My two best friends are dating each other, behind my back

Two of my best friends are a guy I’ve known since I was 12, went through middle and high school with, and still keep in close touch with, and a girl who I met in college, immediately fell for…and the feeling was mutual, the only problem was I was already with somebody and she would not feel comfortable dating a person who’d be willing to break up with someone for her. We still stayed close, and as time went on, her romantic feelings died down, while mine increased. This has always created tension in our friendship, but never enough to ruin it. My other best friend of course always knew how I felt about everything, probably even better than she did.

They’ve met enough other a couple of times, at a couple of parties I’ve had, but since they live in different states (with me literally in the middle) they’d never run into each other without me inviting them both out. After my last birthday party, I found out that they exchanged screen names with each other. I felt uncomfortable with this, mainly because it felt like two different parts of my life were colliding together, but didn’t do anything. About two weeks later, I found out that they were planning to hang out with each other on their own. I told both of them about how this made me feel…betrayed, since they both know how I’ve felt about me getting together with her, and inferior, since he was attempting to go where I wasn’t able to, but they both insisted they were only hanging out as friends, the same way I hang out with either of them, and that I should just relax. They both promised me that this wasn’t going to lead to anything more.

Tonight, I found out through one of her fellow friends who told me with utmost secrecy that they have infact been seeing each other on a pretty regular basis, and she was telling all of her other friends that she and him were now dating, but to keep it a secret from me so that I don’t kill both of them. I did some asking around and verified this with another one of her friends. I tried to confront both of them about this, but since I was sworn to secrecy, I didn’t have any solid proof that I could use. He just kept saying that it was none of my business, and that I need to stop being so paranoid. She flat out denies it.

If what I heard is true, it means that my two best friends, two people who I’ve always trusted more than anybody, have both been going behind my back and lying to my face about something they promised me was not going to happen. I’d like to believe that what I heard isn’t true, but I’d be surprised to hear that both of these people would lie to me like that about this.

What course of action should I take? Should I just sit back and let them both keep lying to me…or wait until they get too guilty and tell the truth? Try to catch them in their own lies? Am I in the wrong to be outraged about this?

No matter what I do or don’t do, or what happens or doesn’t happen, I feel like I just lost my two best friends…to each OTHER! :frowning:

It’s none of your business.

Well, if she flat out denies it, you can either A. Believe her and go on as usual or B. Decide she’s lying and sever connections.

Dude, you need to quit being selfish and think about some one els’s happiness.

If you truely think of these people as friends, you should be happy at the fact that these two might find happiness together. These friends you speak of obviously care about you or they wouldn’t have been doing this behind your back. In other words, they DO care about your feelings.

I mean Jeez! Think about it. How hard is it to find some one these days? Do you really want to be the one to make it harder for such close friends?

I know it hurts on the inside; but really, it’s not their fault.

I don’t think its that fusoya is being selfish and caring only about himself. The issue doesn’t seem to be about the other two peoples happiness. To me, this seems like he is feeling betrayed due to his his friends lying to him and gouing behind is back instead of at least being up front about it regardless of the pain it would cause. Perhaps if he is being selfish, then the friends are being selfish also by putting their happiness above that of fusoya’s…? Just a thought.

I married a man who had been my brother’s best friend. We didn’t tell my brother that we were involved with each other until we had actually set a wedding date. Our reason for not mentioning it to my brother was simple: we both thought that he would pitch a fit. And sure enough, he did. He finally accepted our relationship, but for quite a while he was surly and resentful and childish about it. It is possible that your two friends are concerned that you won’t take the news in an adult, responsible way, so they’ve decided not to tell you.

I should also point out too that in the case of both of them, they are not people who have any difficulty finding anybody. It isn’t like they are so desparate for a relationship that they were the only ones they could find for each other.

I personally feel like if they were really still my friends, they wouldn’t have kept something this big a secret from me, lied to me about their whereabouts (even cancelling plans that we already made because one of them told me that one of his other friends was in a coma in the hospital after a car accident, the SAME weekend that my “informant” knew they were together). We could have worked through this like adults if they were at least up front about it. How is who they date not my business now when they’ve made it my business who they’ve dated ever since I’ve known them?

Dude, it’s none of your business. It really isn’t. I don’t blame them for not telling you. They probably knew you were going to be a baby about it.

The bottom line is that you do not own these people. You are not married to them and they are not your kids. They owe you nothing. She’s not into you. She’s into him. This is a free country. You need to grow up and be an adult about this. They have a right to like each other and they don’t have to justify it to you.

All this stuff about “informants” and “guilt” is really creepy. It makes you sound like a stalker.

I agree with Diogenes. It really isn’t any of your business. What you perceive as them including in you in their dating lives thus far does not mean that they’ve made their dating lives your business. Rather, they were just filling you in on the details of their lives, which friends do.

I think they likely thought that you would be jealous, especially considering your feelings towards your female friend… Now, you’re likely jealous and feeling excluded from their lives. You don’t have those details that friends usually share. But it really is their lives. You have no right to an explanation, though one certainly would have been nice.

Hope it all goes well. If I were you, I’d consider letting them know that you know so that you can bring it back to the adult level that you want to.

Two things.

  1. Your field of vision is narrow. You need to find a different girl to hook up with, and forget this one.

  2. I agree that they should have told you. Whether or not they would think you’d be salty about it. Now THAT is being an adult. Not the other way around. If I were the brother of pinkfreud, I would be salty too. I have a feeling he pitched a fit, not because of the dating, but because you withheld it until Marriage. Sorry, but that’s… awful. Running around and hiding relationships is deceitful.

Why does anyone have an obligation tell other people about their relationships? I’ll tell exactly who I feel like and nobody else. I’ve never thought it was any of my business who my friends or siblings were dating. If they want to tell me, they will, if they don’t, they won’t. I don’t see how the OP was injured or betrayed. He’s just jealous. That’s not an emotion which needs to be respected.

I understand that, but if my BEST friend was going around dating my sister (which I wouldn’t have a problem with if told up front) and hiding it from me until the wedding day… you know it would lead to a lot of lying over time to me, by my friend, at some point in the future. Plans would get canceled at the last second because of white lies, and I would be wondering why all the dodging. When in all actuallity, I really wouldn’t care. But be straight with me, and be an adult about it. I think it would be disrespectful.

But yes, I agree, he’s being jealous.

The fable of the dog in the manger comes to mind.

Dude, I feel for you. A very similar thing happened to me not that long ago, and I know that “it’s none of your business” doesn’t cut it. But, for your own mental health, let it go. They probably kept it from you to spare your feelings, not to hurt you. Be the bigger man. There’s nothing you can do now besides cutting these people out of your life. If that’s what you want to do, fine. But it’s been my experience that we all need as many friends as we can get, and if you can figure out a way to be happy for them, it will pay off for you in the long run.

You never thought to look?

Seriously, though - it sucks, but if anything you are probably just jealous right now. Since this is probably where 80% of your emotions are partying, I would say that betrayl is simply a fascade. Even if I am wrong, you will be fine in 2-27 months. Trust me.

Love, sex, and people are all silly things. No body here, including yourself, will ever be able to predict its course. It is better for all if you accept it, bear the pain, and move on.

I’d also like to add that if these two break up because of you fusoya, your NOT going to feel any better.

Trust me, you just won’t. As a matter of fact you may feel even worse if you have an ounce of humanity in you. (Which I’m sure you do.)

So please keep that in mind should you choose to vent your anger at them.

Wow I am suprised at this thread. I thought that “Don’t go after the girl your buddy has the hots for” is nearly a universal rule amongst friends especially best male friends. On top of that breach to flat out lie straight to fusoya’s face is beyond reproach. On my list of “shit you don’t do to your friends” this is near the top of the list.

Yes the rational and best thing for fusoya to do is to get over his feelings for the gal and give his blessing to his best friend to date her. However people are irrational and jealous at times. Fusoya’s reaction is not that unusual for a human to experience and his best friend of all people should be understanding. His best friend basically said screw fusoya I value my feelings above him and have no problem going behind his back and then lying straight to his face. That is not what best friends do. And for what? Some chick? No one else goes by the rule “bros before hoes”?

fusoya, how certain are you that they are together?

Thats a buncha bullshit, going behind someone’s back and then lying to their face about it is not trying to protect their feelings. That is doing something you know will piss someone off and trying not to get caught.

Its none of his business that his best friend is dating the girl he is pining for? Yesh do you have any concern for the feelings of your best friend or are those mere obstacles in getting what you want? Do you have any limits here? Is it all right to go after your best friends ex? How about his girlfriend?

I’d love to respond to such an um…" adroit"… response but seeing how this isn’t the pit…

So what were they supposed to do, sit him down and say, “Hi! We’re dating now”? Would he have reacted any better? Probably they thought he wouldn’t.

If I were you, fusoya, I’d take a step back and wonder why they thought they had to keep their relationship a secret from you. Perhaps they were anticipating just such a reaction, eh?