belladonna, I’m glad to hear you have worked through your own trauma as a nine-year-old. I think I almost know how you felt, I was raped once, but as an adult, by a total stranger that broke into my place. And as for the baseball bat, the first person I called was my aunt. Her son, , my cousin answered the phone, and when he heard what I was saying he dropped the phone, hollered for his Mom, then was at my apartment in under five minutes, with the biggest, most beautiful wooden bat you ever saw in you life. Bats can be comforting.
Baker 
that must have been horrible for you. I think that would have been infinitely scarier, in a way. Being old enough to understand what’s going on. Being experienced enough to have heard the horror stories about how far it could go, being afraid for your life. Ugh. Your cuz sounds like a prince. Do you mind if I ask whether you were able to press charges? I never did and have often wondered if it would have made any difference in the way I dealt with it.
An update on FA–He and Sue never showed for our pre-scheduled plans last night or even called to test the waters. I called Sue this morning to make sure we were still cool–she says of course we are. Embarassed, she explained that FA didn’t want to come because I wouldn’t want to see him (give the man a prize!) and because I needed to “calm down” some and apologize for “picking on him”. What the fuck!? He insinuates that I’m lying about an intensely personal experience so that he can win a petty argument, and I’m to apologize to him? Hello–are you smoking crack?
For the record, accusing a woman of lying about a rape will have one of two painfully predictable outcomes.
a) She is lying, and as such is completely unhurt by your accusations of dishonesty. Congratulations, you’ve gained nothing.
b) She’s not lying and you’ve just belittled an experience that she may or may not have even come to terms with. You’ve stripped her, in that moment, of the tenuous grasp she has on her dignity when she’s speaking of the rape. You’ve basically spit on every tear she’s ever shed over the incident. You’ve mocked her pain. Congratulations, you’re an asshole of the first order.
And to then suggest that the person that you’ve insulted in this manner apologize to you? I can’t even begin to grasp the mental processes necessary to reach such a conclusion. I will NEVER apologize to this fuck. He can eat monkey feces and die for all I care. Ass.
bella
Maybe try having alcohol-free get togethers and see if the evening is even half as volatile.
I doubt it. If the guy has sobered up and still thinks she owes him an apology, then it’s not the booze, it’s the fact that he’s such an enormous asshole he’s got his own gravity well.
I personally just simply wouldn’t be around him, and tell your friend that her boyfriend is not welcome to join you until you get an apology that sounds actually sincere, and that if he ever says anything like that again, he is banned for a minimum of 3 years (or whatever), no matter how much he apologizes.
I swear I’m going to print that and carry it with me. There are several men I want to tell the same thing, and I have never been able to express it that well.
Then if they ever make a rape joke in front of me again I’ll go for the baseball bat.
How long have they been going out? I hope their relationship isn’t serious - imagine having children with that shocking example of humanity.
I was imagining what I’d do if I were in Sue’s position and it had been my boyfriend acting like that. And I started to get really ashamed, and a little angry at him, until I realised that, uh, embarrassed cough, he didn’t actually say those vile things.
Gay Dopers only. That way, no crime will be committed.
Gay people have all the fun.
::sniff::
cazzle and Miller, that one-two punch there was beautiful. classic.
heeheehee
Sue and FA have been together about 4 years. I knew FA back in high school way before I met Sue. I met her through him. I don’t know how she deals with this–like I said, his moments of supreme assitude are sporadic, but he’s always a little gruff. I will be honest though and say that I’ve never seen him treat Sue poorly. He just doesn’t like being contradicted, so I think Sue has him set on “muted drone” most of the time so that doesn’t become an issue. At least she doesn’t make excuses for him–she knows as well as I do that he was in the wrong here.
This is just so ridiculous! I heard from a third friend–who wasn’t here that night–that FA told him last night that he made a bit of an ass out of himself. (you think?) So do you think he’ll just admit that to me and apologize? I doubt it. What I’m predicting is that, over the next few days, he’s going to realize that no one is going to want to be on his side, and he’ll try to slink back into the group like nothing’s happened. That way, enough time will have gone by that I’ll look like the petty one for not just “letting it go”.
Grrrrrr. This guy’s entire problem is that too many people do just that, rather than butt heads with him.
cjhoworth had it dead on, I think. He’s convinced that everyone feels the way he does, but are too afraid to say–so he’s the big system-bucking, painfully honest, rebel-boy who says it like it is.
:sigh: I’m too old for this shit.
Why would your friend, the only one who knew about it, even bring up the matter of rape, in a way that from your description seems like they were joking about it? Or is it only funny when its about gay males in prison? Having said that, the guy really needs to learn that what he said was very offensive, but your friend joked about rape even though she knew your story. I don’t understand what either was thinking.
OH MY GOD! What a fucking arsehole! I feel furious after reading that. How dare someone make an assumption like that. What, was he fucking there? God Belladonna I can only imagine how furious, hurt and upset you must have been/probably still are. What a waste of skin he is.:wally
So he knows women personally who said they were raped when they haven’t been. Could he, perchance, be the accused? (Date rapers routinely view it as taking advantage rather than rape.)
As disgusted as I am with this guy I’m not going to claim, in any way, that he’s a rapist himself. Like I said, he and Sue have been together for four years and he treats her well enough. He’s just an ass–he says something not expecting to get called on it and then when he is, instead of just admitting ingnorance or backing down he gets all defensive, tries to justify himself, and makes it ten times worse.
Why he seems to think women lie about rapes is beyond me, but my bet would be on pigheadedness rather than criminality. Maybe he thinks we get a new toaster when we join the victim club or something.
Nightime–BGF wasn’t joking about prison rape, he was just trying to convey to FA that a gay who beat a straight very much is committing a crime. A crime for which he might be imprisoned, in which case the punishment would be the same as for a straight. Shitty food, uncomfortable bed, large menacing cellmate with lecherous intentions, group showers… BFG was just kind of going through a list of all the crap you have to deal with in prison–trying to get FA to see that he was being silly pretending that gays aren’t punished for crimes. That’s when FA jumped in with his “joke”.
So as far as it only being funny when it’s gay men in prison, definitely NOT. That was my whole point–rape is rape, regardless of sexual orientation, and not something to be flippant about.
bella
I don’t think he was making a joke, but rather pointing out the reality of what would happen.
<dons asbestos suit and 4,000,000 SPF sunblock>
A comedian (who, IIRC was George Carlin) had a bit about rape never being funny. He said to imagine Porky Pig raping Daffy Duck.
And while the asbestos suit and 4,000,000 SPF are still on, I’d also like to say that I, a person who was once raped, agree with Neils Bohr.
Some things are so serious you just have to laugh at them sometimes.
Flame away.
</removes asbestos suit>
Anyway I do agree this FA person is being a fucknugget and should be sternly reminded that when he acts like that, it seems as if the best part of him ran down his mother’s ass crack and ended up as a brown stain on the sheet (thank you FMJ).
He’s a turd, an unfunny one, and not a good drunk. But perhaps he’s one of those people for whom alcohol is really ‘asshole miracle grow’.
I read an article in Discover magazine some years back that they did a study on laughter/humor/jokes and found that people tended to laugh at things that made them nervous. Pre-THE PILL, dead baby jokes were in vogue.