I’m kind of at a loss as to how to approach this politely so I’m just going to be frank. Your niece has a LOT of challenges and if she wants a boyfriend sooner rather than later she needs to grasp that she’s going to have to be less rigid and less picky and she’s going to have to step up and play the gender game just a little bit. If she and a man hook up and it’s a satisfying relationship mentally and physically from that point on she could probably wear a lawn sized trash trashbag with armholes cut into it for all he would care.
If she identifies “like a man” she will take a man’s practical approach to this vs her very picky requirements which is not manly at all, but is the very essence of a typical young woman’s “white knight” laundry list of requirements that her man will have to have.
She needs to get past this rigidity if she wants a local boyfriend. That’s the bottom line.
The answer is simple and has been provided several times:
She needs to move to a large city with a diverse population. Given her loneliness and how she identifies herself, this is her only hope to climb from the depths of perpetual depression. The sooner the better.
Look. Dating is like fishing. If you want to catch a fish you have to have some good bait. She needs to try working on her looks, behavior, and image so as to attract someone.
Then you throw your bait into a suitable pond.
Then you have to be careful about getting as nibble and landing a good one.
At this point I think social isolation is her main issue. I have a feeling that between her own mind and, likely, whatever internet groups she frequents have probably been a massive echo-chamber in reinforcing her identity and preferences.
This doesn’t mean I think her GQ thing is an act. If anything, I really get her more than you know and I have an exceptionally long post in me I’m debating writing empathizing with her. However, herself and her preferences strike me as rigid to the point of fantastical. In reality, her infatuation with the archetype of a bishounen webcomic character strikes me as something that exists largely because of her isolation. I’m not saying she doesn’t like effeminate men, I’m not saying she wouldn’t like it if her guy would wear a dress.
I’m saying that the rigidity you present her personality and preferences strike me as things that develop in isolation. Not much different from the more standard male nerd who has it in his head that he wants some archetypal badass but supermodel hot woman. It’s the sort of thing I expect to iron itself out once she starts meeting more boys, I have a strong suspicion that she really doesn’t need a long-haired dress-wearing super effette man to desire him. There are plenty of moderately effeminate – or more strongly, totally non-masculine – men who would catch her fancy without being firmly in the very narrow box of “almost-but-not-quite-trans” that that level of gender queering entails.
It’s nothing more, really, than a knight in shining armor or lifeguard or supermodel or geek or whatever other fantasy. When you’re divorced from the world you can develop really strong preferences, but when you interact with it who you end up actually attracted to and the new things you become interested in trying can be surprising even to yourself.
Certainly her being genderqueer and disabled make things difficult. I’m not downplaying that, and I’m certainly not saying her gender disposition or preferences are an act or something she’ll grow out of. I’m saying I think that if she has an opportunity to leave her box, that she’ll develop in a way that makes it clear that her absurdly narrow requirements aren’t, in practice, as absurdly narrow as what she thinks she needs due to her lack of real social experience. That doesn’t mean she’s going to descend into rigid gender roles and giggle with the other girls over sexy bodybuilding lunkhead firemen, but I’m skeptical that when faced with a bunch of reasonably non-masculine boys (which are not in short supply) she’s going to be quite as picky as “Sephiroth in a Cindarella gown” as it seems she is right now.
I’m not sure dressing in boy clothes and acting masculine is that much of a turnoff. My ex was in that direction, and while she didn’t identify as male, she detested being associated with anything girly, and did indeed wear plenty of clothes from the men’s department. She got plenty of male attention without femming it up or whatever else. Admittedly she was shorter and didn’t have broad shoulders, but she did get mistaken for a boy occasionally (especially once she cut her hair).
I tend to agree that she shouldn’t be focused solely on a relationship; if she starts seeing someone and it goes wrong she will be devastated and even more isolated. She needs lgbt positive friends. Perhaps she can start by looking online, there are plenty of gender queer people on tumblr and she could search her location (while making sure she is safe and sensible if she ever meets someone). Then move on to the possibility pf moving to a city where there will be disability and queer-positive communities.
And what makes the bait the right bait is that it is appealing to the type of fish you’re fishing for. If there are thousands of more typical fish that would hit your line if you had salmon eggs or a piece of cheese on the end, that’s not a good reason to use that as bait if you’re fishing for a different fish that reacts to different bait.
A girlish kind of guy who’s into boyish gals isn’t going to start circling flirtatiously in response to her donning makeup and girly ensemble clothes. Think about it.
Yeah, the isolation is the main issue. Back when she was in high school (different state, they only stayed there 3 years), she had a “boyfriend” who was definitely not masculine and they where inseparable, but two years after meeting him they moved down here. That was in 2008 and the last time she had anyone show interest in her.
She would love to get out and do stuff, but that is hard in her area. Meetup.com (I have also looked when I lived closer to them) is mainly “Mommy and Me”, “Child with Autism”, “Business Professionals” or “Bar Hopping Groups”. Hopefully when/if she gets in college she will find like minded people.
I think she has looked at several LGBT groups, but they never had meetings or disbanded after a few meetings. Our area is really not LGBT friendly. At her job she’s heard customers refer to male employees with long hair as “disgusting queers” and had one man say he felt like “hitting and stomping” on “sissy men”. She has also been refered to as “it” by customers. :mad:
I think if they ever have enough money, moving would be the best thing for her.
I agree. She really, really needs to get away from whatever backwater she is currently living in. Between her parents and her current environment, she is pretty fucked.
She needs to move. How can you help her achieve this?
Women I’ve known personally into the “Bishie” archetype in guys were generally intimidated by conventionally masculine men. They were often sexually sheltered, and the anxiety around real actual intimacy with a man made being close to “manly” men intimidating. Being genderqueer in the place she lives, it wouldn’t be surprising if manly type men were the biggest source of bullying for her, and that she wouldn’t be attracted.
Still, a big part of making ourselves attractive to people is making an effort to be as attractive to a wide pool of people, to increase the chances you’ll find someone with a mutual attraction. Finding someone willing to drove her around and very likely financially support her will be tough.
Also be aware that since she has never been really independent moving away will be extremely difficult. She will either be relying heavily on somebody to help with her disabilities which will make her vulnerable to people wanting to take advantage of her. A transgendered person desperate for cuddles and romance will be easily smitten by a friendly androgynous face telling her what she wants to hear.
She tells me (I’m the only person in the family who actually LISTENS, her parents are in the “yes honey” stage) that she tends to “butt heads” with really masculine men and feels a “rivalry” with them. Her therapist thinks it a hormonal thing, maybe she has more testosterone then normal and it has the effect of two magnets with same poles facing. Plus, she tells me she has never been physically attracted to masculine men.
She is terrified of being taken advantage of, as are her parents. She is not a naive little butterfly looking for love. She is the type that it takes time for her to warm up to someone.
I don’t think this is exactly true, although I do get what you are saying about her being a person with female parts who is attracted to people with male parts. But if she views herself as male (and maybe she would like to use male pronouns, but maybe she doesn’t and that’s cool, too), and is attracted to men, then that’s, you know, gay. So don’t underestimate your own insights, is what I’m trying to say.
From how you are describing her, she is a male person with a female body who is attracted to men. That’s an identity that other people have, too. Maybe not a huge percentage of the population, but these people exist. Maybe she could try looking for an online community for people with this identity, which might serve two purposes:
she could connect and hopefully make friends, even online friends (I strongly agree with the posters who have pointed out that she should make non-romantic friends, too), and,
these people probably have some very specific insights and suggestions about approaches to dating, and they would have the added benefit of speaking with compassion and from experience.
There’s a British TV show called The Undateables. You can find some of the episodes at Youtube.
Though the series title is brutal, the show takes a sympathetic look at the struggles of people with physical, cognitive and emotional disabilities as they go on dates. The people featured in the show are given coaching before a date and feedback afterwards.
I’m not suggesting that you tell your niece to watch the show - it’d be cruel to imply that she is undateable. But you could watch it, Artzwolf. Who knows, maybe you’ll pick up some hints that you can pass along to your niece.
I wish her well. She’s lucky to have a caring relative like you.
I’m not going to touch the genderqueer factors (it takes all kinds, and there’s all kinds out there) except to say that she’s shit out of look unless she can move to a large, diverse metropolitan areas (as others have said). What I’m trying to understand is exactly how her other issues are holding her back. How is it possible to get an EMT license without having the intellectual AND physical ability to do the job? it doesn’t sound like she had an accident or illness that changed her physically after getting EMT qualified, so I’m wondering why she can’t pursue it as a profession, because that’s her best ticket out.
Her shoulders and elbows where causing her too much pain from the constant lifting of 200+lb people (actually half that weight, her partner took the other half), but still its alot.
The only reason she got qualified was because she was allowed to retake the actual “doing” part of the test, she has problems with multi step physical things. Her ability to retain what she reads made it so she aced the bookwork.
Maybe she could become a teacher/trainer for EMT’s then? If she has the knowledge that is needed for qualification, couldn’t she teach that to others? Good teachers are hard to find – and often, the best ‘doer’ is not the best teacher.