My 14 year old son, the very love of my life, was recently diagnosed bi-polar. It’s difficult trusting my sons mental health to medicine, especially since I sometimes wonder what is normal teen angst vs. a serious chemical imbalance.
However, this is my son and I am just not willing to place bets when I know he’s cut himself intentionally before and thinks often (although he insists idly) about suicide.
He’s been seeing a therapist for a couple of months who was fairly certain that he was bi-polar. His sleep is inconsistent, he’s terribly intelligent, always down on himself and feels very violent, despite not being raised in a home where even yelling is acceptable, much less actual physical violence.
I am, for the most part, done hating myself for being a crappy teen parent who didn’t do enough for him in his formative years. I realize that he was raised in a relatively inconsistent environment but I also know he’s spent his whole life surrounded by people who love him and have always wanted the best for him. He’s a good kid, he doesn’t bitch about taking out the trash and cleaning the catbox. He doesn’t go over his alloted cell phone minutes and he generally does well in school (His most recent report card notwithstanding).
So that’s the long and the short of his background. After speaking at length with his therapist, we made an appointment with a psychologist to have a full evaluation done, since his father is also diagnosed bi-polar. The psychologist determined that yes, he’s bi-polar and is putting him on 500mg one-a-day Depakote.
In my family (growing up), psychology wasn’t an official branch of medicine and all freak outs, thoughts of suicide, long term depression and inability to cope with life in general was considered laziness, brattiness or just plain attention-getting. Obviously, I do not share this sentiment, but I’m presenting as a bit of background on how much I don’t know about treatment for behavioral disorders.
We will be going ahead with the Depakote beginning tomorrow morning and I guess I’m just looking for experiences from those of you who have (or know someone who has) taken Depakote. I’ve read up on side effects and support forums until my eyes feel like they’re going to bleed, but I know this group is full of intelligent folks who are often a bit more detailed and free with their experiences and I could really used that level of honesty right now.
I have no experience with the drug, but I want to commend you on getting help for your son.
One of my best friends is bi-polar and her teen years - thirties ( when she was diagnosed) were nothing short of hell. One of her kids is on the same path as she was and she just cannot see how her parents could have thought that behavior was normal at all.
You’ve probably been told this, but the two are often not related. I’ve had suicidal friends who did not cut themselves and non-suicidal friends who self-injured in some way (most commonly cutting, but also burning, scratching, and joint manipulation). And, come to think of it, only one friend who did both. Anyway, like I said, you’ve probably heard all that, but I just thought I’d make sure.
In some ways, malkavia, your post could almost be from my own mother.
I want to answer it from several angles.
The first thing I want to say, as just some random guy, is kudos to you for being open-minded and willing to consider treatment instead of blindly casting blame and judgment. It sounds like it’s been a hard road thus far for the two of you and I hope it gets easier with the help of proper medication. Don’t be too hard on yourself: People are products of nature and nurture, and if you’ve been the best parent you could possibly be, chalk the rest up to genetics or other environmental factors. It’s not always your fault and hating yourself for it won’t help anyone. And if you think there’s something you can do better, well, by all means do it! He’s only 14 and it’s not at all too late for him, you, or both of ya to change.
Second, as a person diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I want to share what I’ve been told by shrinks: It may take experimentation with several drugs, or combinations thereof, before a good match is found. Different people react differently to different drugs, so hang in there and don’t give up (not that it sounds like you’re about to) if Depakote isn’t the right one. There are a lot of pills out there.
Depakote was horrible for me (partially contributing, I believe, to a suicide attempt), but at least it was better than Paxil and Effexor. Nonetheless, there have been success stories for all those drugs. Remember that they are (in theory, anyway) clinically proven to be effective and better than placebos. It’s a matter of finding one that’s both effective and not terrible in terms of side effects, and both can vary wildly from individual to individual. All the stories in the world can only give you a rough statistical guideline; he won’t know for sure until he’s tried it for himself.
As a 24 year old male, 14 wasn’t that long ago. Were I still his age, I’d have to say I’d find the environment you described incredibly suffocating. I obviously don’t have the whole picture, but does he have any outlets? Something that lets him occasionally break out of the big hamster wheel of school/homework/chores and play… thrive… fuck up… grow? Blame the testosterone if you’d like, but boys are boys and we NEED to fight. Does he engage in sports, video games, martial arts, competitions, whatever, where he can release some of what sounds like pent-up, internalized aggression? Or maybe a girlfriend or two or three? When there aren’t any external challenges to tackle, that teenage angst could very become the focal point of his life. He needs something better to direct the arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh! towards.
And that intelligence, too, could very well destroy him if he’s a thinker and doesn’t have anything to think about except his own problems. Try to engage it and guide it towards more meaningful, but equally complex, causes – this may mean that you, too, will have to learn about things you never cared about before just so you have some direction to steer his mind towards.
Which leads me to the next part…
This is what I most wanted to talk about. I’ve been depressed and suicidal since I was 11, and if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that people are complicated, holistic beings. Some – a very select lucky few – are able to find a true passion early in their lives and can then embrace it with the entirety of their souls, finding joy and meaning that way and not needing much else. Most of us are not so lucky. It takes a balance of many different things to overcome depression, reach some level of contentedness, and maybe, just maybe, find an ounce of happiness.
Perhaps surprisingly, I wouldn’t entirely discount laziness, brattiness or attention-getting right off the bat if I were you. It’s entirely possible that he’s bipolar and lazy/bratty/an attention whore. None of these things are mutually exclusive and they may in fact feed into one another and, together, make the whole situation worse. To be very clear, I’m NOT saying “Forget the shrinks! Stop the pills! Send him to boot camp!” Rather, the point is that any and every factor in a person’s well-being can be important and you should consider them individually even while you tackle them simultaneously.
Is he lazy or bratty? Maybe it’s time to lay down the law. Is he always seeking attention? Maybe he needs some form of love and understanding that he’s not getting. But it’s more than that. Is there a neurological basis for his disease? Very possible; that’s what the pills aim to treat, but they can only do so much. Nutrition and exercise also play significant roles; is he eating well and does he get enough cardiovascular activity? Next, does he have issues he needs to talk to people about? Certainly, but a shrink only gives one type of perspective, that of a medical professional. Does he have close friends, teachers or mentors, religious counselors, pets, parents, heck, a journal, etc., from which he can find alternate forms of release and feedback? Does he have emotional/creative outlets? Can he draw, sing, dance, or whatever instead of simply letting it all boil into a black vicious goop from hell in his head? Does he have sexual problems? Is he afraid to come out of the closet? Are there unresolved familial conflicts? Would a religion or philosophy help bring some clarity (and don’t get mad if he chooses something different from the rest of the family)? Is he lacking in self-esteem / are you guys too hard on him? Or does he maybe not realize how good he has it (some volunteerism or eye-opening could help)? Is he just not a big believer in mainstream medicine / talk therapy (maybe “natural” supplements, yoga, or alternative spirituality would be more up his alley)?
You get the idea. It’s all of that and so much more. My point, or rather my plea, is to not blindly focus on any one thing. If the Depakote doesn’t turn out to be the magic happiness pill you hoped for, sure, switch him to something else, but simultaneously pay attention to the other little aspects of his life. That’s all.
Err… anyway, that has turned into quite a long speech. I’ve said enough.
Well, this is day 6 of Depakote. No noticable changes just yet, except an upset tummy today and last night he seemed a little more willing to play video games and get dinner with me, something that’s usually like pulling teeth.
Thank you guys for your responses, I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to follow up.
You make a great point, Reply. Although I’ve always been and continue to be The Worlds Most Neurotic Mother™, he has recently taken to hitting the punching bag we have in the garage and he’s played video games since he was old enough to waddle to a controller. I was never super-encouraging about sports (I know, I know) and he has never been too interested in them.
He does play guitar (real) and thrash the bejesus out of his drums (Rockband, third set of drums… 4th set of drumsticks, I think). Both seem to keep him fairly entertained.
Bingo! He is a thinker and not only does he spend a lot of time thinking about his own problems, but he’s a magnet for other kids with issues and he spends a ridiculous amount of brain power being angry at their circumstances and empathizing with them.
We’ve talked about this at length, but I’m not sure how to steer him away from it, even though I can see how destructive it is. His therapist warned me against removing his access to his plethora of online friends, and instead asked that I focus on ensuring he’s out of the house every weekend, for at least a couple of hours, doing something engaging.
So sometimes we do mini-golf, sometimes batting cages or movies. We brought his girlfriend the last time we did the mini-golf thing and lemme tell you, if you’d just met him, you’d think he’s the happiest kid on earth.
His dads idea of “out of the house” is a little different, but equally necessary. He’s had him helping with a home renovation project and has taken him to volunteer at the food bank (Volunteering is a GREAT suggestion, he was beaming with pride when he told me all about it)
Ha! I’m sure he is, to an extent. I mean, I don’t think anyone escapes teenagerdom without some element of laziness, brattiness and attention-whoring. Hell, I’m 30 and I’d say I still suffer from varying degrees of all three afflictions.
I will certainly work harder to keep it in mind, but it’s definitely a challenge. I’m that “BUT HE’S SUCH A GOOD KID” mom who has a hard time discerning between “I’m depressed” and “I just don’t wanna clean my room or take a shower because I’m comfortable, damnit!”
We’ll keep playing it by ear and I’ll be sure to update should anything interesting occur.
I wish you strength and patience, malkavia. I have a child with similar problems. It has been quite a journey, visiting different psychologists, psychiatrists, and therapists. We’ve also had problems getting health insurance for this kid, so I’ll not say too much here.
It is an incredibly difficult line (for me) to walk between ‘enabling’ unhelpful behaviours and helping my child. By unhelpful I mean withdrawing from others (staying at home for days on end) and not being responsible for themselves (not doing their own laundry, fixing their own meals, etc. My child is over 18 now).
Anyway, not only are medications different for different people, but doctors and therapists are too. At some points along the way, you may have to switch. That can also be due to the personal growth of the kid.