My "three strikes" against this girl I really like

I think she’s pretty, and we get along. But there are three things that make me hesitate (ok 4, but the last one’s not that big a deal in comparison. And whoever said 4 strikes?)

  1. She’s a coworker. I keep hearing that dating a coworker is a big mistake.

  2. She’s (allegedly) an ex-con. Don’t know if it’s true, but my source is semi-trustworthy.

  3. She has a 3-year-old kid. Dad apparently isn’t around (don’t know how to ask). I know it sounds shallow, but that does kinda make me hesitate. She smokes too, but I figure as long as I ask her not to do it in my car or in my apartment, maybe I can gradually get her to quit.

So, advice? Are these all huge roadblocks and is my way hopeless?

All you list are negatives, except for “she’s pretty, and we get along.” What else gets listed on the “Pros” side of the ledger.

Personally all three (or actually four) issues would be deal-breakers for me personally (and thinking that you are going to get involved with someone and then “improve” them by getting him or her to change an ingrained habit is just asking for sorrow in advance) but are the hopeless? Not necessarily; plenty of people successfully date and marry coworkers, ex-cons, and single mothers. But these aren’t things that are going to change (except perhaps the coworker bit) so if these are individually problems for you now, they don’t bode well for the future.

There are women out there who are pretty and presumably compatible with you, not coworkers, ex-cons, single mothers, or smokers, but they take a lot more effort to find than walking into work every day. So it is not as if it is this woman or nothing. There is nothing that stops you from hanging out with her casually and then deciding (and finding out the veracity of) whether these are real problems for you, and in the meantime, searching elsewhere.


I don’t know what your way is, but a smoker is a deal breaker for me, let alone a co-worker, who might be an ex-con, with a three year old kid.

Are you serious?

Oh, don’t get me wrong. I’m not trying to make her my last hope for a normal life. I just wanted to see how off this was for me to consider. The kid would be the least of them, unless the crime was like drugs or violent or sex. I just think she’s really hot, is all.

Pretty much any of those except coworker is a dealbreaker for me.

Coworker really isn’t that big of a deal unless you work directly together or are different levels. In my last job, two of my consultants dated for two years and are now both married and still working at the company.

if you haven’t even gone on a date yet and you’re thinking of how maybe you can changer her … yeah, I’d just leave her alone.

Yeah, I haven’t even finished changing me yet.

Mom says I need to lower my standards, but I don’t think this is what she meant. :dubious:

Coworker (assuming you’re just peers) is bigger deal if you think it might end badly. Obviously that’s hard to know ahead of time, but if it’s maybe come up in conversation that her relationships tend to end badly, or you know from experience that yours do, that’s an extra red flag. If you both have a history of amicable partings, I’d be more inclined to say it’s an acceptable risk.

The coworkers thing isn’t just about getting in trouble with management, it’s thinking ahead to what might be a real PITA to you if it ends badly.

Do you have friends who smoke, have histories of criminal activity, and who are single parents? Or is she completely different from the whole rest of your social circle? That would be an additional bad omen.

Hmmm… you have a “semi-trustworthy” source? I’m not sure that’s a valid concept.

Under what conditions is the source trustworthy?

Heh, obviously I know nothing about this person, but the fact of expressing doubts in advance is I think significant. Sounds like your intuition is telling you “no”.

Nobody is a blank slate - people have pasts. Personally I wouldn’t be deterred by any of the things you’ve listed, but I’m not exactly the most conventional person in the world. Anyway, if you think that you can “gradually get her to quit” smoking and you’re not even going out with her yet, I don’t think you have a future…

It tells the truth exactly 50% of the time?


Well, the smoking is a red flag right there for me. In my opinion, it is impossible to make someone else quit, so give that idea up now.

Kid? Maybe, maybe not. Depends at least partly on the relationship between the lady and the kid’s father.

Ex-con? Strong yellow flag; I’d be extremely cautious until I was certain that the crime was something victimless, like marijuana possession. Even then, I’d remain cautious.

Co-worker? As long as you and she aren’t in the same chain of command or don’t work beside each other, a cautious go.

Do you mean you just want to fuck her because she’s hot, expecting she’ll quit smoking because you don’t like that and hoping that her past, her family, her job won’t turn to be an inconvenience for you?

The thread title says you “really like” her, yet it boils down to “I just think she’s really hot, is all.” and you “get along”?

I don’t know about you, but I “get along” with pretty much everyone I work with.

That’s all it takes for you?

Yes, that’s it. You’ve both got me pegged. I’m a shallow little trog who’s only looking for his next lay. Oh, how can I repent? :rolleyes:

I also get along with most everyone I work with. I mean we get along as people who can talk. It’s diffirent.

Anyway, the point has been well hammered in: this would not be a good idea. Gotcha.

You’re asking for reasonable, intelligent opinions of what to do, yet the determining factor really is about the bulge in your pants.

You’re not worth her time.

Coworker is fine. Where else do you meet people where you have time to grade their demeanor in a lot of different circumstances.
Smoker is a death blow.

I’m struggling to become an ex-smoker. No one - no one I was related to, pledged my undying friendship to, admired, worked with, slept with, had a professional relationship with, treated me for illness or talked to me from the television - could make me quit smoking. Especially not some dude who I was casually fucking or even officially dating.

I never minded not smoking in a guy’s car or residence, but I would smoke all the way to his house in the car, outside his house, and all the way home. I highly doubt that kissing my stinky smoke mouth or smelling my stinky smoke hair was very pleasant for any dude who didn’t like the smell or taste of smoke.

Anyway…if she’s hot, she can find plenty of dudes to sleep with who will let her smoke in their car and their apartment. Don’t hold your breath (HA!).

Maybe the OP backed off on his “really like her” statements because of statements like “are you serious?” (about being serious about this girl) and now he’s taking heat for just thinking she’s really hot. I think that each of those should be addressed separately and not put into a big heap. Co-worker: depends on the job and depends on the potential for a real relationship (which depends on a lot of other things, 3 of which we know about). On the one hand, rejecting out of hand someone who could end up being very special to you just because she’s a co-worker seems too bad; on the other hand, jeopardizing a job that is very important to you for a person who may not end up to be very important to you is also too bad. So that one is one only you can answer, I think. I mean, we don’t have enough info, and hopefully you’ll be gathering some more.

Allegedly an ex-con: Find out more. What kind of ex-con? That is broad. It also might be gossip, it sounds like.

Kid: This really depends on you. Is not a deal-breaker for a lot of people, and is a deal-breaker for a lot of others. If you are going to pursue something with her, make sure that you give her room to put the kid first and recognize always that the kid comes first. He was there first.

Smoker: As others have said, instantly give up on the idea of changing her/this. Assess this one as, “Could I be with her if she always smokes as much as she smokes now?” (With reasonable limitations like not in your car/house…most smokers are pretty considerate of this concept and lots don’t even smoke in their own houses.)

Number 5, my addition: How old are you and how much relative choice do you have in the dating game? This is a practical matter that I think can be worthwhile to consider, within reason. (If she’s really a serious ex-con, for instance, of course you’re better off alone.) In different words, the concept is stated as: “Your mate’s flaws are the things that kept HER from finding a better mate.”