Went shopping this night. Realized why I was supposed to make it to the bank today. Declined for a $35 gift card. Hey, look at me. I’m a cool-guy.
Went over to Jeana’s this night. Jon and I were talking about a game he played with his cousins when he was young. It was called (most chillingly) “Close your eyes and I’ll put this in your mouth and you tell me what it is”. We decided to try it. Jeana declined the invitation to play.
It was ugly.
We limited ourselves to three seperate cupboards, and the entries had to be room temperature, powdered, dried, crushed, granulated, liquid, or syrupy. We weren’t allowed to open an unopened package, which sadly eliminated powdered cheese from Mac’N’Cheese, powdered sauce mixes, and powdered stuff from Hamburger and other various Helpers. We also disallowed Pancake Mix (ugh) baking soda and powder, sugar, salt, flour, and dexahydroxide brominate. Oh, and non-foodstuffs, which gladly eliminated ‘Stiffy’, a grossly mistitled liquid starch product, most detergents, congealed grease et al. No premade foodstuffs, left-overs, fridge immigrants, or stuff-left-on-the-stove-or-table-for-the-last-few-days. A spoonful apiece was the serving size.
It was ugly.
Jeana’s brother Gabe went first. The rotation went:
I fed Gabe
I fed Jon
Jon fed me
Jon fed Gabe
Gabe fed Jon
Gabe fed me
Repeat
It was ugly.
Gabe got to drink some liquid smoke. I don’t remember what Jon got first.
I then drank some ‘Rum Extract (35% alcohol)’ very yuck. But, I convinced everyone it tasted like Egg Nog. They all tried it.
I forget the exact rotations, but we ate:
Alum
Rum Extract
Liquid Smoke (Hickory Flavor)
Hershey’s Cocoa (straight)
Offbrand Cocoa
Home-made Cocoa
Paprika
Cumin
Red Pepper dust
Seasoned Meat Tenderizer
Vanilla
Oregano
Thyme
Coffee (straight)
Green Tea mix
Mustard Seeds
“Butter Buff!” (Just add water!) A nasty, non-buttery tasting butter substitute
Various pickling spices
Many other horrifyingly bad, old, expired spices
The vomiting was barely constrained.
The worst, we voted, was the:
Hershey’s Cocoa
Paprika
Alum
Cumin
Coffee
Liquid Smoke (Hickory Flavor)
and Thyme
Paprika sticks to your mouth and cannot be gotten off. Cumin smells like feet, and Alum tastes like a 9-volt. Cocoa, straight, invoked a gag/vomit reflex in all three of us. It also could not be swallowed.
For some reason, I am quite gassy at the moment. And, I can’t sleep. Jon was complaining of a heart attack, possibly from the Alum. We ignored him.
It was horrible. I urge you all, do not try this. Very gross. I can’t believe that this stuff makes food taste BETTER!
Seriously, it was NASTY.
–Tim
Y’all may be uh think’n I’m uh stup’d fer try’n this’n here, but y’all ferget how bored we’s all’uns get out here inna coun’ry side.
We are the children of the Eighties. We are not the first “lost generation” nor today’s lost generation; in fact, we think we know just where we stand - or are discovering it as we speak.