your marriage, don’t feel you need to change it.