My mother died yesterday - and yet this needs to be here in The Pit

How can you look people in the eyes and say, “We would rather see people starve rather than risk hiring a GHEY.” Sometimes christians make me sick.
Daffyd, you have my sympathy for what you are going through. It must hurt a lot and I am sorry that the most I can do is try to type something comforting. You and yours are in my thoughts.

I don’t know exactly why it seemed important, but I just wrote a long email to the minister who officiated at my mom’s funeral. I felt it was important to explain to her just why I wasn’t at the funeral. I guess I’m just sick of being “erased” by my family because I was born Gay.

She leads the congregation at the church my parents were married at in the 40’s, and I married my husband at a few years ago. (Without any of my family attending, of course…)

I never met this minister, but wanted her to understand for some reason. I’m sure she had no idea of all the family problems, and my family has always been good at looking perfect for the outside world - just hide the Gay one, and act as if I’m just not there because I live “out in California” - like it’s a million miles away instead of a couple of thousand. I don’t even know if the minister will receive the email or respond to it, but I at least got to say my piece.

Lost in all of this is the fact that the day before my mother died, my husband and I bought a new house - well, not exactly new - it was three years old when my mother was born - a 1921 bungalow on a third of an acre in L.A. that somehow hadn’t been destroyed - all the original windows and woodwork, all the glass doorknobs, all the charm and character of a 20’s house. I don’t know if she would have liked it - but somehow it’s now tied to her.

It’s funny, I just realized that I only have one photo of my mother and it’s her wedding photo from 1942. My father is handsome in his naval uniform, and she’s gorgeous in a short plain dress, and that’s how I’d like to remember them forever.

Think I’m going to get in the car, throw on some Big Band music, and go buy a new frame, put that wonderful wedding photo in it, then put it on my fireplace mantel in her memory when we get the house in August.

I think that sounds like a good plan.

Daffyd, my deepest condolences on your loss, and on your relationship with your family.

However, the Pit is really meant for having it out with other posters. This is really more of an MPSIMS thread, which, despite what the name implies, is a more appropriate venue for discussing personal loss or difficult family issues. The only thing you gain from posting this in the Pit is opening yourself up to people attacking you, which A) is not going to be helpful at this point, and B) is probably not going to happen anyway. So I’m going to move this over there.

Again, my sympathies on your situation, and best wishes to you and your husband.

Daffyd, lots of love and prayers being sent to you and your husband.

I’m so sorry for your loss. I hope that the beautiful photo on your mantel can remind you that she was moving toward more loving acceptance toward the end of her life.

She’s all yours now, you don’t have to share her with your brother or his wife anymore, and you can have a better relationship with her memory.

All good thoughts to you and your husband at this difficult time.

Daffyd: its good you are being open and honest with all your ‘emotions’/feelings and not burying the crap in your heart with brother. Wipe your feet on that guy all you want, but its probably much easier on you/husband to make that part into ‘past’ history - what a jerk, and I wanna use much worse words - much, much worse. Keep your head high and continue being so proud of yourself. I know about crappy brothers and death in family all too well; very hard to reconcile internally. Writing it all out for the minister prolly helped it sort out a bit, too, I bet.

I bet you already have a special place picked out for that pic/memory holder. Maybe plant a little tree or something that grows as you remember her each day the rest of your life. Maybe something that reminds you of her, like scents of flowers or color(s). (pics of house in future would be awesome, neat architecture as they don’t make 'em like they used to)

My deepest sympathies to you and husband.

Start packing, man - you’re MOVING! (yeah!!)

My apologies… I wasn’t sure if I could call people (even an idiot brother) names anywhere but the pit… No problem moving it at all… Thanks for the clarification.

You were blessed that your parent came to respect as well as love you at the end, and that your cousin was able to let you know.

I don’t know how to tell you this but your brother is a prick. Even if his religion demanded that he hate homosexuality, what the fuck ever happened to hate the sin, love the sinner?

I hope time heals these wounds and age makes your brother less of a prick.

I’m fully convinced that my aunt killed my grandmother by moving her from Iowa, the only place she’d ever wanted to live, to an assisted living facility in Oklahoma. Bypassing the fully equipped, staffed with hospital employees facility right there in my grandmother’s hometown. My grandmother gets to OK, gets depressed, and gets medicated with some pretty heavy-duty anti-psychotics. At 87 years old. Gets pulled up from her roots, from everyone and everthing she’s ever known, because of some “Christian” lady’s own martyr-complex. My grandmother died two years later, after a fall caused by a heart attack. I’m beyond angry.

I went to my grandmother’s memorial service, and I can’t tell you how nice the idea is that I’ll probably never need to see my aunt again. The thought causes me absolutely no angst.

I’m very sorry about your mother and the circumstances surrounding her last years - may your friends and the family you’ve chosen to build help you find strength and solace during this difficult time. Best wishes.

You can only insult *posters *in the Pit. You can insult people who *aren’t *posters on this board anywhere you please.

Well, then … as the brother is not a poster, allow me to be the first to call him a worthless sack of shit, and an utter waste of the oxygen he breathes every day, and also, a worthless sack of shit.

You called him “a worthless sack of shit” twice.

IMO, he deserves to have it repeated no fewer than *five *times.

My uncle arrived at my grandfather’s funeral with a rented truck and trailer, ready to take everything he wanted out of my grandparents’ house. My mother was the executor of the will and she had say-so over the disposition of the house. Yet he had the audacity to do this. Later, he yelled at my mother in a restaurant. I had never witnessed such appalling behavior by a family member before. So I understand, just a little bit.

I’m so sorry you were treated this way by your family, and I hope you can continue to cherish the memory of your parents, despite this here at the end. Best wishes to you and your partner in your lovely new home.

As someone who recently lost her mother, this makes me so upset on your and your husband’s behalf. My condolences on both of the losses of your mother.

I also second the idea of planting a tree at your new house in honor of your mother.

Daffyd - I almost wish this was still in the Pit so I could uncork on your brother. Stupid little shit is the nicest thing I can think of at the moment. You ever want adopted, my wife and I would be proud to have you even if just as an honorary cousin.

I’m on a different side of the boat. My brother is perfect and I’m the Anti-Christ; at least as far as my mother is concerned. Not for any real reason than she had a sort of depression after I was born that never cleared. And I’m talking to the level that I had to live with relatives now and then growing up for my own safety. When Dad was alive I could handle it (and her) but since he died I’ve just avoided her and the hate. On the surface level I can say I don’t care when she dies – but underneath I dread the day. She’s not evil - just sort of sick. I just wish someone would face it and see if the sickness could be erased.

Guess it’s time for an update since the funeral was yesterday. I heard from several people that my memorium ad in the newspaper was talked about a great deal by many people at the funeral. I didn’t think I wrote anything amazing, but wrote it a bit more personally than “worked here, worked here, died on this day, give money to…” like my brother did. Seems to have caused several people to actually cry.

Some relatives asked if anyone knew if I was doing alright, and an aunt and cousin filled them in on what was going on, and that we talk on a regular basis. It was nice to hear that people cared.

For some reason my brother and his shrew of a wife insisted that my cousin ride with them in the limo to the cemetery, so I got to hear about their comments on the way. My brother started with “Daffyd just wants money, that’s why he’s in touch”, to which my cousin replied that “Daffyd’s house is worth probably four times as much as any money he could get from his mother, and he’s never said a word about wanting money”. At that point, shrew-wife changed the topic and started going on about how my mother “caused her own sickness and death”, and my cousin said she never wanted to smack someone in the head as much she did as that moment. Truly wonderful people, my “Christian” brother and his wife.

And strangely, even though when I write about everything I sound angry, I’m actually not anywhere near as upset at this point. Although I wasn’t there, I actually was, in a way, and my brother, the worthless sack of shit’s behavior (I like it!) showed me again why I have no interest in having a relationship with him.

Again, sorry that you have the misfortune to be related to someone who seems to be, well, a worthless sack of shit. They cast you out because you’re gay, and you’re the bad guy? Doesn’t it just make you wonder how people’s minds work? On the plus side, once the estate issues are worked out, you will never have to have anything to do with these people again.

As has been explained repeatedly, including in this thread, there is no reason you can’t do that.

Good for you!

And good for your cousin!