Damn poison ivy.
Scratch them 
Did your holiday weekend have you rolling around in the poison ivy?
I’m sure you have an excellent reason for rubbing poison ivy on your nipples. I can’t imaginge what it might be, but I’m sure you have one.
Thanks for the mental image of you walking around shirtless with two pink dots of calamine lotion on your chest.
Possible Reason #1: Someone switched your shower lotion with poison ivy?
I’m sure it was the squirrels… they snuck in to Castle Welby in the middle of the night with two leaves of poison ivy and rubbed them on Welby’s nipples!
You know an allergic reaction to poison ivy can cause swelling and the additional aggravation of the skin cause by the subsequent itching can cause even more swelling… **welby[/], is there something else you need to get off your chest?
Somehow, I didn’t expect to come back from vacation, only to be confronted with welby’s nipples. I’m sorry - I can’t deal with this…
:eek:
Aw great…
One little psychosomatic suggestion, and there I go.
I may have to change bras!
I was doing yard work, mainly copping down green living things because they offend me. I want only dead and dying things cluttering up my yard. Makes the whole place less appetizing to squirrels.
It was hot, so I exposed my nipples to the air (took off my shirt) and when I was taking a load of green things that I had chopped down to the trash bin I failed to notice that some of the green stuff was poison ivy. I’m terribly allergic to the stuff.
Now my nipples are all swollen and itchy. I hate poison ivy. HATE IT.
Yard work? Is that what we’re calling it these days? 
Great idea, Welby, darling, telling everyone you have poison ivy (wink, wink), but I think AngelicGemma is on to us.
I promise to be more gentle next time!
Is there anybody but me out there who doesn’t feel the least bit sorry for this dope?
Your biggest problem here, buddy, is that you just don’t Pay Attention.
That’s how the squirrels got into your house. You are guilty of a Lack Of Vigilance. And Vigilance is what maintains our liberty. Goof.
If you bring up the episode with the bats, I’m going to have to slap you. Because that was completely different.
would you like a job doing weekend gardening, welby?
Normally when nipples itch is cos you’re horny…
Or pregnant and they’re growing…
Have any calomine lotion? If not, work a bit of honey into oatmeal until thick - no, not for lunch - and dob on the affected area. Jewelweed extract from an herbal store is meant to relieve it overnight.
More fantastic ideas from the Poison Ivy, Oak and Sumac Information Center.
If it gets really bad you may need to see a GP.
Now, pardon me whilst I go itch my nips…
Look, Ex old pal, I’m as vigilant as the next guy who’s been working in the 90+ degree highly humid NOVA envoirnment for 5 or 6 hours. Which is to say, of course, not very. And the squirrels, as I’ve pointed out before, were let into the house by my traitor of a daughter, who left her window open.
The bats are hardly a different story, my “vigilant” friend.
Just so you know, my swollen, itchy nipples are now covered in calamine lotion, and I’m taking an antihistamine.
I’m trying to understand how you just got the poison on your nipples and nowhere else. Are they so prominent that they stuck out into the poison patch, while the rest of your chestal region remained clear? :eek: Maybe the next time you decide to work in the yard shirtless, you should consider pasties… No, I don’t think that would undermine your masculinity. Seriously. It’d be fine.
It’s gonna take an ocean
Of calamine-a lotion…
My nipples explode with delight!
It’s not just on my nipples, FCM, but they are definitely the part that itch the most. I’m not going to mention that I’m wearing little round band-aids on my nipples to keep the chafing down, because that would be embarrassing.
:eek: ::claw:: My eyes!! My eyes!!