I have developed a rash.
Eww, you say. Yeah, I see you backing away, nose turned up in disdain, like you stepped in something gooey.
Hey, look. I didn’t plan this! It just happened. Sit down, lemme 'splain. No, there is no time. Let me sum up.
Last week my bottle of Axe deodorant ran out, so I started using the new bottle. New “flavor” - “Phoenix.”
A few days later I noticed I was itching a lot in my armpits. Ow, ow, ow. This happened before when I was using Irish Spring soap, and since I had also just begun using a new soap, I discontinued it and made a quick stop for a different kind.
Few days after that, though, it was getting worse, and that’s when I figured it had to be the Axe.
The Axe, I tell you. Gives you sharp pain.
I deduced it was the Axe because other areas of the body were unscathed, except for across the tummy (I usually give one swoop with whatever deodorant) and a little at the base of the neck. Them’s deodorant areas.
Today, the rash was worse. It’s all over the armpits and a little on the chest. I have been holding my arms out all day to make it easier. When I got home, I put on some calamine lotion, then some aloe, then some Vaseline Intensive Care.
I caught my mom in IMs (!) and she said to use the calamine lotion liberally. Also advised me to get baby powder and chloratrimetron.
Ow, ow, ow. Bad place to get all rashomon. Arm hits chest, rubs 'gainst it like sandpaper on a two-by-four.
Took four ibuprofren for the pain. Did I mention this hurts a lot? Admittedly, I haven’t felt real pain in life, such as giving birth or passing a kidney stone. But damn, compared with everything else I’ve had up to now, this is near the top. Ow!!
Ow.