For the life of me I cannot figure out what on earth there is to disagree with about the predominance of the advice I’ve offered you, which consists mostly of being kind, respectful, romantic, and actually listening instead of arguing. If all you got out of what I’ve said is that you need to make financial sacrifices, I am not surprised your wife is having difficulty communicating with you.
Renee, I’m very glad something I said was helpful to you. I took a page from my beloved “baba” and “poppy”, and strive daily to emulate their loving and devoted marriage. We’re not perfect (nobody is!), but I’m very proud of the fact that people have commented on how great my husband and I are together and how nice it is to see how we interact. I adore him, and I make sure he knows that every single day, by both word and gesture. Little things really do go a long, long, long way. All the best to you!
You should go to counseling and invite her to join you.
If she doesn’t have anything invested - if she wants to leave - you can’t MAKE her stay. Wildflowers and loveletters will look trite - too little too late. But counseling can help you both anyway.
If she hasn’t made up her mind yet, then it is worth helping her make it up - and fighting for the marriage.
Because the thrust of your first post talked specifically about how I might find extra money to make ‘things happen”. As for the arguing thing, well for the most part it doesn’t apply. I mean if we were arguing about who does more housework or something like that you might have a point. But that’s not where we are. To me she’s rejecting everything we’ve been building towards. I don’t know how to explain it any better than that.
Um, you might want to take a close look at her ring of friends she’s hanging with. I smell a gentlemanly influence that ain’t coming from you somewhere in the mix, if you know what I mean. I only say this as it is my feeling that when someone abruptly gives up in a relationship it is usually because there is someone else in the picture. Especially if there are a lot of things that don’t make sense and a general state of confusion and mistrust floating around.
Yeah, showing and telling your wife that you love her is trite. There aren’t enough rolleyes in the world for that sentiment. Ultimately it may not work, but it’s never wrong to make the gesture, especially when a marriage is in trouble. If nothing else, it helps reestablish that there’s at least some foundation upon which to bother to continue trying!
Nonsense. One paragraph suggested you sit down with your wife, tell her you’re willing to work towards getting her the vacation she’s been longing for, and working out a way you can find room in your budget to start saving towards something tangible that she can look forward to. The details were only meant as an illustration – you have to figure out your own way.
It’s very sad to know that biting your tongue and walking away before arguments get heated doesn’t apply to you. You’ll have a very difficult time saving your marriage if you aren’t at least willing to do that, counseling or no counseling.
As for her “rejecting” everything you’ve been building towards, a) I’m not sure I buy that, and b) she’s had a significantly life-altering experience, so of course her priorities seem different now. And she has made it quite clear that if you aren’t willing to accommodate her in at least some fashion or another, you aren’t going to even have an opportunity to find a fair compromise.
You aren’t going to enjoy anything you’ve been building towards as husband and wife if you don’t have a wife! How warm does a savings account keep you at night? You are simply going to have to figure out a way to try to do both, or you’re going to be doing it all your way, alone.
I think the problem with divorce is that most people picture it as clearly one “bad” guy and one “good” guy.
The fact of the matter is that some people just grow apart. It doesn’t mean either one of them is bad; it just simply means they’ve grown apart.
In these cases it makes it particularly difficult to decide if one should get a divorce because their is no clear “Bad guy” to blame in this situation.
So what happens? People stay married because they feel some since of duty to their vows. Even though that means they have to live miserably.
This misery benefits nobody. Especially if you have children.
Just understand. If you DO decide on divorce (and I’m not saying you should); it doesn’t mean anybody has to be the “bad” guy.
My wife has been through a major medical issue (going on 5 years, over 30 abdominal surgeries) that have resulted in her being on long term disability, losing her job, major money losses, depression, the triggering of type 2 diabetes and much more. All stemming from a blown C-section trying to save our premie son after gong through 5 previous miscarriages. He didn’t make it.
Over the years we’ve fought, we’ve cried, I’ve stayed by her bedside at the hospital and at home as nurse, helper, ass-wiper, wound repacker, and so on. We’ve sold everything we can, we used up our 401k and savings, we’ve gone through debt consolidations. We’re circling the drain and sinking.
But through it all, no matter how bad things got or how far down we’ve been, we’ve always known that we can count on the other person to be there. We are celebrating 17 years of marriage tomorrow.
Hold on to her. When times are good, you love her. When they are hard, love her more. Do not give up. Get counseling.
Yes, you should try to save your marriage. You owe it to your sons, if nothing else. Every action that you take sends them a message about what marriage should be and how men and women should treat each other.
I concur with all of the suggestions about counseling, and I also agree with a lot of Shayna’s advice. It sounds like your wife may feel as though her life consists of work-household-kids-drama with your ex. Being so ill may have made her realize that she wants more out of life now while she’s young enough to enjoy it. Can the two of you work together to figure out a way to get more enjoyment out of life together? Would one evening a week without the kids be possible? As Shayna pointed out, there are lots of free things you can do together.
You owe it yourself, her and your sons to try. I also suggest counseling. I’ve gone, and it did help. It has not helped us long term, because my husband stopped going after the second or third time. ( I was the one with all the problems). We are still (barely) together. We have agreed to get me through school first. Counseling has helped me immensely in that I have little guilt over the coming split and more insight into myself and my needs. Good luck. I hope she opens up to you and you can have some meaningful communication, no matter the outcome.