I had an affair in 1966, it lasted about a year, the lady in question became
pregnant and I assumed it was my child. We were both married at the time. I went to
Vietnam in late '66 and she went to live w/ her parents. I found out later that it may
not have been mine, but I always thought the probability was high that it was. I’ve had
no contact of any kind since '66, but tonight I received an email from a young woman
who claims to be that child. She says her mother gave her my name and she managed
to find me through the internet. (she found a post I made on another site that included
my email address). She included a few details that convince me that she’s very
probably who she says she is. At this point she only knows that my name is the same
as the one given to her by her mother. She says she wants to meet her “real” father.
She also says that nothing her mother has told her, “bothers” her.
My first inclination was to respond to her email and tell her that I am the person she’s
seeking. I live alone, so there’s no one else, in my life, to consider. Then It occurred
to me that I might want to think this through before I get myself involved in something
that may not be what it seems.
I sure could use some input on this.
Dad???
Just kidding. Seriously though, this is a tough one. I am a child of almost EXACTLY the same kind of situation, so I can tell you that it’s a delicate situation. I tried to contact my father when I was fourteen, and he denied any involvement of the situation. He told me that my mother was a liar, and that there was no way he was my father. That was twelve years ago, and I still get weepy when I dwell on it. It might be a dream come true for this girl if you get involved in her life, but it’s all up to you at this point. Good luck.
There’s always a paternity test… For an appearance fee and some public humiliation, Maury Povich will even pay for it.
If it was me, I’d agree to meet her. There’s something about the genetic connection that I would need to pursue. You could go into genetic testing to make sure she’s your daughter if you feel any doubt about the validity of her claim.
If it turns out she’s not your daughter, well…maybe you’ve made a good friend out of the deal.
I think it might help to turn the tables and think about how you’d feel if you were the one wanting to learn about your roots. Would you long to know who your parent is? Would you have questions? Would you want to feel the bond? Looking at it through her eyes might help you decide how to proceed. Best of luck to both of you.
The whole idea that she is not who she professes to be is too convoluted to believe. If she is pulling a swifty on you how does she know your history?
I’d be making contact using all the usual care required when contacting people you have contacted online.
If you’re not wholly opposed to the idea, I think you should at least confirm that she’s reached the person she’s looking for, and take steps from there. She’s well into adulthood now, so I doubt she’s looking for someone to play daddy to her, and may just need some closure on an unwritten chapter in her life. There’s also always the medical value in knowing who your biological parents are, and knowing the medical history of each.
That’s my opinion on the ethical thing to do.
My one concern on the best thing to do for yourself is whether the question of things like back child support could ever come up. I am by no means a lawyer and I have no idea whether that’s a possibility, but I do know that a friend of mine found out that he had fathered a child 14 years before. He had had no contact with either the mother or the child; he had heard that she was pregnant but she told him that he wasn’t the father, and disappeared from his life. 14 years later, lawyers for the state were knocking on his door, and after a protracted court case, he ended up owing the state for 14 years of child support as well as some of the money that she had collected while on welfare. I hate to even mention it for fear that it would cause you to ignore her, but… just something to consider, or at least consider finding out from a lawyer whether you’d be vulnerable to such a claim.
It might be interesting. In your situation, I’d be wanting to explore it further, I’d also be looking to do a genetic paternity test simply to put away any doubts (quite aside from any legal or moral considerations - it’s just best to know that facts).
As with meeting anyone from an internet contact for the first time, you should take along a friend (ideally female and able-bodied) and strongly suggest she does likewise. Meet in a public place.
Because A.R. Cane’s purported child is an adult, this wouldn’t occur. The state, no matter what state, cannot go back decades and establish a case. IANAL, but IAACSO (Child Support Officer). In the case you noted since the child was, well, a child the state is within it’s rights to retroactively seek support. To go back 14 years is horrible though. Here in Minnesota they can go back two years and that’s it - and that’s at the courts discretion. It’s become less common unless the custodial parent really wants a hunk of hide out of the other party.
A.R. Cane, I would respond to her- what do you have to lose? I would ask for more information to be snail mailed (birth certificate? picture of her mother?) and go from there.
Good to know - thanks for clearing that up 
A.R. Cane you should she this through and find out if she is your daughter. It could be great for you, it has a minimal chance of being bad.
You should at least get the paternity test to see if her mother was right.
Just think you can end up with a daughter and not go through the teenage years that I keep hearing are a horror.
Jim
Good comments (except the Povich thing, but I’m sure you were kidding). The mother told me at the time that it was over and she preferred no further contact. I spent much of the next 4 years in Vietnam and I thought the woman had gotten back together w/ her husband.
The child support thing did cross my mind, but I think it seems unlikely to be an issue after almost 40 years. In the short message the young woman sounds intelligent and as if she only wants to fill in the missing pieces, but I’m mildly concerned that she’ll want more than I’m prepared to give emotionally. I’ve always tended to be open, optimistic and trusting, but there have been several incidents where that got me into difficulties. As a result I’ve become much more wary. I have no problem communicating w/ her, but I’m reluctant to agree to a meeting, as I’m somewhat misanthropic, at least in the sense that I enjoy my solitude and avoid much social contact. If that sounds strange, I can only say it’s my life and my choice.
There is another factor. The mother is still in the picture and I don’t want to tell the daughter anything that would cause problems between them. I guess I can try to draw the daughter out and see what her mother has told her about the events back then.
Anymore thoughts will be appreciated. I’ll probably make a decision by this evening.
When my grandmother became pregnant with my father, she married a man. She told that man he was the father, and put that man’s name on my dad’s birth certificate. After a few years, they divorced. My grandmother later died (several horrible marriages later). Many, many years later, my dad, then in his fifties, began searching for the man on his birth certificate. When found, the man told him, “I don’t think I’m your father.”
They did genetic testing, and determined that, in fact, this man is not my dad’s father. Because my grandmother had been dead at that point for twenty years or more, this is now a dead end for my father. I don’t see any way we can find out who his father is. I sometimes think that’s why family is so important to him.
Long digression later, here’s the point: I don’t think you should ignore this young woman, but I also think that having a paternity test is a good idea for both of you. Tell her that you think it is a good idea to get a paternity test done soon so that both of you know for sure that you are related. Tell her that until the test is done, you don’t want either of you to get too invested in a relationship that may not really exist. Good luck with this.
Hey, now! I resemble that remark!
I was serious about having the DNA test done, but not the Maury part. 
Campion
Thanks, you made me laugh at the end, but also reminded me of this.
My Mother-In-Law is now in her late 60’s. She never knew her Dad and the family members that did never told her anything about him, even when she asked.
She hired a detective at one point but still found nothing useful.
She has been haunted by this lack of knowledge most or her life. She would have liked to know something about her Father and also know about his family for health reasons.
A.R. Cane: I really think you should contact this woman who may well be your Daughter.
You could be really easing her mind. You might even really like her.
Jim
Gotcha’! DNA: Good suggestion. Airing my personal life on TV, no way Jose!
Congrats on making it through Nam…this should be alot easier than recon.
I am a kid of the same sort of situation, but for some reason (maybe becasue the family I already KNOW is so messed up) I’ve never had any real desire to get in touch with the guy-- I’m not even sure if he knows that I exist. The only thing I’m curious about is racial heritage, on some vague level, and genetics-- like, as I reach middle age what I might expect regarding cancer, heart disease, etc. I’d really rather not know too much, though, and I’d really rather not complicate some guy’s life suddenly.
If it was me, I’d be dying of curiousity to find out what she was like.
Good luck with whatever route you take.
Thanks for all the comments and encouragement. I replied to the msg. about an hour ago and I await an answer.
I’ll post more if things progress.
Umm, you are aware that you are airing your personal life to everyone in the world with an internet connection, aren’t you?