I'm discouraged! (I thought I had made a new friend.)

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

The last few days I haven’t been myself. I’ve been smiling… a lot.

Anyone not familiar with okcupid, it’s a dating web site where people answer multiple choice questions about relationships, morals, religion, sex, and other things. It then shows you the people of your preferred gender, and gives you a percentage on how much of a “match” the two of you are. The more questions two people answer the same way, the more of a “match” they are. There are also profiles, where you list your height, body type, age, religion, occupation, income… all of these listings are optional. You can also list the ideal age range you’re looking for in a mate, what gender you’re looking for, and if you’re looking for friends, short-term relationships, long-term relationships, or casual sex.

There was a beautiful girl I emailed that was listed as only a 30% Match for me, however, I can’t see her ‘Match Question’ answers, which indicates that she didn’t answer too many questions. At least that’s why I THINK I can’t see her answers. I figured if she didn’t answer that many questions, the low 30% could be due to that.

All her profile said was that she was looking for:

Guys who like girls
Ages 25–40
Located anywhere
Who are single
For new friends

And that’s it… nothing more than that.

I figured I could use a new friend, though I admit she was very attractive, and who knows what could happen if we ‘hit it off’. To my surprise, this gorgeous young lady responded. We chatted for a while, and I got her phone number. We texted each other a lot. Just small talk in the beginning. After a while I actually thought that there was a chance she COULD be into me.

Later on she expanded her profile. We’re very different.

She’s a little younger, she’s from France, she’s black, she’s educated, she’s catholic, and she has a son. She’s also 5’10", (I’m only 5’5" and in my experience, most women don’t date men that are shorter than they are… jerks!). My profile lists everything about me. I’m also very open in my profile about my job situation, (I’m on Social Security Disability).

Still, she wanted to chat with me. I thought to myself that this girl has an open mind, and I was excited that we were talking so much. She was even a little flirty. I guess I’m not use to that type of attention. I was so happy to have met her. I was just happy such a beautiful woman could overlook some of the things that would turn most women off.

It CLEARLY says on my profile that I’m an Atheist, yet today, she asked me what my religion was. I told her that I don’t have a religion, and that I’m an Atheist. She said; “But you still believe in God, right?” I said no. She seemed very uncomfortable after that. She said God was a big part of her life, and I said that I respect that. Then homosexuality came up. She said it wasn’t “natural”. I told her she’s entitled to believe in what she wants, but I’m a big supporter of gay marriage. After that, there was just silence. I told her I had to go, (which was true), and she said; “OK.”

Now, like the title of this thread suggests, I’m a bit discouraged. Don’t get me wrong, I was prepared for this. I’m also REALLY happy a woman as beautiful as her was able to overlook some of the flaws I might possess, and I was especially happy that she was taller than me and didn’t seem to mind, (because, unlike being a few pounds overweight, I can’t help how tall I am). It just kind of sucks. I thought I had at least made a new friend, but now I’m not sure I want someone like her to be my friend.

So, I’m no longer smiling as much as I was. It’s hard for me to meet women. I mean, I understand why they might not want to date me. But I’m open about who I am and I leave it up to them to decide if they want to have anything to do with me. I don’t message them expecting them to swoon over me. :smiley:

I don’t know… should I be her friend? That is - if she still wants to be friends with me. I know I couldn’t date someone who feels the way she feels about homosexuals… it’s sort of a deal-breaker for me. I don’t mind her being religious. But I’m so pissed she’s so anti-gay.

2

I’ve had that sort of thing happen a lot IRL: you meet somebody, you hit it off, you spend more time together, you get to know each other better, and…

you realize this wonderful new person is mean-spirited. Or not very bright. Or cheap. Or selfish. Or has poor judgment. Et cetera.

In college I was excited to become roommates with someone I thought of as my best friend. Once we were living together I found out she was quite insecure and had been deliberately misrepresenting herself to me. Yeah. End of that friendship! Meanwhile you’re left thinking, “WTH? What did I do?” :confused: :frowning:

3

I know. It sucks, right?

4

So, you’re very dissapointed that it didn’t work out with a woman who is very different from you, lives in another country, doesn’t share your values and is homophobic?

And you’re asking if you should stay (try to become would be more correct) friend with her?

Last time I checked there were about 3.5 billions women on the planet. Don’t waste your time on her. Use the energy you would have spent on trying (unsuccessfully) to become her friend to find another woman who is a better match.

5

I said she’s FROM France. Good advice otherwise. I did ask I should still be her friend, but that’s not the main issue I have. If it was, I would have put this thread in the “In My Humble Opinion (IMHO)” area. The point of the thread was to rant a little about my frustration and being discouraged.

6

Would you want to be friends with a random person on the street who was openly hyperreligious and homophobic? If not, cut your losses. Life’s too short to waste time on ignorant haters, no matter how attractive they are.

Does she even want to be *your *friend, anyway? Friendship is a two-way street.

7

I don’t know if she wants to be my friend… I guess I don’t really care anymore. The only reason why I suggested possibly being her friend was because I might be a good influence on her… but, you know what? That’s stupid. You’re right.

8

She’s a grown up. Her opinions are hers. She doesn’t need you to fix her. Move along.

9

FWIW - if they’ve answered almost any questions - 30% is pretty low. She would have to hate gays and such to have a score that low (more or less).

IMHO - anything less than 80% - and you aren’t going to have much in common. Doesn’t mean you can’t still be friends, but you won’t be friends and agree on stuff.

I’d highly suggest you read all the blog articles here:

http://blog.okcupid.com/

They haven’t updated it in a while, but it is fact based analysis of their data. It is pretty interesting.

10

Ok. Forget I asked about being her friend. My real problem is that I’m lonely. I have been for a while. Someone PMed me saying that I shouldn’t sell myself short, but I don’t think I am. I’m just being honest. I love who I am for the most part.

FTR, I am going to be looking for a job soon. I want to get off SSD ASAP! It’s NOT fun being out of a job, but what’s more relevent to this thread, it’s hurting social life.

11

I’ll check it out!

12

No offense OP, but you seem to have a rather fantasy-prone view of the world. Things are rarely how we like them to be; they are how are.

You placed an online profile on a dating site and you attempted to connect with a woman who, according the site’s questionable ratings standards, had very little in common with you. After several discussions, it became clear to you that she has/had very little in common with you and actually holds personal and worldviews which are diametrically opposite to your own.

Since it becomes apparent to most people at an early age that they are likely best suited to be friends (especially close friends) with people who share most or all of their values, why did you believe that you could be friends with a person who did not share many of your own? Or why did you, to paraphrase your statement, believe that you could “influence her” to change her own views to suit you?

IMHO, this experience probably should be a learning experience for you. You can’t “change” adults if they aren’t interested in changing themselves. And you probably shouldn’t try to change adults who you don’t know very well, or who with whom you don’t interact daily and personally (No, chatting online is NOT personal interaction.)

If you are seeking “friends”, then choosing web sites where friendship, and not romantic engagement, is the priority will likely to provide you with better opportunities for locating such people.That way, the pressures involved with dating, sex and other aspects of romance are removed and you can locate people who share many your interests and personal outlooks and who will be to recognize that you share many of their own. Not reading or understanding that you are an “atheist” was clearly a sign that she probably looked at your picture and latched onto that, that she is “casting a wide net” or that she isn’t very intelligent and doesn’t completely understand what “atheism” really means.

13

No offense taken.

Do you know of any sites that are for people that are specifically looking for friends?

14

I was dating a woman right when the 2008 election was getting heated between Obama and Hillary.

I’m all smitten with this woman until she says:
Her: I don’t think a woman should be allowed to be president.

Me: Are you kidding me? How can you say that about your own f’n gender?

Her: Fine! Then I don’t think you should be allowed to be president unless you’ve served in combat.
Me: So basically, what you’re saying is, you first have to kill somebody in order to be a good president?

This debate continued to the point I didn’t want to date this woman any more.

15

Heh. That sucks. I was all smitting with this girl. I was in ‘deep smit’.

Can we get past the fact that I asked about being her friend? I get it. I souldn’t be her friend.

I said;

“The only reason why I suggested possibly being her friend was because I might be a good influence on her… but, you know what? That’s stupid.”

Lesson learned. Let’s end it there.

16

Although I personally dislike it, Facebook is more aligned to this purpose than many other sites. Also there are plenty of forums which exist for people to share and debate their interests in myriad subjects. If you type in your interest and the word “forum” to any search engine, you’ll likely find dozens of sites related to specific interests.

There are also local sites for people living in the same town, city state or region. They are often full of people who are seeking friends and who may share your interests and perspectives. Again, a search engine will help you find those.

Frankly, while Internet dating isn’t too bad, making true friends online seems to be difficult, in my experience. The “impersonality” of the whole experience doesn’t seem to lend itself to that occurring. It might be better to start offline (e.g. “the real world”) and limit your online search for friends for a while.

17

I’m afraid to ask this, because I fear what the answer will be… But should I be dating at this point? I could use the practice, (obviously).

18

Good riddance to bad rubbish.

And you should date if you want to date :slight_smile:

19

Yeah! Screw her.

I’m leaving tomorrow for Myrtle Beach… so I may not respond right away.

How do I present my SSD situation to women? Should I leave it in my profile, so they know right away? If not, what’s the best way to tell a woman? Another problem I have is that I don’t drive outside of the suburbs I live in. I don’t drive in the city or on highways. You know that person you scream “People like you shouldn’t be on the road!” to while driving? That’s me you’re screaming at.

This is KILLING my chances with women. Or at least the ways I divulge it are. I’m fed up with rejection. I would take a break from looking, but like I said, I’m lonely.

20

As far as the SSD goes, I honestly don’t know what that ultimately means. Are you permanently disabled with motility issues? Injured on the job and now just can’t do what you used to and having a hard time finding a different career? Have a congenital and debilitating disease that might make someone want to avoid starting a family with?

Just saying you’re on SSD doesn’t tell me anything. Could mean you have great lawyers and shady doctors who got you set up so you never have to work again. See how people can make all kinds of assumptions?

If you have enough income so you’re not prevented from treating a date, or several dates, I think you should avoid the subject unless there’s space to explain things enough to make sense. Especially if you’re looking for maybe just friends to start, how you make a living shouldn’t matter all that much. That comes up more seriously when women are looking for a mate.

As to the driving thing, sounds like you need to limit your search for friends to very local. It would be stupid to start talking to someone you need to take a highway to meet or do stuff with. It also depends again on whether you’re talking to someone who will just be a friend or not. If I had a nervous driver as a friend, it wouldn’t be that big a deal. If I met a dude I really like and then find out he’s a nervous driver with such limitations as yours, I think that might be a deal breaker, but maybe not if he lets me do the driving. Or that could get really old. Hard to say.