My mother (age 96) passed away. One of my brothers is a psychopath

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

She was born in Limerick, Ireland, :ireland: and died today on Long Island, New York. She emigrated to NYC in the 1950s, married a self-employed machinist (from Norway), and raised three sons, all of whom she put through college. There’s no sorrow — she lived fully and gave her best.

After we all moved out, my parents sold the house we grew up in and moved to a gated community — golf courses, clubhouses, and HOA services for lawn care. My father retired and lived there for two more years until smoking-related illness took him in 2000.

I left New York in 2015. My oldest brother (5 years older) stayed in NYC as he been for 20 years. My middle brother (2 years older) and his wife had a major falling out over how to care for our ageing mother after I left. They completely cut contact.

Later, I believe my middle brother developed a disease that led to COPD. Despite having lived about six miles away, he and his wife moved to within 200 yards of my mother’s house — yet remained out of contact. In fact, my mother was even denied entry to the wake of her grandson after a tragic accident.

Roughly 20 years ago, my mother put her house into a trust or similar arrangement. It allowed her to live there, but upon her death, the house would become the shared property of me and my two brothers. I believe she did this to protect the home from being taken by Medicaid, in the event she needed long-term care.

For the first time in 8 years, the middle brother, his wife, and their son came over. When asked to leave, they refused.

A hospice nurse was present and overheard my middle brother say to my oldest brother:
“If Mommy dies, I am going to kill you.”

The nurse turned to my oldest brother and said,
“I’m going to have to call the police.”

My middle brother has a CCP (Concealed Carry Permit), which gives him access to a number of firearms, including handguns. However, the police cannot suspend his permit or confiscate his weapons without a court order — a restraining order is an entirely different thing.

Since then, my oldest brother has received two aggressive, all-caps messages from his nephews:
“YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE WHO DESERVES TO DIE FOR CALLING THE COPS ON MY DAD!” (etc…)

He now has security in place for the night.

I lived with my mother for about a year at one point, and I had two Navy Colt replicas stored in her garage. If I had personally heard what my brother said tonight, I may well have replied:

“I’m going to the garage to load five .44 calibre lead balls into a real firearm. It’ll take about 10 minutes. If you are still in this house when I return, I will be sure to ruin your day.”

2

(1) I’m sorry for your loss.
(2) Do not shoot, or threaten to shoot, anybody
(3) Find out who the trustees / executors are and make sure a neutral third party, and NOT a sibling or nephew / niece, is handling everything. Do not, under any circumstance, take on the role of executor.

3

My sympathies.

My SO is from a dysfunctional family who screwed her out of an inheritance. When their father died, they were supposed to sell the house and send her a few grand; instead, one of her sisters moved into that house.

4

@Dr.Drake made a splendid post and gives good advice to consider, especially Point 2.

However, I would add the following:

Here’s the problem I see with declining to act as executor if you are first named. If second named is the crazy brother, then you’d be stuck with him running the whole show. You can decline to act, but I don’t believe you can choose to not agree to the second named individual. Obviously check all this out with an attorney in the subject jurisdiction! In fact, this is really your very first order of business. Who has a copy of the trust? Do you know what’s in it?

For your sake, I hope 1) the executor is a neutral third party; 2) the trust is simple, saying something like, “After all debts are ascertained and satisfied and designated gifts are bequeathed, the residue of the estate (including the house) is ordered sold and proceeds divided equally among the heirs.” The End.

If the residual amounts aren’t that much, sometimes it’s worth just walking away.

I am sorry you are going through this. Unfortunately, it sounds like it’s going to get much worse before it gets better. My sympathies. And stay safe. Your brother sounds like a real piece of work.

5

Like pulling out a knife. Yes, fratricide is good to avoid until you cannot. i sold my knives and those colts and am in the UK. When I need to go, I will.
i believe eldest brother is the executor. and when I asked if there was anyway to cutout middle brother, answer was no.

6

I pity your eldest brother, then. But if he is level headed and the trust is sound, the whole process will run itself.

7

Read up on New York’s red flag law. If need be consult a lawyer. There probably isn’t enough to get a TERPO (temporary extreme risk protection order) yet but it’s best to have the information ahead of time.

8

Eldest brother I believe is the executor, who has to deal with the morticians and a funeral, and a crazy ass family I once could hit their house with a baseball.

There’s a good collection of real Waterford Crystal, yet I’ve no clue what they’d be after otherwise. denying them access seems like a good idea.

9

It is possible to get one. When our father died, my sister and I were appointed executors. What we did was to engage an estate administrator (a lawyer), who would look after all the nitty-gritty of closing out the estate. He did, and all Sis and I had to do in order to “execute” the estate was to sign the paperwork he sent from time to time.

When it was all done, he presented his bill, which was quite reasonable. And we had the estate pay it.

10

Oh, certainly! When all parties are cooperating and in agreement on how to proceed. If they’re not, though… and something tells me this is going to be a very acrimonious estate proceeding.

11

It is the eldest brother. only one copy of the will. The middle brother, wife and two sons are creepy ghouls. I dunno what the Waterford crystal is worth. Some nice chandeliers too. They are ghouls and that they came to my mother’s house for the first time in 8 years and threatened my brother I shall not forget.

12

Moderating:

To be clear, I am making this post as a moderator, not a participant.

In a thread with fewer than a dozen responses, you have made vague threats of violence three times. This Board is not the place for that. I understand you are angry, but you need to discuss this without making such threats. If you cannot, then we will need to close the discussion.

13

Can those ghouls use my eldest brother being executor in some kind of litigation? It should be fairly easy - we are not the Vanderbilt’s.

14

I don’t know. As I said, your very first order of business should be to contact an attorney in the jurisdiction where the estate will be adjudicated. IANAL.

15

Household contents often aren’t worth all that much. That’s even true for things like fine crystal, china, heirloom furniture, etc. The current generation just isn’t interested in all that stuff. Thrift stores are selling full sets of perfect, vintage china for under $50 because there isn’t much of a market. Selling everything usually is done by an estate liquidator, who will take a pretty big cut. The family will get something after it’s all done, but it may not be a significant amount money. Don’t create unrealistic expectations thinking that there’s a goldmine inside the house. The house itself, yes. The contents of the house, no.

16

Understood and acknowledged the first two.

Not forgetting a death threat to my brother? I shall never forget nor forgive. If that imperils the thread, thank you to all who have posted and beg pardon AspenGlow.

I am not the executor and basically my middle brother has forced the “seek legal advice” which is what the Dope is for.

17

Emphasis mine. It absolutely is not. You are seeking opinions based on the experiences of other lay persons. You are not – repeat, NOT – receiving legal advice of any kind here. People are free to share experiences, and that is all. No one on this Board is your lawyer.

18

It’s clear (and fine) that there is no love lost between you and the bad brother’s family.

It’s really common, after a death, to find a terrible relative to hold your negative emotions. Don’t give him any of the grief or rage you feel at your mom’s passing (even if the feelings are from injustices he caused years ago). Don’t give him that power over you.

If the brother is terrible, let him go: who gives a fuck if he winds up with a chandelier that you don’t have now, anyway? He still has to be him, while you get to be you.

19

Okie doke. All on the same page. Yet do trust the executor.

I reckon I started the thread partly for advice of things myself/or the one brother had not thought of, yet also to hear this has happened to others.

Certainly not legal advice.

20

I regret writing that. Middle-brother has only brought on a review of whether or not he should own firearms of any kind.

Does not matter what the Dope thinks. This is New York. He should still have to stand in court and explain what he meant about kiliing his brother and his state of sanity.