My two best friends are dating each other, behind my back

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

If it really hurts that much, then I’d let them know so you can all sit down and talk about this. Creeping around talking to people who are not directly involved is only making this worse. If you’re not sure then tell them what you heard (not necessarily from who) and make sure that they know that you want the honest truth from them. After that, just talk it out and try to understand where they’re coming from. She moved on, so it’s her life to live and with whomever she wants. All you can do as a good friend is bite your lip and support her.

And I think that if someone was really my friend and cared about my feelings, they’d let me know they were dating one of my other friends. Then again, all of my friends know that I’d rather have the brutal honest truth than a sugary lie. If my brother and a friend of mine told me they were together days before the wedding, I’d have it out with them. I think that a respectful family would want to tell you about something joyous in their lives and try to include you. Then again, I’m from a collectivist culture where your business is everyone’s business.

22

I am not fusoya but I would have reacted a lot better than having my best friend promise me that he wasn’t seeing her, go behind my back to see her and then stonewall me when I ask about it. I don’t consider fusoya to be totally in the right in this situation and I think that if asked he should have said it was alright with him. But thats not what happened so its meaningless to talk about it. What did happen is that his best friend promised something, broke that promise behind his back and won’t cop to it. Thats not how best friends act.

I guess I am missing what reaction you are talking about here. He said he felt betrayed about them doing something that they knew would hurt him. I don’t really see whats inappropiate about that reaction. What really seems to grate fusoya is that not only did they do this, they promised they wouldn’t and are lying to him about it. I think that in any friendship those are pretty piss poor actions.

23

Woah, Nellie! They’re your friends, not your belongings - it might hurt, but you have absolutely zero say in who they associate with and whether they date or not.

And feeling betrayed by a girl who you’ve stated has no romantic feelings for you is a dead-end street. Move on, for your own good.

24

Reading your OP this line sticks out to me:

Obviously she doesn’t think you are going to handle the news well. If they both want to keep you as a friend but think that you are going to take the news that they are dating badly, what then should they do exactly? The honest thing is obviously to tell you straight out. But, judging from the OP, that would not work out well. IF they had told you straight out that they were dating from the start would you still be friends? What would you have said to them? Do you think it would have been a nice discussion (I’m glad you to are together if that is what makes you happy even though it isn’t what I would want) or an angry discussion (How could you do this to me?!?) I’m betting it would have been the angry discussion and that is what they have been trying to avoid.

These are supposed to be your two best friends. You should want your best friends to be happy. If your two best friends dating each other makes them happy you should support that, even if it is causes some pain for you.

You stated that the girls feelings for you mellowed over time. Yours haven’t. It sounds to me that you are hoping that her feelings change to match yours. Don’t expect that to happen. Speaking from expereince it rarely does.

Also, when they promised not to date each other (which, btw, I think is just about the most unfair condition one can put on a relationship with a friend) how well did they know each other? It’s very possible that when the promise was made they did not know each other well and after some time together they realized that they really liked one another.

My advice. If you want to keep them as friends, talk to them and tell them that if they are dating it is okay with you though it may take time for you to get used to it. If you don’t think you can state this to them in person, send a letter or email.

If, on the other hand, you want to feel betrayed and angry expect to lose both friends.

Well, I think it is pretty piss poor to demand that two friends deny themselves happiness because one has (unrecipocated) feelings for one of the friends. It’s immature.

Slee

25

This is what I normally term a “lie”. You were not uncomfortable because parts of your life were colliding. You were uncomfortable because you have a crush on your lady friend. The idea that you have the right to do anything about people exchanging screen names is also ridiculous, they are their own people and can talk to anyone they want.

At least here you admit the real problem, the torch you’re carrying for this girl. As much as you think this didn’t ruin your friendship with her, it did. She is not allowed to pursue a friendship/relationship with someone because you do not approve, that is not a healthy friendship. They promised you what they did to get you off their back. You had already confronted them about this “betrayal” when they just mentioned hanging out, they were supposed to admit that they really liked each other and wanted to date? You forced their hand, it was either lie to you about it or hurt your feelings over a potentially short lived relationship. Honestly, they screwed up because they didn’t put you in your place when you first mentioned being “betrayed”.

You need to give up on wanting to date this girl. It’s not going to happen. You need to move on. Perhaps letting them know it’s OK for them to pursue happiness with each other would be a nice start. These are supposedly people you like and care about, you should be supportive of them. It may not be easy for you to pull off, but you should try.

26

He said he felt betrayed about those two hanging out together, even. He also said that he was uncomfortable that they, before that, exchanged screen names because that “felt like two different parts of my life were colliding together.” That’s kind of weird.

Now, fusoya - she’s not going to date you, if she hasn’t by now. I can nearly guarantee you this. Not wanting to date someone who’d leave a person for another is a noble intent and all of that, but if she really wanted to be with you, she’d have figured something out, I suspect. (I also suspect that if you were serious enough about wanting to be with her, you might have left that woman anyway insisting it wasn’t to get a shot at your crush, and waited for her to come around after an acceptable post-relationship time period for her.)

They’re not being very mature by not telling you, but you already told us that you didn’t like these “parts of your life” coming together even through just talking when you weren’t around, and that you felt betrayed when they were going to hang out together. I think all three of you guys contributed to this situation, and someone’s going to have to be mature first and talk about it as a reality. I suggest just treating it as real when talking to them, and if they put up a fuss, just say that two friends have already told you.

27

Fusoya, you’re letting your emotions block you from seeing the obvious.
You turned this girl down originally (for a perfectly good reason). She moved on - you didn’t.

Then she falls for a friend of yours. And you tell them they can’t go out together - because it would ‘upset you’. :confused: :rolleyes:

This is simply not fair on your part. No wonder they kept things secret - your obsessional jealousy would not let them discover if they could be happy together otherwise.

You need to take a careful look back over your friendship with these people. Either be happy that two of your friends are happy, or lose both and be grumpy forever. (She’s rightfully mine! I want her! He stole her from me! I hate them both!)

28

Fuyosa… you shouldn’t feel bad that they found each other and are dating. Good for them! If you like someone, don’t you want them to be happy? And your best friend, don’t you want him to be happy? Give them a blessing, and get over your feelings for her now that she’s taken.

Now, I do think it is right for you to feel betrayed by their lying about it. It hurts a lot, I know… something like that happened to me recently (even after I told them that I wouldn’t get mad, in fact I would feel relieved).

Dio, I think that if somebody is dating anybody, they should tell to any third party interested in them, especially if they ask. I don’t know about fuyosa, but I really don’t like hitting on people who are not single, and I do act differently towards guys that are taken versus those that are not. If they lie about it, that may lead to fuyosa saying/doing things he perhaps wouldn’t do if he knew better.

29

They’re doing something they have every right to do and not telling him because he can’t handle it like an adult. 'Parts of his life colliding," he says.Well, it’s not his life, it’s their lives and he has no right to try to control them.

None. Pining for a girl does not make her his property.

Sure there’s a limit. You don’t go after your frends’ girlfriends/wives, etc. That’s not the case here. The OP had no relationship with this chick. She was free game. It’s incredibly arrogant for him to think he has a right to tell her who to date. On what planet does getting rejected by a woman give a guy the right to tell her who else to date? His unrequited feelings for this girl are his own personal hang up and nobody else’s. Snooping around and trying to get information about them is really creepy and inappropriate.

30

Well, “creepy” might be a little strong – how 'bout “immature”?

31

Be big about it!

Take them both out to dinner, spring for the check, tell them you know, & “after the penny drops”, congradulate them both on dating such a great partner.

Show some class, dude! Especially towards your friends, who are the people you love.

32

I feel for ya, dude. The majority of these folks are calling you immature and silly, but honestly, these feelings are tough to deal with.

I went through a similar thing when I was around 20. My best friend from high school was seriously involved with a girl, and started hanging out with a good friend of mine from gradeschool. They lived in the same town, I lived about 200 miles away. They hit it off, and I was happy 2 of my friends found another friend.

I started getting the feeling they were dating and confronted them about it. They both denied it and told me I was silly for thinking that. I believed them. It all came to a head at a party when the girl was talking to a group of my friends and one of them said something about the two dating. I happened to walk by at that second, and they looked at me like I was death or something. She ran out. At that point, one of my acquaintances told me that they were dating, and it was well known, and everyone that knew of it was told to not tell me.

I was also friends with my buddy’s girlfriend, and he was cheating. He didn’t want her finding out, I’m guessing. I would have given him an earfull when I heard he was cheating on a friend of mine with another friend of mine, but I would have been an adult about it. I couldn’t handle the fact that I had hung out with these people, together and separately, for months and months while they kept this huge secret from me. A huge part of their lives… my buddy was dealing with being a cheater and my other good friend was dealing with being “the other woman”, and they couldn’t share these feelings with me? Betrayed is a perfectly acceptable word… I was one of their best friends. They owed it to me to not keep these secrets.

I didn’t blow a gasket or anything. I just stopped talking to both of them while I dealt with it. They kept trying to get me to talk about it, and I kept refusing. It was obvious to me by that point that I didn’t have to be open with them about my feelings when I couldn’t expect the same in return. A little over a year went by before I was okay with the situation.

And honestly, I was perfectly okay with it. Eventually. It took a while. But the great part is that now I can talk to both of them like it never happened.

It’s been 5 years since it all happened, and I never give it a second thought. We’re all still friends, and one could even say we’re stronger friends then we were before. My buddy married the girl he cheated on. And as a very strange ending, I’m now dating the girl who was “the other woman”. My buddy wasn’t pleased when I told him, but I was honest about it as soon as I could be.

Anyway, I know not everyone deals with things the way I do, but isolation from the issue is what helps me. It may be worth a shot for ya… just don’t talk to either of them for a couple months. Let them do their own thing away from you until you’re ready to handle it. And realize that things do work out the way they’re supposed to in the end. Good luck, man.

33

This is sad, and I feel for you. A very similar thing happened to my best friend and a couple of our other friends. He loved a chick who began secretly dating his best guy friend behind his back. He was pretty cool when he found out, although he was hurt about the lies, but they are no longer really friends, which is sad since they’d known each other for 10+ years. For the record, it was the couple that severed ties with him (and also, by proxy, me). I think they just felt too guilty to be around him anymore. Honestly, no matter what anyone on here says, it’s probably the end of your friendship with them though. Sorry. And it isn’t fair, and it hurts. Try and be the bigger person though; they probably didn’t mean to hurt you, even though that’s a small consolation. I’m sorry this has hapened to you, and you’re feelings are very normal. Just try to keep them in check, or you will look like a jerk.

34

Inexpert opinions follow.

1.) Clearly, you’ve got issues with the situation - issues you need to deal with.

2.) They’re not obligated to obey your wishes - they can date - nor are they obligated to tell you about the dating.

3.) IF, however, they’ve lied to you about it, drop them as friends. In my book, everything up to the lying is shady, but ultimately not “betrayal” - but when direct deception enters into it - g’bye. You don’t lie to friends.

35

Wow, such a clash of suggestions…I see this isn’t a clear answer.

I can admit, I handled most of this in an immature, jealous fashion. I know that neither of them are my property, and I have no right to say who they can and should date, but the reason I feel betrayed is not only because they’re both keeping this a secret from me, but because in the case of my male friend, he knows me better than anyone else does, and he knew everything I went through with her, and he should have had to sense to know better. He would have known how I would have reacted to all of this, and he should have fallen into the “bro before ho” philosophy. Goodness knows he would have freaked out just as badly if I ever went after one of his old crushes – the opportunity came up once, and I declined it out of respect for him. As for my “informant”, she came to me with this information. Up until I talked to her the other night, I trusted and believed everything they were telling me about not being more than friends, and this third friend didn’t think it was right for them to be doing this to me.

The only way that this is going not result in a couple of broken friendships is if I take a new attitude about this. I’m not going to try to stop them from doing anything, or even object anymore. However, I’m also not going to sit back and let them keep lying to me about it. I am going to talk to both of them this evening and tell them that I know that they haven’t been honest with me, and that I’m okay with them doing whatever they want to do, just as long as they stop going behind my back, since that’s making everything much worse. I have a feeling that this may take all of the fun out of it for them anyway, since I am nearly convinced that at least one of them is only doing this to spite me.

36

Does not compute. You described them as your ‘best friends’. Why would one of them do something just to spite you?

37

Dude, if my best girl friend and my best boy friend went out with each other just to make me mad (because I did have a crush on my best guy friend for a while, but not anymore), then they’re not really my friends, are they? As CG said, why would they do that? Perhaps you’re just saying that to disillusion yourself and convince yourself that it’s not a “real relationship” that they’re having with each other to make yourself feel better? All that aside, I hope everything works out for the best for you. Good luck.

38

Take em out to dinner, show some class.
Because–

[ol]
[li]They might actually care for each other, so this will make them feel better.[/li][li]If one of them is trying to mess with your head, your classy display will make him/her feel like a rat’s hemmaroids.[/li][li]If they are just foolin’ around with each other for lust’s sake, the door will be open for renewed relationships with them, 'cause being a friend usually means being forgiving.[/li][li]Therefore, being a class act always pays in the end.[/li][/ol]

39

Good - because you have no say in what they do anyway. Not accepting lying is also good. They need to own up to what they’re doing and accept any fallout.

By the way, how old are you? This all sounds very high school-ish, with whispering by the lockers. I hope you are all very young. I think most people outgrow this kind of shenanigans (basically, we just don’t have the energy for it. :smiley: )

40

I’m maybe the last person in the world to give relationship advice, but as difficult as it might be, I think the best thing that can happen is let them know you know, and act like it’s OK with you. I can see absolutely nothing to gain with any other path. At least in this case you might remain friends.

Doing what’s best, and doing what your emotions drive you to do are usually quite different things, at least in my world.