They loop like a broken record. Sometimes the volume is loud and in the forefront of my consciousness, like they were when I woke up this morning. Sometimes the volume is so soft that I have to clear my mind to “hear” them. Most times they aren’t there at all, and this is a relief. But oh boy, when they’re loud, which happens some time just about every day, they’re very distracting.
They aren’t schizophrenic voices, and yet they “act” like ones. They reference me in the third-person. “Monstro is sick”, they say. “She’s dead. She’s dying.” “She committed suicide at the age of 31”. They are depressive thoughts, but they play even when I’m in a good mood. Worse, if I’m not careful, I will repeat out loud what’s playing in my head. Imagine walking by a coworker’s office and hearing them exclaim, “She’s sick! monstro is SICK!” as she’s smiling at her computer screen. Yep, that’s me. Crazy woman.
Other times, my brain will take what I’m purposefully thinking and make it repeat. Make it repeat. Make it repeat. Just like that. Or I’ll be imagining a conversation with someone and my responses to their imaginary questions will be repeated over and over.
They make me tired. Sometimes I just zone out so I can lose myself in the white noise and not have to think about anything else. Because, strangely, they can be soothing. Perhaps it’s the rhythm of the loop or something.
But they aren’t all negative thoughts. Like, out of the blue, amidst the talk of death, sickness, suicide, and plain nonsense, other thoughts will jump onto the merry-go-round. “I love you”. “I want to see you smile”. “You did an excellent job.” They bring with them a ping of, dare I say, comfort and joy. Where do they come from? I want to know. Do they spring from the same place as the other thoughts, or from another part of my brain? And isn’t it amazing, and so very wonderful, that they talk to me rather than about me like the other thoughts do? But as quickly as they announce themselves, they’re gone. Only to be replaced with the same old broken record.
It’s almost like the good, healthy part of me wants to just check in every now and again and make sure that I don’t let that broken record break me.
Or maybe it’s the voice of God. That’s what my mother would say. And to that, my response would be, “Why is he always in a hurry to jump off that freakin’ merry-go-round? Better yet, why won’t he STOP the freakin’ merry-go-round?” That would be even more of a blessing than the rather infrequent, though appreciated “I love yous.”
Does any Doper have any idea what I’m talking about? Anyone else experience repetitive thoughts? I know OCDers have ruminating worries, but this seems to be quite different than that. I feel no anxiety when I’m caught up in the “loop,” even when the thoughts are telling me that I’m dead. I also know that people with mania can also have what are called racing thoughts. But I’m not bipolar in the least. So I do not know how to categorize my “cognition style”, and none of the meds I’ve taken have helped. So it seems like all I can do is cope with the noise somehow and hope they don’t get worse.
Hope they don’t get worse.
Hope they don’t get worse.