He was about 45, quiet, and kind. He had a wife and a 14-year old son. This afternoon, at about 4:00, he went back into their barn and shot himself. I am stunned. I can’t imagine the pain he must have been feeling to do this. I can’t imagine what his wife and son are currently going through.
The only thing I can think to do is take them food, which is wildly inadequate. Any suggestions for what I can do to help his family?
I am very sorry to hear of the pain your neighbors are going through. I cannot imagine the extent of the sorrow. I note your kind words for him at the beginning of the OP but find it difficult to sympathize with someone that could do this to a 14 yo son and a wife. To escape and leave them to the pain is cowardly.
Just try to be there. Be open without questioning. Sometimes just someone to cry with, get mad with, speak to without necessarily wanting a reply. Listening without judgement.
Your a good person for being concerned. Follow your instincts; it’s all you have.
Good luck.
People who kill themselves suffer so badly that they cannot see beyond their own pain. It’s very sad.
Food isn’t inadequate - it’s a common social gesture and it is a kindness.
Just that you think of them and ask if they need anything will be appreciated.
I think the best you can do is just to abide with them. Just be a non-judgemental presence. Whatever his pain, it is over–their’s is just beginning. You can find ways to be helpful (if that is your relationship with them)–such as running errands, filling up the gas tank, shoveling the driveway or similiar-- little things that may overwhelm them now.
And if, in a while, you have a relationship with that 14 y/o-if you are male–be a role model for him. Be an adult friend/mentor. If you’re female, be a friend to him.
I am sorry for their and your loss.
It’s difficult to understand what motivates someone to commit suicide. They are in such emotional (and sometimes physical) pain that many times they believe that suicide is the only option. They believe they are doing what’s best for their family, not being selfish.
The sad truth is that most of the time it’s a permanent solution to a short-term problem. The family may never know what motivated him to do this and that’s the source of a great deal of anguish for them. Their lives will never be the same.
What can you do? A lot depends on how you know them. Right now, they may need food, cash, or transportation for out of town guests. More importantly, in a few months, they will need a friend. They’re in shock right now and numb, but the reality of the situation will hit them in a month or two.
I’ve had three suicides in my immediate family in the last 20 years and know from experience it is the absolute hardest thing for the family left behind. They will always wonder if they could have done something to stop it, done something differently to change the path of the person they loved, done anything at all.
I’m crying as I write this. My girlfriend is going through a period of deep depression and some days doesn’t believe life is worth waking up for tomorrow. Fortunately, she has been able to keep talking to me for now. My life would be devastated if I lost her.
Godspeed to you and your neighbors. They have a rough journey ahead of them.
Don’t be judgemental about the cause of death. Offer whatever you can. The family needs time to grieve and will need you. They will tell you what they need. Listen, be a friend, but I know you are just for posting here.
Also, take care of yourself. This has got to affect you. Don’t hurt yourself trying to help them.
Sgt Schwartz
Somehow, I don’t think that the suicidee intended to CAUSE pain, but to relinquish his own. It’s easy to use labels like coward, but it is likely that his own suffering may have trumped what his family and friends feel now. And what they feel now is pretty powerful, imagine how he felt through his own life.
I’ll argue for taking food. No, a casserole won’t make up for a lost father, but it shows concern and demonstrates to the family that they have something of a network of support after this suicide.
Regarding food, it’s a good idea not only because it is a common social gesture that symbolizes kindness, but also because that way the very recently bereaved can avoid having to cook.
Whatever you do, don’t avoid doing something because you don’t know what to do. No one knows what to do in a situation like this, but what many people will do is nothing, because they are afraid of doing the wrong thing. I am glad to hear you want to do something, and food, sympathy, and listening are all great things to do.
Bring food and helping.
Ouch. I’ve never known anyone that committed suicide. A couple of people who have passed away in recent years, but nobody that deliberately cast off their mortal coil. I can’t imagine how that would effect me, but it wouldn’t be good.
It’s really a shame too, as has been said it is sometimes a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I’ve been in a situation or two that was dire indeed and I had briefly flirted with the idea myself. In the end though I was too bull-headed and stubborn to go through with it, and I pulled through okay and am glad that I didn’t go through with it. For some people though I guess they feel like it’s the only viable solution left to them. I feel for those in such a situation; it must be a scary place to be indeed to think that your problems are so insurmountable that you can’t see any other possible way out of them. I hope the family will be able to cope. This is certainly hard on them. I can only imagine what led him to his ultimate decision and don’t want to call him selfish for leaving his family behind to deal with the aftermath. I’m sure he had a good reason for feeling as he did and probably felt he was really doing everyone a favour. Such a shame.
It’s good that you’re trying to be there for them even if you feel that it’s in a small and insignificant way. Every little bit of support helps though. All you can do is be part of their support system and hope it helps them through it.
I still remember food that someone brought when my mom died and I also remember someone who offered to come and stay at our house during the funeral because some people read the obituaries and rob houses of people who are at funerals. I found that amazingly thoughtful (and horrifying in that it was necessary).
Just know that whatever you do will be a comfort because it says that you care.
Bring food. It is comforting and helpful so that they dont have to cook. Rather than a casserole though I would recommend a frozen lasagna or something similar so that it doesn’t go bad while they are handling all of the stuff that goes along with death and working their way through other casseroles they received. If you want to make them something put it in a disposable container so they don’t have to worry about returning dishware to you.
Yes.
Food is good, but other people will probably be bringing food. There are almost always some other tasks that need to be done.
Years ago, I read something that might be classified as glurge, but it was so constructive and lacking in religious overtones that I couldn’t help taking it seriously. A woman got a call that her parents had both died. That was bad enough in itself, but her family was going to have to go out of state for the funeral, and one of the kids was sick, and they’d just had some work done on the house, so everything was in disarray, and to top it off, there had just been a heavy rain, so the ground outside was muddy, and everyone’s shoes were clotted with it.
Neighbors show up bringing casseroles and “If there’s anything I can do…” and mom is too distraught to say more than thank you, as she tries to pack, answer phones, tend to the sick child, and generally pull herself together. Then one guy shows up and says, “I’m here to clean your shoes.”
Which he did, all of them. And gradually, just watching him bring order out of a small area of chaos cleared mom’s mind, so she was better able to face her own tasks. Plus, they really needed clean shoes, because this was back in the day when you didn’t fly in less than your Sunday best.
You’re not likely to face that exact situation, but there are two tasks that will probably help a lot.
Laundry. I once did laundry for a friend who was in a similar situation (no death, but bad). She despises laundry, as I think many people do, but I have no problem with it. I also helped her kids choose church-appropriate outfits, which was necessary, and gave them some attention.
Answer the phone and take messages. The phone will probably be ringing off the hook, and this guy’s wife and son will be at the end of their tether soon, if they were even up to talking to people to begin with. You could also offer to call others, if they would not find that intrusive.
Food is always good, though. And coffee. If mom’s a coffee drinker, she’ll probably appreciate that more than casseroles.
I agree with Rilchiam’s advice. I think it’s better to volunteer to help the family with a particular task rather than to just make a vague “Anything I can do” offer.
I also strongly agree with the advice to try to be there for the son. It’s definitely not easy for a teen to grow up without a dad and I’m sure that suicide will make it even more traumatic and confusing for the son than a death from natural causes would be. He’ll probably be dealing with a lot of guilt…and probably also a lot of anger, because I’m sure on level he will have a hard time forgiving his dad for doing this to him. Unfortunately, depressed people have a distorted perception of reality, so the dad probably thought his family would be “better off without him” and wasn’t thinking about how much hurt he would cause his family with this action. My sympathies to everyone involved in this sad situation.
When I was younger, our neighbor across the street shot himself. It’s a horrible task but someone has to clean up the mess as the police don’t do that. My mom volunteered. I guess it depends on how close you are with the family and if you’re willing to take on all that unpleasantness. There are also companies that do that - perhaps you could get contact information for them and provide it to the family.
To add further to the already good advice given, my experience with suicide and death is to perhaps give the mum some ‘time-out’ from her boy. Perhaps offer to take him out to the movies, or to see a band, go skating or whatever.
It gives mum some space to grieve, even if it is in little chunks at a time. When a parent dies, particularly by suicide, the other parent often is so devoted to comforting and making sure that the kid/s are coping ok that there is no time for their own sorrow to surface. The parent HAS to cope, even when all they want to do is crawl into a corner and wail and pound the walls and curse the rotten bastard for what he has done. Giving mum that time alone (if she agrees) might help the healing in more ways than you can imagine.
And casseroles are always good too of course.
After the death of a friend The reletives and friends had a house and yard cleaning day. She and her husband had spent months in a hospital 50 miles away. It was spring and the house was a wreak inside and out. The clean up was a termendous help.
In two weeks it will be a full year now for me as a suicide survivor. I didn’t want to be alone, and I didn’t want to be around people. Looking back, here’s what I’d have wanted: offer to take the son or the wife for a walk. It helps to get back in the habit of literally putting one foot in front of the other. They need to get some fresh air in their blood, and, if they want to talk, they want someone to listen. And in all likelihood, they do want to talk, they just are uncertain how they should begin.