Lots of truly useful things said in this thread. As the spouse of a survivor of a parental suicide in youth (and with my own father having also suicided), I offer this:
Nobody has ever told that boy that it’s OK to be mad at your dad for killing himself. That grief includes regret for things said and not said that can never be changed now. And all the other stuff that we learn by going through them, or not at all.
Just having someone there that he can open up to, curse in front of if he needs to without feeling guilty, someone who will unjudgingly give him a chance to let out the hurt and pain and guilt and grief and frustration he feels… you’ve done more than most people get in a lifetime.
After the funeral, take the boy somewhere, a loosely planned no-specifics outing. And give him that chance to vent – encourage him to do so.
(And having helped her son will be one thing off the list of “stuff I need to face and don’t want to” for the widow too.)
In the immediate aftermath, taking over food and just being present as much as you are able is the best thing that you can do. I don’t remember much about the first few months after my brother’s suicide, but I remember every single person that made an effort to let me know they cared, even if all they could do was to say that they didn’t know what to do. (Conversely, I also remember bitterly the few judgmental assholes who acted, in word and deed, like suicide was something dirty and contagious, or who had the gall to ask for bloody specific details about how my brother had died in my hearing. ::spits: I agree with all the other suggestions offered, in particular trying to stay around for the long haul in terms of the next few months.
Bring them a nice card of sympathy. Don’t ignore the fact that they will doubtless remember everything from this period of time, and cards are something that get tucked into boxes and re-read over and over. When my mom committed suicide, I received few cards and it hurt me personally that people did not take the small amount of time to write a note of condolence.
Another vote for specific helping out. Most married women come to depend on their husbands for specific around-the-house-and-cars chores and awareness of maintenance needs. The suggestion to fill gas tanks resonates as the most specifically valuable, so far. Since people will be coming to the house, look around at any outdoor tasks that may need to be done – like shoveling snow or sweeping walkways. Consider asking the 14 year old if he would like to help you, so that you will not be abrogating what he may see as his man-of-the-house-now responsibilities. Wash and fuel cars. Look around in the house, if appropriate, to see if lightbulbs or the furnace filter need to be replaced. If there are pets or stock (you mentioned a barn) pitch in there. Maybe borrow the dog(s) and bathe and brush it/them at your house, to make the canine presence more pleasant to visitors. Considering that the suicide happened on their property, you might ask the surviving wife if she would prefer to stay at/receive guests at your house. You don’t necessarily have to say so to here, but one reason would be that there are people whose morbid curiosity would lead them to the barn. (People can be creepy!) Policing that might be a big help to her, even if she stays at home to receive condolence calls: just setting yourself up with some task between the main walkway and the barn and sticking with it to subtly create a human barrier.
I don’t have any experience, but I like what everyone has said.
Also…if you are going to bring food, see if you can’t find something freeze-able for them. There’s lots of cook-ahead-and-freeze recipes online. If everyone is bringing food, they will appreciate your offer further into the future - as their pain is going to last a lot longer than a fresh casserole will.
There have been some wonderful suggestions here. I would add to it only this: don’t let your attention to them peter away after the funeral. The grieving goes on and so do their needs after most of the condolence cards and calls have stopped.
This is a very, very true statement. After my aunt killed herself four years ago, I’m so grateful I had my understanding husband with me. On the car ride to her home, I called her every nasty name I could think of and said some very ugly, brutal things about her character. I didn’t mean them, of course, but I needed to get that anger out.
I still hold a lot of anger in my heart for people who did this after my aunt died. She was a prominent member of a very small community so the curiosity was avid. I got asked some very ugly questions (“What did she look like . . . after?”) and had to field comments by Junior Detectives who had formented the theory that she hadn’t killed herself: it was murder! (My poor grandmother had to deal with phone calls for months after my aunt’s suicide in which the callers offered clues and suspects.)
If you can do it, deal with these people for the family. How you choose to handle it is up to you. (If you want to physically throw them out the door into the nearest mud puddle, I won’t criticize you for it, though it may be in poor taste.)
About the sweetest thing my husband ever did for me was to make a phone call after my mother died. There were friends that I wanted to notify, and he offered to call them so I wouldn’t have to tell them myself.
The mother of one of my daughter’s teammates died this past fall, leaving a husband and three girls, 18, 16, and 2. The team went out about a week after the funeral and bought detergent and diapers and cleaning supplies and such, trying to cover the incidentals so that the family wouldn’t have to worry about shopping for a while.
I think anything that takes some of the mundane chores off their shoulders for a while is a good idea.
Ruby, I’m so sorry for all the pain you’ve experienced and are currently going through with your friend. I wish I could give you a hug.
What an excellent suggestion. Someone stayed at our house during my father’s funeral, but I had forgotten about that.
After some further information, I found that he did the actual deed inside a horse trailer. So it is at least contained, sort of. I believe my brother-in-law will be taking care of the trailer for them. He’s a cousin of the widow and lives right across the street.
Thank you so much for the thoughtful and excellent suggestions. After reading through, here’s what I’m going to do:
[ul]
[li]I called my sister-in-law, who is helping run interference for the family, and offered my services as a housesitter during the funeral.[/li][li]I plan to send a simple card today to let them know we’re thinking of them and available to them.[/li][li]I put a note on my calendar in a month to take them some freezable meals. I know our community will overwhelm them with food in the short term, but I also know that will drop off after a few weeks. I’d like to help extend the help a little bit.[/li][li]I’ll talk to my husband and my brother-in-law about spending time with the son, both in fun ways, and trying to get him to talk a little with a neutral person.[/li][li]My sister-in-law is quite close with the widow, and has spent quite a lot of time on walks with her. I’m going to encourage her to keep that up, even if the widow doesn’t think she wants to, and I’ll offer myself in that capacity as well.[/li][/ul]
Again, thanks for all the concrete suggestions. I do truly want to help, and you have all helped give me a direction.
On preview, I see an excellent suggestion from thirdwarning as well. I think I’ll include some basic household supplies in a basket when I take the meals in a few weeks.
StuffLikeThatThere, I’ve tried sending you a private message, but you apparently don’t have that feature turned on yet. I’d like to add a bit of something, if you’re interested, to the discussion. If you’d like, just let me know and it’ll be on the way.
People often get mad at loved ones who died when it’s of natural causes or an accident, too: “why couldn’t your idiot father stop smoking, eh?” “why did that ass always have to drive so fast?” Heck, my grandmother thinks that people who catch colds do so on purpose, you can imagine her take on dying.
This is the kind of times when having someone who is able to listen and make adequate support noises without trying to offer a “solution” unless they’re specifically asked “what do you think I should do?” is invaluable. Oh, and when you offer help, many people appreciate “want a hand” better than “need a hand”: somehow “needing” help sounds like you’re broken, you know?
Yes, please. I’ve turned on private messaging just now because, to my mortification, I didn’t know it had to be turned on and would like to hear from you.
Nava and Polycarp, you’re so right. I was very angry with my father when he died of prostate cancer. He had left me, even if it wasn’t his fault, and I was ticked. I didn’t really understand what was going on with that, and so it was very confusing and painful on top of the grief. I can’t imagine what it would have been like had he taken his own life.
My husband cleaned up the truck his brother killed himself in. And then drove the truck for years. I’ve never discussed that part of it with him, but I heard he was “nominated” for the task because he’d served in combat in Vietnam. :rolleyes:
I think the food thing is a great idea (I’d go for a few frozen things as opposed to a ready-to-eat, mainly because other neighbors may be doing the same thing). I think it’s important to refrain from judging the family or the deceased in these cases. I know many people feel that suicide is totally unacceptable under any circumstances, but those people are wrong. It is an individual decision; no one has the right to fault someone for their decision to end their own life.
I agree with all the other suggestions offered, in particular trying to stay around for the long haul in terms of the next few months.