He has had a crush on this Muslim girl for about 18 months now, and I for one was shocked but what he said next was more revealing. He then told me he had confided in his friend and then (under pressure) told him to tell her about the way he felt about her, but he was trying to relieve some of the pressure of keeping his crush a secret, far from doing that it inflamed the situation to even greater heights, forcing him to keep a low profile and literally his mouth shut for the next 18 months of his school life in fear of retalitation and generally fear of embarassment.
The girl was flattered but not interested, but later on the plot thickens, so anyway he has to literally ignore this girl for the rest of the 18 months to stop the secret coming out. This, he learns, upsets her as she thinks he dislikes her and then during the last weeks of planned education, she writes in the year book:
’ I haven’t had the guts to tell you, I am so sorry of my bad attitude towards you in year 10, I really enjoyed our time together in yearly, year 10. I will miss you. seeya . Bye. Luv Lubna’
What does this mean? Does she still have feelings for my son? My son went through some sort of a bad patch after this because it was his fault, and not any of hers. He wants to tell her this, but how should he, he feels wounded and tells me he get ‘butterflies’
everytime he goes near her, because of all the past they have together.
He tells him he sent her and her brother a Christmas card, but it was really for her. He’s got something like 2 and a half weeks to tell her how he feels. I feel sick to think that my son cannot like whoever he wants due to peer pressure and embarassment of his feelings. What feeling do you think she has for him.
Please help me help my son his heart is bleeding. thanx
Tell him that she would have liked to have been more friendly to him. not that she would have liked to have been his girlfriend, but that she was upset that her not liking him “in that way” caused her not to be friends with him.
It is a hard situation to be in, because I’ve been there.
Tell him to listen to some music that makes him happy, to write about it, even if he is going to burn the results after. It helps to get things out, even if its not to you or to a friend, because he can be completely honest with himself.
If all else fails, send him over to us in Dublin and We’ll get him drunk. never fails to work for me
seriously, best of luck to him. Will he see her next year? will he see her next week?
Be thgankful that he can talk to you in this way. I was nver able to talk like this with my parents, and God knows I needed to.
How relevant is the religious aspect of this? If she’s from a traditional family, a pre-marital relationship with a guy - even a platonic one - is a no-no. Many muslim families in the UK still arrange marriages. To devout muslims, only a musilm man may marry a muslim woman. Your son’s attention may be embarrassing or even a danger to her. She might have to appear cool to him regardless of her real feelings. She could get packed off to the old country to marry a cousin, and/or your son could get a very unfriendly visit from her big brother. (I’d question his cultural awareness - I mean, a Christmas card?)
Still, if she’s at a mixed school, they might be relatively liberal, and the religion isn’t a factor. In which case, it’s just puppy love. They’re 16-17 year olds, right?. Even I’ve been there, and I’m as un-romantic as you can get.
Cold showers. Concentrate on exams.
[Regards to Somerset, btw. Anywhere near Nether Stowey?]
You did say Musim girl, not Arab, or perhaps some nationality usually associated with Islam but containing a few non-Muslims. You meant Muslim, right? If your son is not a Muslim, council him to forget it. It’s not just a “mixed marriage” he’d be contemplating, in the sense of Catholic /Protestant or even Christian/Jew (unless the Jew is orthodox). It is an unthinkable prospect for a devout Muslim and anyone non-muslim. I am not Muslim, by the way, but I know this because I have a cousin who fell in love with a Muslim girl who loved him, too. Their families were good friends, but this particular kind of relationship was anathema to both families. It simply could not happen.
Tell your son to move on. If the girl’s feelings are hurt, that’s better than what would likely happen to her if her family thought she was seriously interested in a non-Muslim. It’s way beyond peer pressure (which, sadly, after 9/11 might be more of an issue than it would have been a year ago). It’s way beyond philosophy. It’s more basic than the two young people can even begin to understand.
They will get over it. (I know, I know, people always say that…but they will.) I wish both of them well.
I realize that the OP said “crush” instead of anything relating to marriage, so I hasten to add that a “casual” relationship between members of the opposite sex would be discouraged as well. It’s just the world we live in.
Just a chime in from me. I didn’t grow up in a practicing-Muslim family, but we were friendly with families who were practicing Muslims. We had to put on our good-little-Iranian faces when we were at Persian gatherings, but what we did at home and outside of that circle was our own business. For the girls who grew up with strict Muslim parents, that was not the case. Of course, this is all ANECTDOTAL. YMMV.
Their teenage girls were not allowed to date. Period. They knew this from early on and I’m certain it affected their social development.
In one case, the girl, M., was sent to uni in another city, because it was a more prestigious school. She of course had to live in the dorms, like all first-years. Her roomate brought her boyfriend over for the day (not an overnight visit). This freaked M. out so much she told her parents about it and they pulled her out of school. She happily transferred to a state school near her parents home so she could live at home.
Her parents had not allowed her develop as an adult living in the US. It’s a very sad story. She got married to another Iranian guy from her medical school class. Apparently, they really didn’t know each other well, and certainly didn’t fall in love, but her parents knew his and they married.
Eep. I’m very glad I my parents are heathens.
What does this mean to your son? Maybe this girl knows that she’d never be able to date your son, so she (possibly wistfully) doesn’t pursue it. Particularly if her brother also attends the same school and could tell her parents what she’s up to if she dates. Her fear of her parents reprisals could be more influential at this point than her feelings for your son.
They both attend mixed school, they had recieved plenty of Christmas cards from other pupils. I don’t think they were insulted. What would the reprisals be if she liked him alot?
Is there anyone who has experienced Muslim/christian relationships where the woman is muslim and the guy is christian, how did it turn out and what hardships did you have to face?
I know her brother and am friends with him so I think either he has a much darker side o him or he’s ok with him.
Montezuma - I do have some experience with this, though not strictly comparable. I’ll spare you the details.
Muslim (Arab, specifically) tradition assumes that the husband is totally in charge, so if a Muslim guy marries a non-Muslim woman, she bows to his faith. No problem. For a Muslim woman to marry a non-Muslim guy is a no-no, because it would mean she ceases to be a Muslim, and apostasy is punishable by death under Muslim tradition. In Malaysia and Indonesia, where people are more laid back, western guys do marry Muslim girls, but they have to convert (at least superficially - the foreskin goes, and you give up beer for Ramadan).
You don’t say where the girl’s family is from. If Bangladesh/Pakistan/Yemen/N African/etc - possibly a big problem. Whatever his age, he should stand back, for her sake. If Albania/Ex-Yugo/maybe Malay - possibly not such a big deal.
Your son is so young, this is beside the point. He’s got a crush (your word). He’ll have to get over it. At that age (IMO), he shouldn’t be getting involved to this extent regardless of the girl’s cultural background.
From what I see here, it’s the “crush” that’s the problem, not the religion - but that’s an additional possible complication.
Anyway. He talks to you about it!!! No way could I have done that with my parents at that age. You’re doing something right.
My psycholigist once sort of tried to set me up with another one of her clients, a 18 year old Muslim
lady. But she told me to watch out for her father coming at me with a knife, so that kinda
discouraged me
i know 2 muslim girls in my class who have non muslim boyfriends (one guy is irish, one scottish) one relationship is sexual, one isn’t. one girl is malaysian, one is mauritian, neither wear hijab.
it’s a bit general to say what a PARTICULAR muslim girl can or will do. it’s like generalising about christians and saying no chrisitan girl would date an atheist or have pre-marital sex.
the best thing he coud do is ask, straight out,
“do you like me? can we go out? if we can’t is it because of your religion/culture/parents?”
and take what she says seriously.
if she says yes, go for it, but abide by whatever rules she lays down. if she says no, move on.
he doesn’t really have a choice.
You are a little too involved in your son’s adolescent love life. You need to take a less sentimental and more practical view of this. Your son’s broken heart will heal. There are some relationships in this world that are not meant to be, and girlfriend/boyfriend inter-faith relationships between minors where one of the parent teams are not onboard are most definitely in this category.
Unless she is open to a more involved relationship in the face of a potentially wrathful mother and father, any serious overture your son makes to her for a “more than a friend” relationship is likely to cause both kids problems.
The year book entry is typical of what a girl would write who doesn’t want to be “dis-liked” by anyone and is trying to make nice to everyone. It still doesn’t mean she has any more real interest in him than before. You need to encourage him to suck it up and move on.
There are Muslims, and then there are Muslims. The larger cultural context and level of observance may be the determining factor here. I’m Jewish (hardly ever observant), and dated a Muslim guy from the former Soviet Union (Russia, specifically Dagestan) for over 2 years. Oddly enough to me, he was full of contradictions. He would drink alcohol and eat pork, but not around other Muslims. He had no problem whatsoever with me being Jewish. In fact, he was studying Hebrew as part of his university program. However, he was very proud that his father had memorized the entire Koran, in Arabic, although he was illiterate in any language.
His parents, whom I unfortunately never got to meet (we were studying in Leningrad, and his parents were back home in Derbent, not too far from Baku), also had no problem with me being Jewish, because, my ex explained, Jews are one of the “peoples of the book.” They did, however, apparently have a problem with my being American, since Americans were imperialist pigs (this was pre-fall of the USSR, and they’d never met a foreigner or even been outside Dagestan into the main part of Russia).
There were some pretty major double standards about dating and sex and women’s roles outside the home; he didn’t think I was a slut for not being a virgin, but he probably would have thought so about a non-virgin Muslim woman from his hometown, because he did realize the significance of cultural relativity. And I was the first person who ever made him think that a woman with brains might want to do something with them besides raise babies.
All in all, is your son’s crush a “reform” or an “Orthodox” Muslim, for lack of a better analogy?
There are Muslims, and then there are Muslims. The larger cultural context and level of observance may be the determining factor here. I’m Jewish (hardly ever observant), and dated a Muslim guy from the former Soviet Union (Russia, specifically Dagestan) for over 2 years. Oddly enough to me, he was full of contradictions. He would drink alcohol and eat pork, but not around other Muslims. He had no problem whatsoever with me being Jewish. In fact, he was studying Hebrew as part of his university program. However, he was very proud that his father had memorized the entire Koran, in Arabic, although he was illiterate in any language.
His parents, whom I unfortunately never got to meet (we were studying in Leningrad, and his parents were back home in Derbent, not too far from Baku), also had no problem with me being Jewish, because, my ex explained, Jews are one of the “peoples of the book.” They did, however, apparently have a problem with my being American, since Americans were imperialist pigs (this was pre-fall of the USSR, and they’d never met a foreigner or even been outside Dagestan into the main part of Russia).
There were some pretty major double standards about dating and sex and women’s roles outside the home; he didn’t think I was a slut for not being a virgin, but he probably would have thought so about a non-virgin Muslim woman from his hometown, because he did realize the significance of cultural relativity. And I was the first person who ever made him think that a woman with brains might want to do something with them besides raise babies.
All in all, is your son’s crush a “reform” or an “Orthodox” Muslim, for lack of a better analogy?
