Just got a call from Mr. T. He told me a semi-regular at his place of business is giving a vibe that he’s “going to kill himself tonight.”
Understand that my husband lost 3 friends/acquaintances to suicide this past year. He has been kicking himself for “not recognizing the signs”. My advice was to call the police and tell them the man may be a danger to himself. My husband is not comfortable with that. My second suggestion was for him to call the suicide prevention hotline and ask them what to do. Note that the only contact info my husband has for this man is his cellphone number.
I suspect that the police would want more than a “vibe”. They’d want to know whether the person had threatened to injure himself, or exhibited signs of irrational behavior. Perhaps they might be willing to perform a “wellness check” on the person’s home if your husband could provide some reasonable ground to do so.
Calling the suicide hotline sounds like a good idea. They may know how local police tend to respond, or suggest other alternatives.
As a caution, with three previous suicides in the recent past, and some degree of self-guilt about failure to recognize signs, your husband could be over-reacting.
Agreed. Since only my husband knows what the man said to arouse suspicion, only he can explain to them why he got that “vibe”.
Yes, that’s what I hope the police will do and why I suggested to my husband he call them.
Agreed. Unless my husband tells me what the man said*, I can only suppose that the man said things that were very similar to what the other three people said to my husband a few days before they killed themselves. This would explain why the man’s statements triggered my husband’s sense of alarm for his well-being.
Thanks to all for your advice.
*Which he will not, as that would betray the man’s confidence.
The man had already left the premises when Mr. T called. FWIW, my husband tried to get the man to agree to get together after work, but he declined the offer.
I would call him and ask how he is, expressing concern about how he seemed to be earlier. Then I’d ask him directly about if he was thinking of suicide. Asking about suicide won’t give someone the idea to do it if they aren’t already thinking of it. Asking about it will show that someone cares and that if he is thinking of it that it is okay to talk about it.
This is assuming that what he said was ambiguous about if he meant he was suicidal or not.
If he said something that was clearly a suicidal threat, on the other hand, you should call the police without hesitation.
Is this a co-worker or a customer who just comes in the business? Can you give more details about what is making your husband think this?
Does your husband know anything about what this guy is interested in? Art, animals, science, anything? Your H could call him up with a question like “I’m thinking of getting a dog and I know you know about them. Can I ask you some questions?” That would give him a good chance to feel him out. Maybe even meet up with him under the guise of getting more advice.
I called the suiciide prevention hotline about a friend I was very worried about a few months ago. Apparently, if you say the friend has told you he or she has a plan of action (my friend had) their policy is to push you very hard for an address, or for any information that would allow the police to go do a welfare check on the person. So your husband has to be prepared for that. And IMO, involving the police is not a wrong thing to do if he suspects, even vaguely, that the threat may be serious.
I agree that calling the guy this evening with a question or some made-up reason for calling is a good idea. Another approach is for your husband to ask this guy directly if he is thinking about killing himself, and if the answer is in any way affirmative, or even if it’s not, to them try to get him to agree to tell your husband first. This makes the person at least aware of the fact that their plan is taken seriously by someone, that they’re being listened to and that their actions are not completely unilateral and without consequences.
I wonder if your husband could just call they guy’s cell phone and say hey, I’m worried about you. If there is a suicide plan in place, a call like that could make a real difference. If your husband got the wrong vibe the worst that can happen is some guy knows that another person in the world cares about him.
I’ll never forget seeing an interview with a man who survived a jump off the Golden Gate Bridge. He said he took the bus out to the bridge and decided that if even one person smiled at him on the trip he would consider it a sign and cancel his plan to jump. But no one did and so he went through with it.
Can you imagine? All it would have taken was a quick smile from a stranger. There’s no downside to making the phone call.
A possibly hopeful update. I want to be very respectful of the man’s privacy, so I’m going to be a little vague about what has happened. Advice received was relayed. Selected suggestions were acted upon. The man was contacted and asked a direct question or two. The man is in a very dark place, emotionally, but denied a specific intention to harm himself in the immediate future. Offers of assistance and support were made. Clear indication was made that following up with him would happen. We are cautiously optimistic that the man will be okay for the next day or two.
I am relieved to know that our (your, my, my husband’s) desire to help this man was followed by appropriate action. Again, thanks to all for the advice. On a personal note, your immediate and deep concern for a total stranger’s welfare is much appreciated, and humbling.
How does having three friends kill themselves make one an attention seeker? Or are you suggesting the OP or her husband is lying about the suicides?
Also, I’ll bet you’re wrong about ‘most’ people not knowing anyone that’s killed themselves. In fact, I think we did a poll on it a while back and there may have even been an article in the thread somewhere (I could be wrong though). I want to say it seemed to average out to most people saying they knew about 1 person that’s committed suicide for every 10 years they’ve been alive.
ETA, I was wrong, it seems most people fell into the ‘less then 1 per 10 years I’ve been alive’ category. I didn’t realize that’s how the poll was setup when I was thinking about and my memory told me we reached the conclusion that it was about 1 per 10 years. I don’t know how many people would have chosen ‘none’ though and I didn’t read all the posts.
What evidence do you have for making this statement?
I’ve known three people who committed suicide, and have heard friend’s stories of many more. I think it’s more likely that almost everyone (past say, age 40) knows at least one person who has killed themselves.
WTF is a sus and how does one sound? I want to be sure I don’t fall into a nest of them.
Also, just what sort of attention would Mr. T be seeking by his wanton and reckless knowing of multiple suicides? What would the payoff be for him? Is there a scoreboard for this sort of thing? If so, I would like to put myself down for 5 suicides, with bonus points for 2 of them being blood relatives!
Wow. So are you suggesting that no one can know three people that have killed themselves?
Let’s just back up a bit.
You said
Why don’t you see if you can come up with some kind of cite that shows that at least 50% of people will never meet anyone that commits suicide and we’ll go from there (hell, I’d even go for 40%). Otherwise, I know I’d rather follow the story in the OP and not see it get derailed. Perhaps you can start your own thread in the pit. The two posts you’ve made to this thread have been just plain insulting.