Sorry you’re going through this. I’m sorry for the pain your wife and you feel, but also for the mixed-up mess of feelings your son must be suffering.
I know it’s laughable to say “don’t take a murder plot personally,” but it bears saying. He’s so mixed up right now, he may not know who the enemy is. Some kids just can’t think far enough ahead to realize how dumb certain ideas are, or how serious and awful the death of a parent would be. It’s terrible to have him wish you dead by his own hand, but remember, this is a kid who also thinks killing himself is a good solution. His thought processes are way, way off.
Oh my God that is…beyond words! I’m so sorry you have had this happen to you. Therapy seems like a good suggestion to be able to deal with such a monumental mindfucker.
I also feel extremely sorry for your son. He has some issues that need to be addressed. Drugs, abuse, psychosis? Hope you guys can help him out…
Welby, what a terrible thing to have to go through. One thing very important at this time is to make sure you keep talking/communicating with the others in the home. You mentioned both kids, do you have only two or are there others. Regardless, often the other children in the home are more in tune with what’s going on with their siblings because they are around each other more. Find out what you can through the other siblings in a non-intrusive, diplomatic way so that there is no feeling of betrayal etc.
I’m also on the same line as Tristan, Meatros and others: find out what you can in his room: Many teens, troubled or not, journal or chat. Check for any ICQ/AIM, MSN , Yahoo log files on the computer. If you need to know how to do this, just post again. I normally would not advocate this breach of privacy but it’s definitely an exception here.
welby, I’m so sorry. I have to agree with Cranky here in that he sounds very irrational. I’m not a psychiatrist/psychologist, but psych was one of the majors I completed, and I went to grad school for a few years for it. One thing that sprung to mind when I read your description was perhaps schizophrenia. If I recall my studies correctly, it seems to manifest itself most frequently in the teenage and young adult years, though I’m thinking your son might be a bit young yet. I’m sure that at least some of the symptoms were from the medication, however. I’m sure that this will be considered in the psych eval, though, and obviously this isn’t anything even resembling a proper diagnosis.
Remember that he might not have a physical journal - if he uses a computer at home, check the bookmarks and recently visited site list to see if he has an online journal.
I don’t know what else to say, except that I hope your son gets the help he needs, and that your family can recover well from this.
This thread has me remembering all the times my mom and stepdad (don’t even want to think about dad) got pissed off at me when I was a teen and smacked me, shoved me, threw things at me and hit me with whatever was convenient.
I never once raised my hand on wither of them. Just took it. It never occured to me to try to hurt them.
When I was getting around 15-16 my stepdad had this thing about my “manners” and my “being rude” and would smack me in the face. When I got fed up with it all I did was block his hand with my arm and tell my mom.
I think I was a very average teen for the most part.
Trouble in school. Had to work to have a car. My girlfriend was very ill and I helped her family care for her.
I never did any drugs and only got in trouble with the law once over something very minor, but I was terribly irresponsible and lazy, and it drove my parents crazy. Hence the hitting.
Why your kid would go so far as this is totally beyond me. I think he’s got serious issues and completely agree with the others that he needs real help.
Wellby, please remember that chemical imbalances in the brain, whether artificially induced or from biological causes like schizophrenia and bi-polar disorder, can cause very bizarre thought processes and behavior. As everyone has said, getting to the bottom of his illness is paramount, but I’m glad to see you see the value of a little therapy for yourself. Please keep us informed of how it’s going.
welby, I know you’re feeling hurt and betrayed and angry right now. If it helps, though, remember this: he wasn’t himself when he attacked you. He was disturbed enough to kill himself, and had god-knows-how-much medication swimming about in his head. He has some problems, obviously, and needs help. His anger, though obviously intense, is artificially induced.
::hugs welby::
Incidentally, the computer time restriction might really be the reason. When I was younger, I had no life, save for the online version. Taking away or restricting my computer time–even when I really was spending way too much time in the virtual world, losing sleep and such–often infuriated me more than any other punishment. I agree with the others who said to check his computer; you might find valuable clues there as to what’s wrong.
welby, I am sorry to hear that you had to experience that. It is not clear what happened to your son. Hopefully, he was taken to an e.r. or to a psychiatric hospital, evaluated, and admitted. If so, they should help you with referrals for services after his discharge. There are a number of levels of care available - a step down from hospitalization would be partial hospitalization, which typically involves a day treatment program. Family based or other in-home services may be available in your area. There are always other traditional outpatient services available, which may focus on your son, you, or your family together. The appropriateness of any of these services will obviously depend on past history and other information not available in your post.
However, if he has not been seen for admission to an inpatient facility, I would strongly recommend that you do so. If the crisis has passed, it is possible that they will decline to admit him, but the combination of suicidal and homicidal ideation and a suicide attempt is extremely serious.
Diagnostically, there is little that can be said with certainty over a virtual connection. It would be better to leave such speculation for providers who have direct contact with your son and yourself.
How horrible for you Welby. I agree with the others that you should look for a diary or similar, and check his computer. Does he have any friends? Talk to them, too.
I wish I knew what to say or do more than {{{{Welby}}}} This is a difficult situation on many levels. I agree with all of the points and suggestion put forth before. I’ll have you in my thoughts.
Your anger is very understandable. Anger is a gut level method of getting control over your life. Your rational mind realizes that it won’t work (and makes life worse in the long run), but your gut still feels the need to beat up on your problems.
One way to deal with the anger is to express it in a non-destructive method. Throwing ice at an outside wall makes nice breaking noises. Or you can make angry animal noises - this works really well if you and your wife have an animal noise argument. You express your anger and get the bonus that you can’t do this for very long without laughing.
The only way you will truly be able to come to terms with your son’s behavior is to get information. Therapy and evaluation on his part, and therapy on your part will help you understand how he got to this point, and how he can get to a better place in life.
My therapist told me that feelings of suicide is the subconscious telling us (badly) that there needs to be a drastic change in our lives. I hope your son can find the right door to a new life.
And before I forget: {{welby, welbywife, & welbyson}}
If you haven’t searched your son’s room yet, talk to the psychologist who is evaluating him and see if he will be willing to help you look through the room. He may or may not go for it, but I’m thinking that he may notice things in your sons room which will help him to make a better evaluation.
And for everyone’s safety I suggest removing any dangerous objects from easy access.
I’m not gonna say anything that hasn’t been said, but I feel the need anyway, so here goes.
First: I’m so very sorry that your family is going through this… I can’t imagine the emotions. Be there for each other, all of you. As others have said, we’re here for you to talk to as well.
Second: IANAP, but I think that therapy for the whole family is imperative, as is tossing his room & computer. Maybe ask a psychologist about advice as to how to talk to his friends - they might (or might not, truthfully) have some insights about feelings your son might’ve had that could’ve contributed to him acting in the way that he did.
Above all, stick with treatment, but I suspect that you know that. Sometimes one thinks that problems have been resolved when they really haven’t.
Good luck, man… I wish I could say or do more for you.
Welby, I’m so sorry for your stress and pain. Please buy a safe or a gun cabinet and lock up any and all medications and possible weapons. Even aspirin.
If the inpatient facility doesn’t require it, make sure you and your wife go to counseling as well.
Again, I’m so sorry. Let us know if we can help in any other way.
You’re in a sucky situation, and I’m sorry. You don’t know me from Adam, but from one human to another, I’m sorry.
I notice a couple of things. First, he was planning to kill himself (2 days ago) before he planned to kill you (yesterday). I wonder how serious he was about it. Of course, I’m not saying dismiss it - if someone claimed they were going to make an attempt on my life, I’d be hurt and angry and watching my back.
I’m also a stepdad, although my son is younger than yours. That doesn’t mean I know what you’re going through, but I do notice you seem more concerned about him trying to kill you than himself. You’re still a parent. In the coming days, you need to be just as concerned about him wanting to end his own life. Sorry, that sucks, but it’s part of what you signed on for.
I’m sorry you’re having to go through this. But I’m glad as hell for your son that he has a parent like you. Otherwise, he’d never make it.
It’s going to take a lot of work to bring him back to reality, to straighten out whatever’s broken in him. On his part, on yours, on the whole family’s part. I’m grateful that you’re going to get the opportunity to do so; however tragic the events of the past few days, they could have been a lot worse. At least now, you all get the chance to try to make things right.
Please, don’t try to do this alone. Your son is going to need professional psychiatric help, and you are too. You’re getting into some of the deeper, darker aspects of the human psyche, and you’re going to need a guide.
I’ve got a couple bits of advice for you welby, unfortunately borne from personal experience.
I tried to kill myself frequently when I was in high school. Hanging and strangulation, mostly. Never quite took though.
In retrospect, the reasons for trying to off myself were petty at best. The problem was that I had no one to talk about them with. My life just sucked all around and it was too much for me to bear. Part of the burden was caused by my folks, who didn’t trust me worth a damn. School held no appeal for me, being populated by a bunch of folks who could care less about me-- or would try to abuse me if they did take notice.
Often I would fantasize about taking people with me. Never meant it, but if somebody had stumbled in on me at the wrong time, you never know what’d happen.
Sit down and talk with your son about something besides homework. If he needs space, give it to him. If he’s got friends, help him keep them. He may need to move to a different environment. (My own personal situation never really improved until I got out of high school.)
I don’t know if your kid needs to see a psychiatrist. I never saw one (my parents still have no idea about my past, and that’s the way I like it) and would have been ashamed if my folks made me see one.