I have a friend, a twenty-two year old male. He and I have a pretty solid group of buddies. We’ve known each other for a long time now. About a week ago, our group went out drinking. We enjoy ourselves, laugh a lot, drink a lot–the usual. Then this friend of mine decides to talk to us about the time his female basketball coach touched him inappropriately when he was very young. He wouldn’t go into the details of it, but I swear, I could see how difficult it was for him let it all out. I was about to reach out and comfort him when the rest of our friends just laugh at him. They tell him he was lucky since he “got some” really early in life.
I was pissed.
Ever since that night, this friend of mine has become more reserved. He’s spending less time with us and he just isn’t the same guy anymore. The whole thing has taken a toll on him and I’m really worried. His mental health seems to have been getting worse since the whole fiasco.
I’m not really expecting anyone to give me advice on this. I just really wanted to let this out. Sexual assault isn’t funny. And if a woman sexually assaults a man, the man isn’t automatically “lucky” because he “got some”.
That was definitely crappy of them. I suspect they were so embarrassed that they joked to hide their feelings–isn’t that pretty typical of young men? Not an excuse in any way. It makes me wonder if the same thing might have happened to some of them.
It’s just now bothering people when men grab and molest women during the normal course of a school/work day. But female-to-male harrassment/grabbing so far doesn’t evoke the same level of outrage–yet. However, it can be soooo damaging, and I suspect is it quite prevalent. It may take another decade before it’s okay for men to speak up.
I found out years into a relationship that wasn’t working that my (long-ago) bf’s single mother routinely grabbed and fondled him when he was a little boy (around age 10). No wonder he was afraid of being close! He was at her mercy with nowhere to turn. This happened well over 60 years ago. When he got into his late teens, she tried it one more time, and he decked her. They both got therapy and managed to have a relationship for the rest of her long life. I never could stand the woman.
Terry Crews, current actor and former NFL linebacker, has been speaking out about this recently. He’s doing the world a great service. I think in your place I would message your friend, “hey you said something the other night that bothered me and I want to talk to you about it,” and at least try for an opportunity to tell him it’s okay to feel violated and nowhere near lucky.
Please reach out to this friend and share with him, what you’ve shared with us. It sounds like it could really help him to know you felt this way, and did NOT think it was funny. I know it might be uncomfortable for you, but do it anyway.
That’s probably why he didn’t tell a male coach or a teacher, even his Dad! Because they would’ve said ‘what are complaining about, Its your lucky day!’ The whole male thing in this is just disgusting. The poor guy.
I was just having a conversation with a female friend of mine the other day. We were talking about how oftentimes (relationship) break ups can be more difficult for men, because men aren’t “allowed” to talk about their feelings and let it all out.
I think the same principle applies to the OP. Although I hate saying that because that makes it sound like I’m being dismissive towards the issues women face. Which is not my intent.
There’s a larger and more pernicious attitude that gets incorporated into the attitude towards male victims of female-culprit sexual assault. It’s an attitude that doesn’t directly have a damn thing to do with sexual assault, even though it gets applied there along with everywhere else, but it’s a nasty piece of work unto itself.
The social awareness and expectation of female sexuality — distorted though it may be in a zillion other ways — incorporates an acknowledgment of ambivalence, of the possibility of feeling sexually interested or sexually attracted or sexually aroused while, nevertheless, having feelings about that other than hot damn, wheeeee, sex sex sex!
In fact, there’s a general awareness (about female sexuality) that having a sexual response to someone, whether physical or emotional or whatever, involves vulnerability. It’s an appetite, a situation in which one needs something from someone else, and where the fact of having that desire can sort of leave you open (and vulnerable) to variations on that “something” that are not, actually, what you want and need but come close enough to it to confound your filters, your self-protective mechanisms, or your just-plain-old tastes.
We can relate to women in books or films or real life when they discuss being in a situation where a sexually fascinating guy was doing things and where the woman’s reaction was complex and ambivalent and nuanced: “On the one hand, he was handsome and tall and had nice hands and I wanted some of that kind of action, but I wasn’t feeling like he was connecting to me, he was too slick and polished about it, and I didn’t sense an awareness on his part that he acknowledged that I get some say-so about this, that he isn’t just entitled to it because he’s learned his lounge act so well, so I found myself not wanting to, and the more he continued the less I wanted to have anything to do with him”. Or whatever. Right?
Well, yeesh. That’s a part of being human. And it’s a part of sexuality that isn’t generally acknowledged when the subject matter is male folks. That sexual feelings tend to involve a lot of ambivalence and that they incorporate vulnerability.
His friends were reacting in a typical manner of men within the culture under those circumstances. I advise other men not to do the same thing. Now, reach out to your friend, I think this was already a problem for him or he wouldn’t have brought it up, he may need to talk about this in a situation where the subject will be taken seriously.
Excellent idea. His friends do not realize it, did not intend it, but they have doubled down on the violation of trust that is already affecting him and he needs some help.
When I was in college, I worked with a woman who also worked at a group home for teenage boys who had been in various kinds of trouble. One thing they all had in common was a history of sexual abuse - and the most common perpetrator was a teenage female babysitter. :eek: That was followed by mom’s best friend, best friend’s mom, older sister’s friends, that kind of thing. She said that if she ever had kids, she would NEVER hire teenage girls to watch them, and would be less fearful of her daughters being molested than she would her sons.
Of course, the boys didn’t think it was abusive, but it messed with them in ways that even now, 25 years later, often aren’t discussed.
RAINN would also have resources for him. Their emphasis is on female victims, but they know that men can be victims too.
What does this revelation have to do with anything? Are you making some kind of point relevant to the discussion on the table? if so, please spell it out, because it flew over my head.
I suspect they were so embarrassed that they joked to hide their feelings–isn’t that pretty typical of young men? Not an excuse in any way. It makes me wonder if the same thing might have happened to some of them.