To think or give someone else hope that somebody is going to change is useless and even destructive. In the real world, people don’t change much, especially insecure, jealous bullies. This is a man, and I use that word loosely here, who bullied and degraded his girlfriend, on her birthday no less, and punished her in a juvenile and emotionally abusive manner. Now that she has “paid”, he is being nice to her- of course he is, so that he can set her up for next time she needs to pay for whatever behavior he deems has wronged him somehow. It doesn’t stop, it just goes in cycles. You can coddle the OP with “it’ll all work out somehow, all you need is love”, but I prefer to be honest with her. Thanks, though.
It’s a good point that a single incident does not a person make. I agree there’s a chance this doesn’t mean the boyfriend is a villain you should flee from.
A very small chance, but it can’t be ruled out from here
– the rest doesn’t matter; there’s no appropriate reason for this to “bother” a healthy person, unless maybe it’s something extreme like “since the male co-worker was standing behind me with a raised knife.”
Controlling relationships often include alternating patterns of good and bad. Lots of presents, making room in his life for you when you move cross country, etc. are the upside. The downside is the jealousy and isolation. When people show you who they are, your job is to see.
I say this as someone who dropped everything and helped a friend leave a emotionally abusive boyfriend. She was ready to marry him about a year prior to the call. The last year of their relationship was a rollercoaster and I told her repeatedly that I was just a phone call away and my family and I would be there to help her move out within an hour. As it turns out my wife and daughter were in the neighborhood when I got the call and arrived within minutes of me relaying the message. Then I arrived with our truck, dolly, furniture tie-downs, and extra hands about an hour later and we got her out within a couple hours.
If he won’t let you make friends with people who might choose you over him, as I did for her, although I got along fine with him for the most part, that’s a pretty big red flag.
Enjoy,
Steven
I think that the girl is already clinging to a false belief, and nothing less than what AtG said will change her beliefs. I also believe, sadly, that the girl is madder than a hatter to believe that their heart-to-heart, with him promising yada yada will have any effect, except to lock her into the horrible pattern into which she has fallen. There must be a significant change in world view for him to change, and, he hasn’t had it. Everything that they have done, after the birthday, is 100% modus operandi for an abuser such as himself. AtG gave the girl the best possible answer. And, your implying that **Alice **was yelling, unless I missed something, is misguided. In this case, also, yelling or suggesting/encouraging will have no effect. The girl has already enabled the jerk beyond standard expectations of such a pathology.
Also, AtG was giving her some really primo advice on what to look out for.
sigh. We hope well for the girl, but, she is going down the wrong path. I think that this one will require more than words from a message board, even this one, before she gets straight in this matter.
Best wishes,
hh