Do you *want * to communicate with her, or meet her? If not, don’t do it. Do not communicate with her (or meet her) for her sake alone.
A cousin of mine was in a similiar situation about 5 years ago. He fathered a child in 1969 when he was 16 but was never told about it. Many years later a girl comes a calling claiming to be his daughter and wanting to get to know his family. It was proven she was his daughter. It turned out she was looking for some easy money and when that did not happen, she made some threats about child support but disappeared as quickly as she showed up. He hasn’t seen or heard from her since.
Not really the same, no visuals, and a few less Yokels watching. 
I would meet her and suggest a paternity test, just to make sure.
It would be nice for her to know her medical history and perhaps her ancestors. I’m sure she will want to hear you war stories.
As far as her mother goes, well, I don’t think she has a vote in the matter any more. You have a right to tell your daughter you point of view of what happened. Your daughter is an adult now.
Heck, maybe you are a grandfather!
True, but we’re not jumping up and down on the chairs screaming “Jer-ry! Jer-ry!” or “OHHH NO YOU DI’INT!”, at least not unless this moves to the pit.
A.R. Cane, Keep us posted! I would suggest a paternity test as well. I do hope that you will decide to have a relationship with her. It’s doubtful that at her age she will occupy much of your time and energy.
I’m glad you contacted her. I’d definitely get the paternity test, but I think that really, if she’s your daughter, this can only be good. There’s no reason for you to allow her any closer than your comfortable with, and there’s also the possibility that this could be a great joy for you. You might have grandchildren! An entire extended family, ready made for you to enjoy!
No matter what happens, I think you did the right thing. Good luck!
A.R.Cane, I am also a person who values solitude and I understand that. You can, with kindness and honesty, make that clear to the young woman who has asked for information. If she knows that before you go very far with this, then you won’t be as likely to hurt her feelings. (You can even show her this thread; it says it well.)
What you choose to tell her about the past is your business, but is there any point in hurting her? Some things are better left unsaid and can serve no purpose. I’m not jumping to conclusions – just trying to think ahead. I do know that it is a wonderful feeling to know that you were conceived in genuine affection.
I hope that you will allow her to continue to contact you with any questions that she has about your family history. Anything – even little habits or ways of doing things – that she might share with your mother or your sister will give her a sense of being grounded – of having a place and a meaning. These things can be very important to a woman.
Bless you for taking the risk and opening up. *I can’t tell you how much I envy you. *
DOPER UPDATE!
I have been in contact w/ my daughter for the past 10 days. Numerous emails and
two lengthy phone calls have all but confirmed we are, indeed, father and daughter.
We have broached the subject of DNA confirmation, and she is in agreement. I’m
going to initiate another thread on this.
She is intelligent, articulate, sweet and beautiful (I’ve got pix). While I’m not given to
emotional reactions, I have to confess that this is touching me deeply.
Thanks for all the tips, opinions, stories and advice, it was a big help.
I think that she may join us on the board and I’m sure she has something to
contribute.
More as it unfolds.
Your OP gave me chills.
Three years ago I was contacted by the daughter I surrendered to adoption over 25 yrs ago. I never imagined such a thing would happen for me.
I felt similarly to what you are feeling, some reticence about whether I was capable of the emotional commitment contact might generate. I never had another child, how much ‘parent’ could I possibly be?
We were both very cautious, and we agreed from the start to go very slowly, and so can you. I highly recommend you stretch it out and take your time, taking baby steps. It will be very important to move at a comfortable pace for your ultimate success. There are a lot of ways of coming into reunion, people are all different. Some people throw a family reunion and introduce, into their warm embrace, the ‘newest member’, this approach would have mortified me and my daughter, we knew we weren’t up for that. We went very slowly working up to talking on the phone, and meeting in person.
But I’m here to tell you my world will never be the same again. The truth is you have carried with you, all these years, this unresolved thing, and it is a sort of injury to the spirit to have a child, or the possibility of one, and have no contact. You got over it, you moved on, but it’s still there, you must have reflected on it over the years, surely. This is the healing of that spiritual injury being handed to you by the universe, don’t miss your chance.
I am thrilled for you, it will be quite a ride, I know, but it will be worth it, a thousand times over. Though we’ve yet to meet, I speak with her parents and exchange 'Merry Christmas’s" each year, and they never fail to tell me how happy they are, and how wonderful it’s been for her, that they see a real change in her sureness and comfort with herself, her ease, her grace. I never fail to be amazed by this conversation. Mine is a small life, I am an unremarkable being but it’s enough somehow.
Go get some lottery tickets, my friend, for this is most assuredly your luckiest day.
Gotta love the Internet.
In the last 4 years I have contacted or been contacted by the son I gave up for adoption as well as my biological siblings (I was adopted myself, at birth). It’s been all good. Last summer I went out (accompanied my my children, including the lost-to-adoption son and his family) for a reunion with my siblings. My daughter-in-law said it seemed to her no different from any other family reunion and it’s true that I feel I fit in with this family very well.
Oh and yes, I did get to find out that I was a grandmother. (So much for the question “Any grandchildren that you know of?”)
All this was accomplished via the Internet and some luck. My son had been looking for 10 years and probably would have located me eventually via the adoption-search network in the state where I lived when he was born, but I had been looking for my birth parents forever and don’t think I would have found them without the marvelous search facilities of the Internet.
I have also located, but not contacted, my biological father. In fact he abandoned pretty much his whole family for 50+ years (not just my siblings, but his own mother & brother) so that may not happen. But at least I know he’s alive.
Here goes nothing! I am the daughter A.R. Cane is referring to, and I just want to thank each and every person for their comments. I can fully appreciate everything that has been said so far. It touched me that all the comments were well thought out, and gave very sound advice. If I wasn’t the person in these shoes, I probably would have said much of the same. I will see what comes of this post and add more.
Thank You!!
Congratulatios. Everything seems to turn for the best. I really like to read about such stories.
It finally dawned on me in my thirties that the “father” mom insisted be on my birth certificate couldn’t be my real father. She fell ill shortly after I realized this, and took the secret with her to the grave.
I’d love to find out who my real father was. If by some miracle I ever did, and contacted him, it wouldn’t be because I wanted back child support, nor would I be looking for someone to suddenly be my dad and make up for 40 years of not having one. I’d just be really, really curious about my geneology, possible medical issues, what, if any brothers or sisters I have out there somewhere, and just what the heck I’m going to look like as I grow older. Am I going to have hair growing out my ears?? I need to know these things!
Alas, I don’t see any way I ever will.
Welcome, melunz67!
Yours, and other stories here, are truly touching. Hearing from my daughter has
awakened feelings that I haven’t felt in years and believe me when I say that I’m not
normally given to voicing sentiment, especially in a public forum.
I know that I can’t undo the past, but I, very much, want to be her “Dad” and have an
important place in her life from here on out. That’s not a position for her to accept,
but rather a place for me to earn.
This is a life changing experience and I really do appreciate all the posts made here.
This is a pretty amazing thread and that has nothing to do w/ my initiating it, but everything to do w/ the contributions of others.
Welcome and Congrats on finding your Father. I hope this works out great for both of you.
Jim
A.R. Cane, I am glad you decided to contact melunz67.
I think you will both be better off for it. Thank you for the update and sharing the unfolding story with us.
Just think 2005 will be the year you got a daughter for Christmas (or winter celebration of your choice) .
Sorry for the double post I hit submit too soon.
Jim
Thanks. Your observation of my “Christmas gift” was not wasted on me.
Thanks also for your earlier graciousness and generosity, w/o that this story would
not be unfolding here on SDMB.
What a great story, with a wonderful ending! A.R. Cane, I hope you keep us updated, and melunz67, welcome to the Dope and we all hope that you stick around for a while!