Dating calculus for complex cases

In My Humble Opinion
1

I often find pretty good, honest dating advice for people here, even for people who ask but don’t want to hear it. So I’m painting a target on my chest with this post to see what I get.

I’m 32, I’m male, I’m a postgrad Computer Science student and I’m severely disabled. Think Stephen Hawking, except I can talk, gesture, am facially animated, etc. Plus, I’m on a ventilator.

I’m apparently very likable. It seems like everybody wants to be my friend sometimes, not that that’s a bad thing. Despite being an introvert, I’m very popular.

I just can’t translate this into the dating world. This doesn’t really surprise me, given my situation, but I know it’s not impossible, just a hard problem that needs the right approach.

The women I tend to attract semi-romantically look to me for a “pretend boyfriend” who will make them feel wanted without any need for a real relationship. I do have some self-respect, so when I ask them out, they freak. Everything’s fine with the flirting 'til I try to end the game playing.

The flip-side is the platonic friendships. Again, I’ve got some good female friends I wouldn’t trade for anything–they’re not the problem. The problem is that, even on sites like OkCupid, I’m seen as asexual, I think. I end up with good friendships if anything, because I’m in the “friend zone” before I start.

I don’t want to sound whiny or like a “nice guy” here. I don’t resent anyone or my history or my situation. The reality is that my dating pool is a fraction of what my hypothetical, healthy twin would have.

But how should I approach this problem? My sense is that, like everything else in my life, I just need to customise my strategy.

Fire away!

P.S. I do not have a terminal illness, just muscle weakness.

2

So, basically an extreme case of friendzoning?

Speaking in general terms, I think you just identified the issue with “I’m seen as asexual”, a well timed sexually tinted comment with an added “Hey, I’m a man, I have needs!” could do the trick. You might have an advantage in that area… the element of surprise, combined with a non-threatening physicality can be helpful.

Perhaps do some research on sexual innuendo? :smiley:

3

I don’t think there’s a ready solution as the cohort of 20 to 30 something college and professional women wanting to initiate a physical relationship with a a man with significant physical impairments is fairly tiny. As you have seen, women are open, eager even, for non-sexually aggressive male attention. The only women who are likely to be willing to engage you physically are probably going to have huge issues themselves, and regardless of the fact that you are in a wheelchair you don’t strike me as the kind of guy willing to settle for that.

Unless you are bringing something large to the table like financial security for a struggling single mom, or something similar, your date and mate prospects are going to be slender. Have you considered simply using sexual professionals for your physical needs and maintaining your emotional relationships on a separate plane.

4

I take issue with this. It is entirely possible for ‘normal’, non-crazy women to be attracted to a disabled man. Note that I said attracted, not “willing to engage him physically”. You don’t have to make it sound like dating a guy in a wheelchair can only be a distasteful act of charity. The OP sounds like a good, likeable, intelligent guy. To suggest that he should abandon hope of a romantic relationship and just settle for friendship and prostitutes is pretty damn insulting.

Sorry Lobot, I don’t have any concrete advice for you. If I knew how to deal with the friend zone, my own dating life would be going a lot better. But don’t listen to astro.

5

Lobot, have you considered using a personal matchmaker service? I don’t mean online dating - I mean an actual live person, like Patti Stanger. Here’s another link to a different group - Kelleher international mactchmakers.

I haven’t used either group so I’m not really endorsing them. But they seem pretty well known so they’re not just a front for “escort” services.

Anyway, even if those two groups can’t help you (and they both seem super expensive), they may have referrals to groups which do handle disabled clients. It seems like there’d be a real market for a service like this.

It was just a thought. It struck me that yours was a situation where a yenta could really help, someone who knows you and your situation, and knows a bunch of girls, and could make introductions. We don’t have village yentas anymore so maybe a professional networker could give you a hand?

Good luck!

6

FWIW, while sex is part of most adult relationships, and it’s certainly part of the appeal, it’s not what’s driving me in this case (consciously, at least…haha). Anonymous sex + friendships elsewhere isn’t really what I’m after.

I do wonder about astro’s point, re: “bringing something large to the table”, however.

Not to sound too cocky, but I think that if I applied myself in the right direction, I could be earning good money, even simply using my degree. It’s just that my academic career, together with my own personal care, doesn’t allow much time for extra-curricular activities. I sometimes wonder if I should stop playing at academia and get on with life if I want life to come to me.

So do I need to choose between academia and life?

7

Merneith, maybe amateur networking and matchmaking may be the answer.

For the regular person, my advice would just be to involve yourself in life and meet lots of people. But that’s not working for me because, like I said, I’m apparently in the “friend zone” by default. So maybe I need to be a bit more audacious and put my feelers out for friends to try setting me up. It could be a disaster, or it could pay off.

8

I married someone disabled, though he was not in a wheelchair. He was not likely to live very long, but I still chose to date and marry him. I was 26. That’s just a data point to throw out there.

Lobot, if this is too personal, ignore it, but is sexual activity in the picture?

I think there are definitely women who would date you. The less things like sex or, say, children are a possibility, the narrower and narrower that segment becomes, but it still exists.

What I worry about in an online dating situation is attracting a Florence Nightingale–someone who thinks it’s somehow ennobling to get involved with someone “broken,” and that you’ll be pathetically grateful for their attention and not see the things wrong with them.

I echo the suggestion about being a little more sexually overt. Not a Howard Wolowitz, please! :smiley: But suggestive flirting.

Do your friends know you are seeking a romantic relationship? Friends can be great matchmakers when there are complex issues involved.

The matchmaker idea isn’t a bad one, either.

I don’t have much more concrete advice, but there are women who have taken the leap into relationships under some pretty difficult circumstances. I know at least a couple other women on this board who married disabled men.

Good luck!

9

Sex is not an issue. The big issue with having children is the possibility of passing the condition on. Were children on the cards, I’d need a muscle biopsy for a complete diagnosis, but I’d certainly do it.

But what I’m capable of and how people perceive me are two different things. I think the key really is networking plus flirting out of the gate.

10

I think you’re right. Women might not even know (and probably won’t want to bring up) the possibility for sex. If your friends don’t know, tell them, especially if you do networking through them. I know that might sound weird, but potential dates will want to know and might not want to ask.

11

Not neccessarily, but on another message board I’ve been reading the stories of able-bodied academics, mostly female, who struggle to balance “housekeeping”, childcare, husbands, and academic careers.

For some, She’s the breadwinner, he’s the stay at home dad, cook, cleaner, taxi driver. For others, she does it all, and only declines to kick him out for fear of having to do it all on half her salary. For others, He’s the breadwinner (in or out of academia), and she teaches part time and raises the kids (cooks, cleans, etc.)

For others, life is made simpler by having no husband or kids.

So while your situation may make dating more challenging, balancing life and academia is not an easy process for many people.

12

Yes, this. If I were being pursued by a man in a wheelchair, one of the first things I would wonder is whether or not sex was possible, and if so, what kind of complications would there be. And I would be too embarrassed to ask. It seems like a very rude question.

Also, I find that nothing is more attractive than seeing someone do something well. If you are academically gifted, I would not forgo concentrating on that in the hopes of finding a girlfriend. Channel all your energies into your schooling, and try to meet people through academic channels as much as possible. This gives you an opportunity to meet ladies who share your interests and will be exposed to you in a setting where you seem to feel rather competent, which means confidence, which is always sexy.

Maybe ask a particularly trustworthy female who has friend-zoned you to give her honest opinion about what your finer aesthetic qualities are. Find out what your strongest feature is and emphasize it.

And at the risk of sounding incredibly cliched, persevere. Try and try again. If you’re dealing with special circumstances, you gotta try harder than other people. Unfair but sometimes just true.

13

A very good friend of mine married a guy in something similar to your situation (though not as severe - he has semi-severe cerebral palsy, but is not wheelchair-bound. Though he probably should be just for the sake of convenience once in a while - it would allow for greater endurance, for, say, a trip to the zoo with their daughter. He gets winded after walking more than a few yards, because, well, he doesn’t walk so well.)

They seem to be about to split up after several years of dating and 10+ years of marriage, but it has everything to do with his stubbornness, and very little if anything to do with his physical disability. (Well, OK, almost nothing; one side effect of his physical issues is that he’s become accustomed to having people go out of their way to help him with things, which isn’t bad in itself, except that it has extended on occasion to him manipulating people into doing things for him that he’s fully capable of doing himself with little effort. Long story.)

I’m not sure where I’m going with this, except to say that it’s not out of the question for you to have a full-spectrum romantic relationship with someone who is very smart, not psychotic, and has only the normal amount of baggage. And I’m probably speaking more negatively about him that I normally would, because, well, she has been my close friend since childhood and has been at our place venting about him for much of the past week. But again, she is venting about his stubbornness, not about anything directly related to his physical problems.

14

Meh. I think that balancing life is not an easy process for almost all people.

Lobot, I think you need to find a way to communicate to someone you are interested in that you are totally able to sex them up. Probably the easiest way would be to date people with whom you have a mutual friend, and tell the friend to figure out a way to bring it up to the person you are dating.

15

Have you tried any online dating sites which cater to disabled people? I think the internet is a much more efficient way to find someone who is interested and understands your situation (heck, I think that’s the case for most people actually).

16

Update: I decided that my major issue at the moment is a lack of social activity. So I’ve done two things…

  1. I emailed my supervisor and asked about involving myself in the research community more fully

  2. I’m also looking at doing talks in the wider community, at schools, etc.

This is not designed to get me dates, especially at schools(!), but more about finding ways to further engage in life outside of study, or to combine the two. These are starting points only.

I’ve tried disabled dating sites, and they’re a wasteland. The one intelligent person I found there was very different to me, so it didn’t work.

So I think that if I more fully get involved in things, either something will come of it or at least I’ll be feeling contented. I’ll also try to network with my friends more.

(FWIW, I’m a groomsman at my friend’s wedding this weekend, so maybe I should make use of that opportunity…)

17

Simple solution: be as cute and funny asZach Anner. His rise to fame marks the first time I’ve ever heard so many women express their desire to bone a physically disabled dude.

18

Solution: tshirt with a crotch-pointing arrow and bold block letters spelling out “FULLY FUNCTIONAL.” Bonus points if you include Data’s head.

Sorry, I got nothin’. :frowning:

19

And attract Trekkers? I don’t want to further narrow my dating pool! :wink:

20

Touche, sir, touche.