Parasite

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Lately I’ve been feeling a little depressed. So I decided to vent some of my feelings in a poem I wrote. It started out as a song (hence the repeating chorus) but evolved into a kind of poem. Let me know what you think. Maybe some of you out there can relate.

Here it is:

Parasite

Nagging doubts are always lurking just beneath the surface
I seem to have lost my entire sense of purpose
Self respect is an unattainable yearning
Self deprivation seems to be all that I am learning
Sometimes I’m so bewildered I don’t even recognize my own skin
My greatest wish is that I will someday find myself again
My mind is the victim of mental theft
These doubts are consuming, devouring, all that is left

These feelings are like a parasite attacking me from within
Forgetting to love myself is my one and only sin
Fear constantly gnawing at my brain
I am paralyzed by the pain
These mental wounds are slowly strangling my mind
Destroying all the faith I wish I could find
Isolation is all I’ve ever known
It would seem my fate is to always be alone

I will never forget this day
It was the first time I realized my life was slipping away
My future is just so uncertain
I’m afraid I won’t even last until the final curtain
There is simply no support around
Depression is the easiest way I have found
Self loathing is ravaging through my soul
Achieving the carnage that is its ultimate goal

These feelings are like a parasite attacking me from within
Forgetting to love myself is my one and only sin
Fear constantly gnawing at my brain
I am paralyzed by the pain
These mental wounds are slowly strangling my mind
Destroying all the faith I wish I could find
Isolation is all I’ve ever known
It would seem my fate is to always be alone

My self hatred and sadness are symbient
I don’t deserve these feelings, I am innocent
There’s just way more pressure than I can take
My mind is slowly crumbling and my will is about to break
It’s frightening, blinding, how fast my spiritual walls are caving in
I am so completely lost, there’s simply no way to win
Soon my sanity will just be a shadow, proving that I’m finally going insane
And my cry for help will be the only part of me that will remain

These feelings are like a parasite attacking me from within
Forgetting to love myself is my one and only sin
Fear constantly gnawing at my brain
I am paralyzed by the pain
These mental wounds are slowly strangling my mind
Destroying all the faith I wish I could find
Isolation is all I’ve ever known
It would seem my fate is to always be alone

2

A little depressed??? :eek:
Seriously, I hope you have a friend or professional you can talk to.

3

Well, it’s hard to respond to the writing itself and not the meaning behind it, so forgive me if this isn’t what you’re looking for. Reading this makes my heart hurt. Please don’t take any of the following as me dismissing how you’re feeling or as being a know-it-all. What you’re going through is hard and painful and deeply personal.

You aren’t alone. You have many people that love you; though they may not always know how to talk about personal things with you or how to demonstrate support very well, there is a whole network of family and friends (and friends of family, and so on) that celebrate you, your successes, your growth as an individual, your way of telling stories, your observations about life. People who laugh over the “only torben” things you did when you were little, people who quote things you’ve said as an adult, people who just generally love having you around.

Once you’re out of school, making friends gets harder, and so does meeting anyone to really connect with. It’s not as easy to hang out with people out of habit. It took me forever to feel like I’d established any friendships at all once I graduated, and once I finally felt that way, I moved. I’ve been where I am now for close to two years and I am just now feeling like I have someone other than my husband to hang out with again.

Feeling alone is an ugly thing, and it tends to feed on itself. If you’re open to any advice, I’d say to try volunteering at things that give you joy-- one-day events, that sort of thing. Sign up for a class in something you’d like, because it will be filled with other people who like that thing (see? already something on common). There’s lots out there-- pottery, auto mechanics, computer programming, creative writing, whatever. Even if you don’t enjoy the people there, you’ll be doing something that you like, that’s separate from work and home. If nothing else, you’ll be learning more about yourself and what you’re capable of (which is a lot more than you seem to give yourself credit for).

Please take care of yourself.