She just called me to ask for 500+ dollars to pay off the electric company, because they were at her house to shut the power off.
I love my mom, but I don’t have that kind of money just laying around. She says she can pay me back Friday, but if it turns out she can’t, I’m totally screwed. So I told her no, and now I feel bad.
I have more bills than my parents do, and my household makes maybe 75% of what theirs does. I keep my head above water by NOT gambling, NOT buying random stuff just because it tickles my fancy, and keeping a bit extra in my account so that even if everything clears at once, I won’t be overdrafted. Why can’t grown adults with good incomes handle that minimal amount of self discipline and responsibility?
The gambling is the biggest problem. I don’t think it’s as bad as the “rock bottom” stories where people are gambling their rent away, I think she just doesn’t look far enough ahead to realize how much she can comfortably play with. Here in Vegas, there are slot machines in drug stores, the grocery, even 7-11. She loses 20 bucks here, 50 bucks there, and wins 30 bucks somewhere else, and come home excited that she “won”.
God damn, my whole day is ruined now. I feel bad for my family, but I can’t afford to help them and not get it back.
I had this taped to my computer for a really long time. It helped me, hope it helps you.
“You cannot help someone by doing for them what they should, or could, do for themselves.”
It’s the truth, unfortunately. And somewhere inside of you is an awareness that if you bail her out this time, she’ll be back. You’re right. She can figure this out now, or after she’s left you in financial ruin and destroyed the relationship between you, in the process. Either one will leave you feeling like crap, but, honestly which one would any of us choose?
I think you have chosen wisely and admire your strength. Good luck!
I’m think it’s bad enough that the electricity is being turned off with winter still going on strong, and they lack the cash in savings to pay their own bills. That’s pretty rock bottom to me.
Sorry you’re going through this, but try not to feel guilty. Giving a gambling addict money is like giving a crackhead crack.
The weather is actually pretty fantastic here. We left the heater off last night, and it only dropped to about 60 degrees inside.
And, if it was just my mother, I wouldn’t feel so guilty. But my little brother, sister, and father (who doesn’t touch the finances and probably doesn’t even know anything is wrong) all live there, too.
Quick update: my mother called me one more time to see if there was anything I could do. I stuck to my guns, and now she’s going to a payday loan place. This could turn pretty bad.
Shitty situation, isn’t it? If they know you can bail them out, then they’re more likely to get into trouble. So what can you do? Tell them you’ll never bail them out again. But what if they put themselves in the situation whether you either bail them out, or they suffer some serious consequences? Is teaching a lesson, or not being an enabler, worth having someone you care about not have power? lose their house? etc.
You are helping her, by not helping her. You can go talk to her about her problem, and tell her she needs to get help. If worst comes to worst, you can always call Child Services, which would sucketh muchly, but you have to look out for your siblings because your parents don’t seem to be able to.
Excellent idea. Tell your siblings as well. If your mom gets desperate enough, and realises that telling the straight story won’t solve her short term money problems, she might start “embellishing” the story when she tells it to your other siblings or to her friends.
If I were you, I’d look up when the next local meeting of "gamblers anonymous"or some such takes place. Go there with your mom the first one or two times. After that, she should go alone, but that might make it easier for her to go there on her own.
Are there any self-help books on Amazon you or she could read?
I wish I could be more helpful but, seeing as your mother already has problems handling money, I wouldn’t let her get within a mile of one of those places.
I’d let her go to one of them rather than give her money that I couldn’t afford to lose and enable her to continue what she’s doing for longer. The money would end up as a gift, and it would not be the last time the OP would be approached for money. And in the end, the mother would be in the same exact situation she is in now, with the only difference being that the OP was in financial trouble as well. He would be wrecking his finances to postpone the inevitable.
If it doesn’t turn pretty bad, your mom will never realize that this is a serious problem that she needs to fix. Unfortunately, some people need to learn these things the hard way. It sucks, but they do.
I’m sure there are plenty of groups in Las Vegas who try to help people with gambling problems.
Absolutely do this. Helping your mother keep secrets about the household finances from your father is enabling her gambling. Tell him that she asked you for money to pay the electric bill, and that she’s planning to go to a payday loan place and pay a godawful amount of interest because she gambled more than she could afford.
That was my thought, too. It seriously complicates the situation.
ivylass, I don’t think I’ll have to call CPS or anything. My sister is old enough to take care of herself (she’s just living with my parents to avoid having to work full time and go to college) and my brother is in high school, damn near old enough to take care of himself also. Both of them know that if things get really shitty, they can crash at my place (and my relationship with my parents is good enough that this wouldn’t be a problem with them, either).
I do think it’s a good idea to clue my father in, though.
My biggest fear is that I have jumped to conclusions. I know mom gambles, and I know that at one point it was really bad, and I know that she never completely stopped, but what I don’t know for sure is that gambling has caused this latest issue. My parents easily make enough money to take care of their household, so I can’t really see a better explanation for this new problem, but what if I’m wrong? What if I go on a big witch hunt to help my mother “clean up” when the real problem was that they had to spend the electric bill money on something I don’t know about, like legal fees or a doctor bill or bailing a friend out of jail or something? It might not be worth sacrificing my good relationship with my family, not knowing the whole set of circumstances beforehand.
I guess it’s possible that my parents are guilty of nothing worse than just being bad with money.
So now I have started to doubt my decision. Does it show?
Just stick to the facts. If the cause of the money shortfall is something benign, then your dad should already know about it. If your mom didn’t tell your dad about not having enough money to pay the bills, that’s very suspicious behavior for an addict. It would not be unreasonable to share your concerns that her gambling problem may be getting out of control again.
Fact 1: Mom called you to ask for money to pay the electric bill.
Fact 2: Father doesn’t touch the finances
Dad needs to know. Bottom line. Quit trying to figure out why she doesn’t have the money…the fact is, she doesn’t have it. It is very dangerous for one spouse to have total control and knowledge over the finances. What if your mom were to drop dead of a heart attack? Would your father know the full extent of the bills and the size of their bank accounts?
I would make sure your father knew the situation too. She may have a a mess that is about to collapse, and be hiding it. The fact she’s going to one of the loan shark type places is significant. There are worse ones than that place, but that’s a nasty enough one.
I have a aunt and uncle that should be living high on the hog, and because of gambling have gotten to the point where his boss is housing them as part of employment.
I’m sorry you are going through this. A girlfriend of mine has a sister with a gambling issue. You really need to talk to your whole family - they weren’t really able to put the scope of the problem together when her sister was hitting up one for $20, another for $50, here and there. When they got together, they realized how many hundreds were moving from them through her fingers. Then you all need to get on the same page regarding how you’ll behave.
My sister is an alcoholic and its been very difficult to not enable her. Even for me, and I’m the distant one - its been hell for my mother and sister who are more involved.
Perhaps your mother should seek help for her gambling. I don’t know.
Well, to some extent I do know. In my previous marriage, I gambled away some $20,000 in a matter of months. We didn’t have $20,000, or anything like that amount, to waste.
What did I do? I didn’t look for help. I stopped gambling. People tend to overcomplicate addictive type problems: get help, find a professional, all that sort of thing. In the long run it’s easier just to stop, and you escape with your self-respect somewhat intact - you know you were an idiot, but you finally did the right thing.
If this is a situation that’s likely to recur (and it sounds like it is) then I think you have done the right thing. Further, I’d mention the unmentionable to her: “Look, I can’t help you this time because I just don’t have the cash right now. That doesn’t mean I’ll never consider helping you out in the future - I love you and I’d do whatever I could to help. But you’re in this situation because of your gambling, and I won’t help you gamble.”
Because she knows that she can piss away the electricity money, and kind Mosier is a compassionate individual and won’t let her and the family go without heat, cooking facilities, whatever. I’m not suggesting you shouldn’t be kind and compassionate, far from it. And nor do I accept the “make a person feel like shit, that’ll solve the problem” school of therapy. It’s just that I think you’d be doing her a favour by forcing her to face up to the real reason she can’t pay her own bills.
The payday loan thing concerns me a bit too. When it falls due, there’s a high chance she won’t have the money to pay it back. You might get another call at that point…
“Just stop” won’t work for some people, Paul. Addiction issues ARE complicated for a good many people. I don’t want to get strident so I’m going to stop talking now, but as the daughter of someone who’s been in AA for 24 years, I am going to tell you right now, “just stop” wouldn’t have cut it. AA saved her life.
