OK, so AA tied her hands together and prevented her from drinking?
Ach, that sounds more confrontational than I intended - I know that organisations like AA do provide support. My point is, I was the one who quit gambling (and drinking, actually) and no matter what support I was given, I was the only one who could make that decision. If I hadn’t wanted to stop, no support group or therapist could have helped me. In that sense, it annoys me a little that your mother achieved sobriety through her own efforts and AA took the credit.
And AA, or any reputable group that treats addicts, would agree with you.
You’re saying “Therapy can’t make someone quit a behavior if they don’t want to quit.” It doesn’t necessarily follow from that that anyone who wants to quit a behavior can do so without therapy.
But Paul, what if you had wanted to stop and no matter what support, etc. you received, nothing helped you do that? Basically, I think that’s why some people need as much extra as they can get. It really is possible for it to be that difficult to quit an addiction.
Yeah, to further the analogy, AA might not have tied her hands to keep her from drinking, but it helped her tie her own hands. So to speak.
Anyway, what I really came in to post was that I read an excellent piece of financial advice some time ago, and it’s stuck with me: Do not loan money to family or friends. Sounds harsh, but it doesn’t mean you can’t give money to family and friends, if you can afford to do so. But never, ever make it a loan that has to be paid back. This is a great way to ruin relationships between you and your loved ones. Mosier, you’re doing the right thing in not loaning the money to your parents when you don’t have the money to spare. I know it has to suck, though, and you have my sympathy.
Was in the process of adding the second paragraph when the board hung up and I meant to add this… Sorry.
I hope everything works out for you Mosier. As others have said, the two most important facts are that the money for a necessity is gone and no one is privy but you, and how your mother purports to correct the situation. Pass that along to your father and your not required to offer any speculation as to why. Best wishes on this to you and your mom.
If I may, let me join with those who suggest talking with your father, just to make sure he knows about the financial problems (without getting accusatory about the reasons until you know more specifics). I have a friend in England whose mother was addicted to bingo. She would only talk about the wins and never the losses. It wasn’t until she died that my friend’s father realized that she had gone through their entire savings and all that he had to live on was a minimal pension.
And, I’ll add “Good luck and best wishes” as well.
Almost 35 years ago my very best friend’s uncle called me up sobbing, begging me for a few grand to clear a gambling debt. His nephew had refused and so I refused as well. About a week later he winds up in emergency care after receiving the most vicious beating the ER nurse had ever seen. The details are sketchy, but apparently he owed over $25,000 to an illegal gambling den in Queens owned and operated by a soldier in the Bonanno family and his associates. As far as I know, he never so much as bet on a game among friends for the rest of his life. Moral of the story is: people usually don’t make changes until they suffer the consequences of their bad habits.
In general, I’d say that if I really want to stop, then the solution is to stop and no-one can help me. Not to stop, although it did help me to know that people cared about my success or failure: friends, loved ones and so on.
But I’m going to back off from this because I don’t suppose it’s helping the OP. I’d be happy to discuss it in another thread if anyone cares about it. I’m well aware that my views on this are not mainstream, and there’s no particular reason why anyone should be bothered by what I think.
Tell her to have your dad call you and discuss an emergency loan to him. Be absolutely honest that the reason is you cannot trust her, and he needs to know that.
Assuming that you can actually trust him, that is.
Where did AA ever claim the credit for someone’s sobriety? It is one thing for someone to attribute their sobriety to AA, but it is quite another for AA to claim credit for a person’s sobriety. Given that AA never makes any public claims about the outcome of the 12 Step program, I will go out on a limb and say it has never happened.
Any system that asks individuals to declare their own powerlessness has, by definition, taken the credit away from said individuals. Since the solution, as offered, is to follow the next eleven steps religiously (I use the word advisedly) in order to overcome that basic powerlessness, I’d say it’s say it’s fair to assert that this is, indeed, “taking the credit”.
I really would prefer to continue this discussion in another thread.
Mosier, you are to be commended. Far too many people would have let the guilt get to them. It took my wife a while to start saying no to certain members of her family, but she and I have had a healthier relationship since she did.
The guilt is definitely getting to me. Thanks to everyone for helping me keep my head on straight here.
Another update: I got a final call from my mother telling me that things were going to be alright, and that she’s really sorry she bothered me earlier. No guilt trips or anything; she apparently called from the electric co waiting in line to pay the bill.
She took the blame for it, and she and my father have already talked things through. My father was the one who applied for the loan, and I got a call from the loan co. because they used me as a reference.
She hasn’t exactly come out and said in no uncertain terms that she has a gambling problem, but this bit of humility is extremely rare for her, and I think it’s a positive sign. This is the first time that she has asked me for money that I’ve turned her down (to be fair, though, she doesn’t ask for money often, and not at all recently).
I’ll update in a few days once I see how all of this turns out.
Of course, you’re only able to say that because the uncle survived. If he’d been murdered… (Then again, gambling problems rarely involve actual kneecappers these days, fortunately.)
It also seems to depend on the nature of the addiction - alcoholics and drug addicts seem to keep on using even after they’ve spent time in jail, and/or killed others, if the news is any accurate indication.