Hmmm. . . let’s think about this for a moment.
Person A is living in a house entirely at the pleasure of Person B, and can be tossed out on the street at the whim of Person B.
Person A then sicks the cops on Person B.
What can Person A expect Person B to do?
A. Move out herself.
B. Toss Person A onto the street.
C. Reconcile with Person A.
Gee, I don’t know, but I’d guess B. Actually, I always guess B, but know what? It works.
Anyone else find it interesting that Mum’s response to finding out the OP was sleeping on the floor wasn’t to offer the OP accommodation in Mum’s house but to sneak a futon into Dad’s?
There are plenty of families out there who are comfortable enough financially to continue supporting their children wholly or substantially until such time as their children reach retirement age if necessary. Equally, there are plenty of families out there who cannot continue to support their children in adulthood or whose continuing to support an adult child whose chooses to remain at home will impact on their ability to offer younger children in the family equivalent opportunities.
Yes, plenty of our parents stayed at home until marriage in times past. Equally, plenty of our grandparents were forced to leave school in their early to mid teams in order to earn income to assist the family in surviving financially.
What I challenge is the notion that adult children have some inherent “right” to live at home for as long as they wish and have their parents subsidise them financially - many parents may choose to do this in order to help their children establish an educational or financial foundation for adult life, but parents should also be able to “unchoose” this option if it isn’t working out.
Living at home in adulthood is a “bonus”, rather than an extension of the parental obligation to provide for their offspring up until the age of adulthood. It’s very easy (on both sides) to not think about what either side wants or expects from the arrangement until a conflict arises - and when that conflict does arise it tends to be about either the young adult resenting being treated like a child, or the parents resenting the young adult continuing to behave like a child.
You’re saying that you have options Guin which you choose not to exercise for various reasons. The OP would have us believe that she has no such options.
ultress: You threw out stuff that you paid for? Okay, first of all, you said you’d clean her room if she didn’t, not that she’d lose all her stuff. But did you actually throw into the garbage stuff that either you or your husband paid for, or did you give it to the Goodwill, so someone else could get use out of it?
bodypoet: You look under the mattress? What do you suspect your kids of doing, anyway? By your standards, lola’s scarlet journal wouldn’t be safe even if she did keep it in her room or her bag. Kids shouldn’t be cornered and frustrated to that extent.
Hamadryad: Now, what you did sounds justified. But not all kid/parent or stepkid/stepparent situations should be resolved that way.
Oopps, sorry about that ** Rilchiam** I wasn’t as clear on that point as I should have been. When I married the stepchild’s father, they moved into my house. They both lived like pigs, refused to pick up anything they dropped on the floor, it would lay there for weeks until I’d finally just get frustrated and pick it up myself. The child had a nice room, the fairy tale bedroom set for a girl, poster bed, matching dressers and wardrobes, etc. It wasn’t that she didn’t have anywhere to put her things, she was just too lazy to do it, she wanted to be waited on hand and foot. When I did the laundry I would fold her clothes and put them on her bed to be put away. She’d throw them on the floor instead. I have no idea where the stuff came from, I’m sure I probably did buy some of it for her, but the things that were thrown away were not replaced. I’m sure that over time they will be with birthdays and Christmas and such. No, I didn’t give the things to Goodwill or such, most of the stuff she had ruined with markers or makeup spilled on it or such.
I see. Well, that sounds justifiable. But it’s still not comparable to lola’s situation!
“bodypoet: You look under the mattress? What do you suspect your kids of doing, anyway? By your standards, lola’s scarlet journal wouldn’t be safe even if she did keep it in her room or her bag. Kids shouldn’t be cornered and frustrated to that extent.”
I looked under my stepkids’ mattresses too. You don’t want to know what I found out from some of the shit that was there. You really don’t. And if any of my other kids pulls any of that shit you had best believe they will get a very, very rude awakening as well.
Because of some of the shit that has gone down in this household, I no longer buy into “BELIEVE THE CHILDREN” or “teenagers have an absolute right to privacy.” What I believe in is “My house, my rules; there’s the door if you don’t like it,” and one of my rules is everything gets read. You don’t like it? shrug Kids shouldn’t be cornered and frustrated to that extent? Parents shouldn’t have to put a baby monitor in the kids’ rooms to make sure they get home from sneaking out and tripping and stealing with their friends in time to go to school, thanks.
“Hamadryad: Now, what you did sounds justified. But not all kid/parent or stepkid/stepparent situations should be resolved that way.”
Your posts seem relatively well-thought-out, which is the only reason I’m not answering this in a screamingly sarcastic way. I mean, Rilchiam? This one is a gigantic DUH, like saying “All international disputes should not be solved with nukes.”
I understand that a lot of people are coming from households wherein the worst thing a kid ever did was smoke a joint with friends or go to a party in an abandoned house. Some of us have not been so fortunate.
And throw me in with Reprise…once a kid gets to a certain age, most parents expect to get their lives back. If the kid keeps hanging on, their mere presence in the house keeps the parents from having their own lives. At least, this happens in 9/10 of the households I’ve seen where the kid is unable to cut the cord, Guinastasia’s Utopian homelife nonwithstanding.
I can still remember very clearly what it felt like to be a stepkid. I still intensely dislike my stepmother for the very, VERY poor ways in which she chose to deal with me. Even with that said, Lola doesn’t get sympathy from me on this one. Especially since she got the damned thing back. And the people who say “But her dad gave it back!” Uh…her stpmother threw it out at 6:45 in the morning when (as Lola says) no one else was even up, right? Then I think the stepmother ALSO had a hand in letting Lola’s father give it back. Another duh.
**
I’m assuming those kids had already established a pattern of such behavior. Certainly, if they’re already like that, take whatever steps you have to to curb them. But is it reasonable to look under a kid’s mattress even if they’ve never proven themselves to be untrustworthy? I think not. I think taking it for granted that your kids are up to something, and treating them accordingly, and taking the attitude that, “You’re going to fuck up eventually and I’m going to catch you at it,” is going to cause problems, not prevent them. They are going to resent that, and eventually conclude that they have nothing to lose.
**
Some people have. I’m assuming, based on that admission, that you are not urging every parent of a teenager to put a baby monitor in their kid’s room, on the off chance that they might catch some aberrant behavior?
I don’t like the mindset that says, “You have to be on your kid’s case 24/7 whether they’ve done anything or not, because the minute you take your eyes off them, they will.” I’m not advocating complete trust and blind faith, either. But you can’t expect a teenager to mature if they’re never given the chance to use their own judgement.
**
It’s not a ‘duh’; it’s stating that I don’t think lola’s situation is analagous to yours. She’s employed, she keeps to herself, and she makes every effort to abide by S/M’s rules. She stumbled once. All right, twice if you count the first incident. Still doesn’t make her a lost cause.
Let me put it this way. I was always a clean-n’-sober homebody when I was a kid - if my parents had searched my room, there wouldn’t have been much for them to find.
Now they (well, my dad, really) were unreasonable enough. And they often expressed a desire (in my dad’s case, expressed it by yelling or pushing me around) to go through my stuff. But if they actually had searched my room, read my papers, read my sent box or the browser history, gone through my stuff - I would have moved out a hell of a lot sooner than I did.
And I moved out at 18.
So you should kind of be careful what you’re going for in terms of your own kids, I think. Is that really what you want?
I lived at home with my mom and dad while I was saving up a downpayment for my home. I moved out when I was 25. (Previous to this I had lived with a BF, but that’s a whole other story).
I paid rent - $800/month. I didn’t eat there. I kept my stuff in my room. Pretty much every day my mom was in my room going through my stuff, using my makeup, borowing my clothes, harrasing me about anything that struck her fancy, reading my daytimer, snooping in my computer, etc, etc. etc.
It drove me up the wall, but it was her house. As soon as I moved into my place, guess what - it stoped. Like I said before - EZ.
Al.
This is a sad thread, people debating semantics of laws and inheritance and personal rights - sheesh - go start a great debate!
This girl is GIDDY with the idea of being orphaned and getting her fathers house!
She seems to be blatantly thumbing her nose at her stepmother by leaving offensive material about. (offensive in the eye of the boss is OFFENSIVE, period- her house, her rules).
Lola says it was an accident, there are no accidents. She obviously was itching for conflict, and then her poor father had to be dragged in.
I can picture the father, happy in his house, with a wife and a little boy, and BANGO adult daughter moves in and starts fighting with his wife. Must be fun for him. I bet he has started working late more, avoiding the house.
From the charming terms you use to refer to your stepmother, harpy etc, it would appear you have a real problem with her. But you wont sit and try to talk with her…
You will ‘note on your calander’ that your father took your side - is this what you have been after all along? Validation that you are the most important?
If you wont move out, dont blame it on “M-O-N-E-Y”. Thats not your motivation here, that much is clear.
Someday you will understand that the position you are putting your father in is really really cruel, and I hope he doesnt end up the one hurt before you are through.
Ask your step mother for some financial help if you move out, if I was her, I would take a second job to get you out of my house.
Do any of you control freaks lurk outside your (step)sons’ doors, or outside the bathroom if he’s been in there for more than three minutes? I mean, you’ve got to know everything, right?
Per Blinking Duck your assumption that you are going to get 1/2 the house if he passes is likely to be incorrect unless your father has made concrete provisions for this. Normally the surviving partner (your step-mother) gets the remainder fo the estate and I think US and Canadian laws are similar is this respect.
With respect to life insurance you had best not count your chickens here either, as your step-mother may be the sole beneficiary or she may control the funds in some fashion post death. Based on your posts in this thread to date I kind of doubt that your father has arranged for you to get the funds directly without some administrator in control of dispensing funds (possibly your step-mother).
Well, I’m not sure how much good it’s going to do here, but I’d like to speak on behalf of children who had parents rummage through their stuff, and have had a good result come about. This isn’t true in all cases, but sometimes, it can be a good thing to have parents get a little nosy, even though I sure didn’t think so at the time.
During my first semester of college, I was living at home, and my parents suspected I was doing drugs. I was. A lot of drugs, having been introduced to them by my scumbag then-boyfriend. They read my email (which goes WAY beyond what many parents have said they’ve done in this thread), and found out that I was. A huge fight followed–they told me that if I didn’t break up with him, they’d take away my college money, and I cried and screamed and thought they were unfair and the worst parents ever. After a while, it just became too hard to maintain the relationship with the boyfriend and my parents (especially since I was trying to stop doing drugs, and he kept doing them around me.) Eventually, we broke up, and my relationship with my parents is stronger than ever.
I was never a bad kid growing up (quite the opposite, I never did anything “bad” until I went to college), and my parents were justifiably concerned. Looking back on it, I’m happy they went through my email and gave me an ultimatum, because it helped me realize that I was doing something wrong.
All right, could I sound any more goody-goody? My point is that even though my situation is quite different from lola’s, there are some kids there who do actually benefit from their parents snooping, contrary to what some posters in this thread may believe.
Oh, stuff it. Now you’re not engaging in a discussion; you’re just being shitty.
I’d like to second kellbelli’s thoughts.
I’m a little offput at the joy lola expects when one day she is orphaned. It makes her “giddy”, and that includes not only a giddiness at the thought of her step mother being dead, but what I understand to be her birth father, whom she longs to have on her side.
leaves me a little oogy.
My mother went through ALL of my shit growing up. She read my diary because she suspected my boyfriend was abusing me.
Guess what! HE WAS! My diary confirmed it.
Of course I didn’t break up with him for three more years, but at least my mom knew what was going on.
I’m very very close with my parents, still to this day.
J
Nice post. It really adds a lot to the thread. By the way, I didn’t have to lurk, I could see the bathroom door from my recliner in the family room. Looks like you could have used a little more parental ‘control’ in your life.
Sure I do, if I’m cleaning or changing sheets. Where did you keep your dope when you were growing up?
My standards are nothing like Lola’s stepmom, thanks. Lola’s journal would be perfectly safe at my house: It might be read, but it wouldn’t be thrown away or be the cause for punishment for her.
Here’s the deal: If I find it, I’ll read it, it’s that simple. I won’t bitch, burn it, publish it–but if I find reason to be concerned, I’ll be ready to address it.
Last time I checked, my kids didn’t seem cornered or frustrated. They’re pretty happy kids who do okay in school, work hard, and have pretty good ethics (if not great decision-making skills at times). Of course, we still have several years to go, and I don’t dare hope that it will always be easy. But I’ll tell you one thing: If my kid were plotting to hurt someone, felt suicidal, had a drug or alcohol problem, or was being abused, and there was evidence of it in a journal, notebook, box, or anything else, I’d damn well KNOW about it.
Look, my job is not to make my kids happy or to be their friend or roommate. My job is to PARENT–to teach them and help them grow into healthy adults. Sometimes their rights to privacy or freedom are secondary to my responsibility to them. Parenting is a whole different ballgame than being a housemate.
There are a whole hell of a lot of things that you might make me feel insecure about, but parenting is NOT one of them. I’m doing right by my kids, and if you met them, you’d probably agree.
First, I’d like to say that I think lola sounds like an obnoxious, spoiled 15 year old.
Also, I think that being a little too strict is better then being a little too lenient, and that parents generally know how best to deal with their own children.
But I must say I’m quite shocked at the amount of people who seem to think that a teenager has no right to any kind of privacy at all. It sounds like the kids didn’t lose the trust of their parents, they never had it to begin with. I can understand knowing who your kid hangs out with, where they’re going, making sure they come back at a certain time … but going through his things for no reason seems a bit excessive to me (this excludes situations where a parent can probably tell something is wrong, like drug use, or an abusive boyfriend). I guess I think that a teenager’s privacy isn’t inviolate, but it shouldn’t be intruded on without reason.
But then, I was a very boring kid, and a rotten liar to boot, so I have zilch experience of this from either end. I would, however, have gone completely batshit if I found out my mom was reading my journals. Not because she would have found out anything about my life (I was writing fiction), but because I would have been embarrased, and angry that she didn’t trust me when I had given her no reason not to.
Well, I’m just wondering where you guys draw the line.
You know, I was going to make a long post about what I think, but I decided not to. There seems to be a large (well, large for this board, at least) bias on this board on the part of older people (likely parents themselves) against teens/young adults ranting about their parents. I’ve experienced this myself in threads I’ve started about my dad, people passing judgement and presuming to tell me that I’m wrong and my dad was right, even though they know NOTHING about the overall situation.
Suffice to say that I am disappointed in the comments some of the posters I respect have said. 