My younger sister (she’s 40) had a heart attack today. She’d been having pains in her upper chest (she described it to me as feeling like a muscle strain) since probably Wednesday night – she called me (I live 400 miles away) on Wed. night to tell me this. Given her beloved 17 yr. old kitty had died the night before, we both thought it was stress and all that hiccupy crying she’d been doing. Her two kids were also driving her nuts (8 and 10 and both a handful, and she’s a single mom).
Well, this afternoon, her best friend called me from the hospital to tell me Elaine was taken from the MedCheck where she’d gone because she wasn’t feeling well to the closest ER. Her friend is watching the kids.
I talked to my sister a few hours later, after frantically looking for phone numbers of other relatives who are closer to her – someone in the same state would be nice. Elaine sounded ok, but tired. Her blood pressure dropped while she was talking to me, but they got that stabilized and I called back a while later.
The kids will be taken care of tonight by her friend, and tomorrow by a family friend. They expect Elaine will leave the hospital Tues., and with all her friends, the kids will be covered, no doubt.
I don’t understand this. She’s younger than me, eats fairly healthy, has never smoked or done drugs or drunk much (she admitted to me she’d never been drunk in her life), and while heavy, has taken up regular walking in the past year. She’s got two little kids who depend on her. She’s always giving to other people – her friend who called from the hospital has MS and Elaine has been there for her every day, helping out and supporting her.
And this happened the day before the 10th anniversary of our mother’s death, which devastated both of us. Our mom died of a staph infection at 57 on Jan. 29. The frantic phone calling and sense of helplessness I’ve been going through today has taken me back to that time, which was a nightmare on many levels.
And I am also feeling horrible – it should be me laying in that hospital bed. I’m the one that smokes like a chimney, eats like crap, abused OTC diet pills for years and had rheumatic fever twice. You’d think I’d be the candidate. Yet while my sister was getting a stent put in, I was walking the dog in the sunshine at the park. It ain’t fair!
So I post this, hoping that some of you will know how I can help her. I called my boss as soon as I heard, and am prepared to spend a few days with her. It’s a logistical nightmare – I’m the only editor and writer for a small newspaper, and it’s almost impossible to get someone to take over my job for a few days. When I’m up there, I don’t know what I can do for her, though, except help with laundry or shopping. I don’t know what kind of restrictions they might put her on, but I want to help. Any ideas?
Sorry so long.
Yikes, I’m sorry. Getting up there to spend some time just being with her is probably the best thing you can do. Just being available for whatever she needs from you, even if it’s just your presence.
Wow, how scary for both of you. Who knows why this stuff happens to one person and not another? If she’s inclined to be the sole caretaker, quite likely she’s not taking care of herself in the same way that she cares for others and could be very stressed both emotionally and physically from all of that. You, as her older sibling, being there for her to help out may be just what she needs. You may be the one person that she accepts help from.
When you’re in a position of always taking care of others, sometimes, when you get really exhausted by it, you think, in the back of your mind, “I wish someone would take care of me.” Now, being the sort of person you described, it’s probably a fleeting thought, one she brushes off quickly as selfish and self-pitying and then quickly moves on with her day. But I bet she wishes sometimes that your mom was there, just to hear her voice and know that there’s someone who, above all else, cares about your sister’s needs, the one person that always took care of her. It’s somehow ok to rely on your mom, even if you can’t allow yourself to rely on anyone else. She may allow you to temporarily fill that role.
As for your job…you know what? It’ll be there next week. And someone will get the paper out (or not) and there’ll be another paper next week. The world will not collapse, the sun will not burn out, the polar ice caps will not melt. There will be a paper next week. I’m basically in the same position as you. Editor, production and sometimes writer of a small weekly. I do have a few excellent writers, though, so I’m not doing it all myself (although I have in the past when we were short staffed). When my father passed away a few years ago, long story short, my boss left me to do not only my paper, but his as well, as he left on his planned family vacation. Never contacted me, knowing my dad had died, just left. I did it and never even got an acknowledgment from the jerk. Looking back, it wasn’t worth it. The papers would have either gotten out somehow or not and if anyone didn’t understand the circumstances, oh well. Your sister is a lot more important than any job. And if you’re the one person she has, don’t even think twice about it. Someone else can put out the paper, or not. No one else can fill your role in your sister’s life. What’s going to be more meaningful in the end?
Best of luck to you both.
You and your sister both have my very best wishes. Hope everything turns out for you. (((hugs)))
Talked to my sister today, and they’re letting her out Monday. She’s better, but will need help, I’m sure, at least during this transitional period. It hasn’t sunk in yet what kind of changes she may have to make to get things in perspective and get her health back.
She’s an extrovert who puts other people’s feelings first – and masks a lot. My aunt and I were talking about it, and she said that Elaine always sounds so cheerful, that nothing bothers her. I get a different perspective, because she will say things to me that I know are gnawing at her. When my Mom died, most of the “crisis management” that she’d done with Elaine shifted to me, and I was unprepared. I use to think Mom should have left me a manual to deal with her sometimes! Our Dad died a year and a half later, three days after Elaine gave birth to her second child, and I thought she was going to have a nervous breakdown. Actually, I’m surprised she didn’t. Her bonehead of a husband at the time (now ex, and I gladly paid for the divorce lawyer) was absolutely no help. I moved in with my dad a couple of months before he died, because he was getting to a point he couldn’t take care of himself, so I was up there to help out some and just listen to her and give her a different outlook.
I told her today that she was pretty doggone lucky. First, many younger women ignore the signs of a heart attack until it’s too late. And she’s young, so making necessary changes may be easier for her. She agreed. We still don’t know why she had a heart attack, as the cardiologists are evaluating the tests.
And Salem you’re absolutely right. I will go in to work tomorrow and work something out so I can take a long weekend with her. I’ll have to rent a car, since mine is blowing oil and I can’t trust that I’ll not get stranded between here and there, plus I need to get a kennel for the dog. They’ll have to do without me for a few days – hey, maybe they’ll appreciate it me more when I’m gone! 
If she has internet access, can you do some of your job from her place via internet? I would think you could be e-mailed the copy, make your corrections and e-mail them back.
But you should be able to take time in an emergency, so don’t sweat it if you can’t to that.
Best of luck with your sister - she’s going to need to learn some stress-management changes, I think.
StG